Nightmares

Lightening struck and the ground shook, I was pacing in my small camper waiting for the storm to end.

This nightmare night after night is haunting me, tonight during the storm it felt like my dreams are real. Every lightning shakes me to the core, the flash of lights flashback to the dream. I could feel my sweat clinging to my light pj’s, all I can see is the tiny ashes light at the end of my cigarette with every inhale. I can’t stop pacing.

I could feel the storm calming down so I decide to lay down, I feel the breeze on my face from my window slightly open, the curtains blowing up and down, the pitter patter from the rain hitting the puddles outside. I close my eyes and pray that I don’t dream tonight of the horrible nightmares.

I see the bottle sitting there staring at me, my baby is asleep, what’s one drink I say to myself. I pour a glass of vodka in one of my baby plastic cups. I look towards my baby’s room, I look around the small apartment and see a pizza box on the coffee table, dishes in the sink, an ash tray full of butts, a jacket on the couch, dirt on the floor, spaghetti stains in the high chair and shake my head. It’s raining outside, raining hard and the news is on talking about flooding. I look at the cup smell it, no smell and decide to take a little drink. I tell myself, only one. My shaking hands around the cup feel comfortable, I feel better. I light a cigarette, lean back on the chair close my eyes for a second. I can feel heat, I hear ringing-it’s so loud. I cover my ears and open my eyes. Fire!

Lightning struck outside and I jump up and start coughing. I yell “Oh my God, my baby where am I ?where is my baby?” I fall hard tripping over a cardboard box of second hand toys. I start crawling to my babies room, I can hear her crying, I cough again and cover my mouth with my hand. I try to stand but feel floppy from the bottle of vodka I just drank. I yell ”No” not my baby.”

I wake up in the hospital with bandages on my hands and my head is killing me. “What happened” I ask the nurse. She tells me exactly what I saw in my dream except the vodka in the baby cup. I start to cry, and tremble. I look at the nurse and said “my baby, were is my baby.” She looked at me with hatred in her eyes and said “your baby is on a ventilator trying to fight for her life.” “No”...I scream. I want to see her. The nurse pushes me back down into my bed and said “ your mother is with her and is sending you to rehab. You will NEVER see your baby again”, and walked out the door. I pushed my buzzer and know one came.

After several attempts to reach my mother from rehab I vowed that I will be better, do better, and get my daughter back one day. Rehab was very hard, I had to face many challenges before being released and one was to have a goal to find a job and stick to AA and be sober for 5 years. After 5 years I might be able to see my daughter again my mom said looking in my eyes with sadness in her eyes. She was shaking when she left one Sunday sunny day.

I felt like my old self and convinced myself that I could do it! I needed to see my daughter again. One day, I will prove to my mother and daughter that I will be the mother my daughter deserves. I wrote letters and resumes month after month even though my hands were so scarred from the burns. I had little money in my account from my divorce, enough to buy a little camper to live in for now. After I got my job, and bought the camper the Rehab released me.

I worked two jobs so I could save enough money to get a down payment on a house with a yard. I had visions of my daughter playing with a dog in the yard smiling at me. That is what motivated me going into work every morning and every night.

It was storming and I was pacing in my trailer, waiting for the lightning to stop, every time it storms it brings back the nightmares of my old self. I was better, I felt myself feel stronger, I had no more urges to drink. I needed to see my daughter. I could do this. I was pacing in the trailer on this stormy night enjoying the comfort of my cigarette and something caught my eye.

On the outside of the door there was a bag hanging in my trailers door handle. I opened the door and took the bag off and looked around. I couldn’t see anything in the dark. I sat on the bench and put the bag on the tiny table and looked inside. There was a black book. I was puzzled and stretched the elastic to the side so I could see inside. Nothing could ever prepare me for what I was looking at.

There was money that came out, more money that I have ever seen in my life. I searched for a note, something to make sense of what I was looking at! There it was, on the second page in the book was writing. I could barely see what it said through my Wattery eyes. It read: every day you walk by me on the street, you smile and put a dollar in my hat. I can tell you don’t have much money yourself, your hands are badly scarred, you wear the same clothes and you have wholes in your runners. I recently received some money from an old Aunt that passed away and wanted to bring you the smile you give me every day, and some money $20,000 to help you get the things you need. Thank you again young lady for that smile you gave me. I looked at the note and the money and sobbed. I could picture the rugged old man sitting on the sidewalk, in the same spot day after day for years. I smiled, and sobbed, finally my nightmares are over.