Narcissistic Love

Have you ever been so angry, you scared yourself? That the anger that filled you felt so inhuman, even you didn't know what would happen next? I pray you never meet the person who can bring you to that level. A level so deep, you can haunt your own dreams with it. It's like an evil awakening of a superpower you didn't know you had; a capability that only the very deepest, seemingly inaccessible part of you, even knew existed.

It's absolutely fucking terrifying.

I've always prided myself on my ability to remain calm in stressful and tense situations. Sure, I get annoyed, frustrated, irritated, agitated, put on edge, whatever - but angry? No, not me. Up until I was 25, I had never experienced true anger. I had an idea of what sensitive topics could make me angry, like talking bad about my family, but no one ever really pushed that button. And then I met Lauritz.

Lauritz and I met at a popular student hangout in Aalborg, around two and half years after I moved to Denmark. He was a volunteer there, I was getting coffee with a friend. Said friend decided to introduce us and soon after, he and I were Facebook official. Like all new relationships, the beginning was fun, adventurous, informative. But even then, there was the smallest of red flags waving about in the back of my head. I didn't want to ignore it, since we all know what ignoring a red flag leads to, so I tried to just be observant. I tried to figure out objectively what my brain was flagging and not let the feeling make me paranoid and sabotage the relationship. Months went by and I just couldn't see it. He was very sweet and attentive. He listened well, kept clean, had a good relationship with his family and a great group of friends. He was financially stable and good with his money, smart, intellectual - he checked all my boxes. So what is this red flag and why can't I see what it's flagging?

On our eighth "monthiversary" we called it, Lauritz had to meet his study group at the university. I thought, "perfect, I'm meeting a friend in the city", but what I said was, "cool, I'm gonna go downtown and shop".

This, dear readers, was our undoing. I like to think I make wise choices and handle things well, but my God, this seemingly small, protective choice cost me dearly in the end. So why did I say that? I said that because the friend I was meeting was an ex. Albeit, we hadn't talked for two years and it was a short relationship to begin with, an ex is an ex and I didn't want Lauritz to feel insecure or get upset if I said I was meeting a friend. He would have asked, "oh, who?" and I would've said, "my ex" because that's the kind of person I am. Since I did have plans to shop for something for our eight months, I decided this was the best choice. Not a lie, just an omission.

Funny thing is, I was supposed to meet this friend at that popular spot I told you about, where I met Lauritz, but it was Saturday and not open yet. So we met at a nearby cafe and went to the planned spot once it opened. Point of failure: if we had just stayed at the cafe and not gone to that spot, honestly, Lauritz and I might've just celebrated seven years together. Everything began to unravel once we went to that spot. Because Lauritz had been a volunteer there for some years, everyone knew him and because of his personality, everyone was loyal to him...

Someone, I'm still not 100% who, saw me there with a man who was not Lauritz and took the liberty of letting him know. On my way home, I got a text saying, "having fun at the [popular hangout spot]?" Well I'm shitting my pants now, but try to stay calm and reply, "I'm not there, I'm on the bus home." "Is your friend with you?" Curtains close, show's over. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck what the fuck is happening?!

I get home to Lauritz in the kitchen.

"Where were you?"

"You seem to know already."

"I want you to tell me where you were."

"Well I went shopping-"

"Bullshit, I opened your laptop and read your Facebook messages."

"You spied on me?"

"We can talk about what I did after we talk about what you did."

"What did I do?"

"You lied to me." And that's when I knew I should have just told him. That's when my heart sank and I realized I'd made the wrong choice. I shouldn't have thought I was protecting him, I should have just told him straight and handled whatever came then and there.

"I'm sorry, I didn't tell you."

"Tell me what? Who did you meet?"

"I met up with my ex. He's writing a book and it's set in an American high school. He wanted details from a native."

"Uh huh, I read that in your messages."

"Okay."

"You talk to him often? When's the last time you saw him?"

"I haven't seen or talked to him for two years."

"So you go meet your ex on our eight month anniversary to talk about a book he's never going to actually write?"

"Well don't you know everything."

"I do! How am I supposed to trust you now? Do you know how much this hurts me?" Honestly, I didn't grasp the depth of his pain at first. I was too busy with my own. But then he said, "I don't know if you can ever earn my trust back, you lying cunt of a whore."

