New Year, New Me
I am abandoning society
Ah, the year. The year itself is such an odd unit of measurement. A year itself lacks no significance, and yet at the end of one we all feel the need to shed our former selves and morph into something new, preferable, less loathsome than we were in the past. I do not care for that. I no longer wish to earn the envy of my peers or climb the ranks of my society.
No. My only new year’s resolution is to retrace the path of my ancestors and return to the caves.
You heard me, swine. I am leaving you all behind for the serenity of the caves. What caves you may ask? Ha. Wouldn’t you love to know. I will not tell you. I do not want to see any of you ever again once I retreat to the cave, I do not wish to be followed.
The caves! Oh how my bones ache for the caves. While you all run your little rat race I will be the king of caves. I will fashion myself a little crown of fish bones. Oh the caves, the sweet sweet ecstasy of the caves.
I will burn all of my belongings. You shall not touch them, you the greedy horde. My mortal possessions will turn to ash and you will weep. I shall not hear your cries from my beloved caves. I shall bring nothing with me, not even my clothes. I will wear a tunic of twigs and grass. The robes of a king. The king of caves.
And what if I encounter a bear, you ask? Or another beast of the forest? I will not. These caves are my birthright. I was born to live in this system of caves. What caves? Ha! I still shall not tell you. You will go to your grave wondering the location of my caves.
The caves! Your cities look pale and sickly compared to my caves. You all have grown soft from the comforts of civilization, but I always remembered the true nature of myself, which is etched in my blood. The first time I saw a Forever 21 I vomited uncontrollably. It is the very antithesis of the caves.
Oh boy those caves. Bet you wish you knew where the caves were. God I’m getting so excited thinking about those caves. They are damp and cold, the exact perfect climate. This is all the information I will give you about the caves as I do not want you to be able to work out which caves I am referring to. Just know, those caves absolutely rule.
The caves are my wife. Our union is not recognized by YOUR law, but it is certainly recognized by the only law that matters. Cave law. Compared to my wife, the caves, I guarantee your wife is as ugly as the most hideous biblical beast. The caves are hot. Only metaphorically, the actual temperature of the caves is cold and damp.
The square footage of my caves? Ample. It’s proximity to nutrient dense food sources? Acceptable. The stalactites? Oh, I’m sure you’d love to know. But I won’t tell you of the stalactites, if I did you would have a fit of jealousy that would stop your heart instantly. Idiot.
And what of my family you may ask? I do not have one. My parents and I don’t speak anymore for reasons I will not go into here (it isn’t related to the caves) and I do not have a wife or children because I have been saving myself for the caves.
What of my job at Home Depot? True, I am throwing away years of work that I put in to become the assistant manager of my kingdom of Home Depot, time spent plotting my rise to power and poisoning the minds of my enemies (Darlene and Frank S.), but the glory I experienced during my career is nothing compared to the glory of the caves.
Goodbye, you fools. The caves are calling.
About the Creator
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