At that point, I shut down. Totally lost my ability to speak. I just stood there, becoming numb, dumb, and damaged, listening to him berate me and tell me how much pain I've caused him. And that damned red flag grew so bright and so large I thought it might actually be visible. Though I didn't know it in that exact moment, what that red flag was telling me, was that I had fallen for a narcissist.

Believe it or not, Lauritz and I stayed together for almost four years. And over those years, I became bitter, scared, and constantly agitated. I was racking up more damage than an OP champion's kill streak in LoL. This relationship was a true test of my capacities - mental, emotional, spiritual even. Somehow, everything I said was turned negative, everything I did was apparently aimed at pissing him off. And "cunt of a whore" became his favorite name for me.

This is the only person to enter my life who has made me feel such rage. He pressed buttons I didn't even know I had. We fought about the stupidest shit, but it was enraging because it confused the hell out of me! I was always trying to find the right words and do the right actions to de-escalate the situation and I somehow always made it worse. My brain was on fire searching for a solution and he was just relentless. It went from zero to kill in one second. There was never a middle ground, no "let the punishment fit the crime" type of attitude. If he got mad, I was a cunt of a whore. End of story. Even if it was just because I left a dish in the sink, or I ate a piece of bread with butter on it when he told the "fat American pig" not to. We avoided any type of physical violence, he knowing full well that if he hit me, he was done for. "I'd like to smash your brains in, but I'm not that stupid." But one day, I'd simply had enough. My brain could not burden any more of the confusion. It accepted that there may not be a solution and it resorted to primal behavior. Push came to literal shove. Empty beer bottles became weapons. There were guttural screams, desperate cries. There was blood. I remember when I'd reached my boiling point. It really is like a switch. You are one thing, and then you are something else. I was suddenly two people in one body - the one I knew and then one I'd never seen before. I was raging and it was scaring the shit out of me. I was punching tile floors, almost knocking doors off their hinges, screaming so loud I thought my ears would burst. It was awful and terrifying. And incredibly relieving.

In 2016, while on my internship in the States, Lauritz called me and asked me, "why can't you be a person worth loving?" fully expecting me to give him an answer. I said, "I am a person worth loving." "Well I fucking hate you. I really do, I just fucking hate you." I was sorry to hear that, but I also didn't care anymore. This was not about me. He had some serious issues that I was not equipped to solve and he was not mature enough to acknowledge. It had been like this for basically our entire relationship and now I was done fighting. I physically, mentally, and emotionally could not fight him any longer.

Two weeks after a two hour hell storm, he called me and asked, "Do you still want to be with me?" And after my mind flashed through all of our memories, both good and bad, I finally said, "no. I don't want to do this anymore." To which he said, "okay that's fine." Lolwut. Is it fine? Hah, alright well that was easy. In two minutes, we ended three and half years of our lives together, agreed on how to move forward (delete each others' friends and family, only email communication; all per his request of course) and then we hung up and I went upstairs to head to work. When my mom saw me she said, "hey honey, you look happy. Something happen?" I said, "yeah, Lauritz and I broke up." She just laughed and said, "congratulations, want some pancakes?" I laughed as well and said, "yeah, sure. Will you drive me to work today?" "Certainly!"

Daniel Sloss - a dark humored, Scottish stand up comic - says in the Jigsaw episode of his Netflix show that initially, breaking up with someone who is toxic is a huge relief, but after five minutes, it's a nightmare because all of these things come crashing down on you and you suddenly realize you have so much shit you're going to have to deal with and sort out and even though "it's" over, it's not over at all. This is 100 percent true. What he doesn't say is that once you are over that hill, you feel truly free and can begin to heal yourself back to who you want to be. Keep the positive, rebuild the broken. Leave the painful behind.

It's easy to fall for a narcissist; they're everywhere. But if you educate yourself, you can learn to spot them and avoid getting in bed with them. However, don't start to label every person who exhibits traits, as a narcissist. It's a heavy word, not meant to be thrown around loosely. Be observant. A true narcissist has many traits, several types of behavior, is manipulative, and overall, very charming. Stay aware, use your knowledge to keep the ball in your court.

And remember to love. Always love.

- Alisa