#MyWorstDate Ever

I’m going to tell you about #myworstdate ever. The story begins after I had just played a show in downtown Las Vegas. As I had just finished helping the other bandmates pack up their equipment — I know, I was the best lead singer to ever have lived, because most lead singers do not help anybody do anything, but I digress — I ran into two boys (let’s call them boys, because they clearly were not men) and one of them was hitting on our bassist’s mom, who is super hot by the way, so I wouldn’t blame them for doing that.

The shorter one staggers as he turned around to see me, surprised, and says, “Wow! You are so beautiful! I wonder if it’s just your boobs or if it’s your face, because wow!” I would just like to note that I had incredibly low self-esteem at the time and hadn’t had sex (with anything over than my vibrator) in like over a year, so I was pretty desperate. So despite the underhanded compliment, I gave that guy my number.

I hadn’t noticed but he began to call me immediately to make sure I didn’t give him a fake number, and then walks away after he saw my phone light up. Didn’t even say goodbye! Fucking rude.

Fast forward and he adds me on every social media and starts sending me the the douchey-est Snapchat stories and I’m totally turned off... I go on a date with him anyway.

We went to a choir concert at the community college. When I met him, he seemed a bit off at first and then he told me that he was on acid. So I thought to myself, “Oh, okay, he’s just on drugs.” Skip a few hours and we end up going back to his place that he shared with a few other roommates. We sit down on the couch in the living-room and we actually have a nice conversation. I feel like I’ve known this guy for years and we just hit it off. By the way, before we got to his house we stopped at a taco place where he told me that he’d been to prison before. I was really trying not to judge this guy so I still gave him a chance, but that was another red flag.

I ask him what his intentions are and he immediately says that he wants me to be his girlfriend, and I should have ran away there, because that was one of many signs of crazy. We make out for a bit in his room and I go home before sex, because I was on this new kick where I wouldn’t fuck on the first date.

The next date comes along, and I notice him out to a bar downtown for a friend’s birthday party. He ends up running late because he got pulled over for already being drunk and somehow gets off and ends up coming. We dance, drink, and OH MY GOODNESS he’s the worst dancer ever. I was so embarrassed for this guy, but mostly myself. An overwhelming feeling of cringe hit me each time he tries to bust a move. So sad.

Just before we end up leaving a few hours later, he tells me that he has a small penis. I’m thinking it’s probably average, about 5 inches and he just thinks it’s small.

We get to his place and stagger to his bedroom. As we’re kissing, he pulls away and says, “Do you want to see my penis?”

I reply, “Yeah, that’s kind of what we’re here for?”

OH. MY. GAAWDD. He pulls down his pants and undies and asks me, “What do you think?”

Why the fuck did this man ask me that? I’m not one for lying and I take pride in always telling the truth. I told this man that it was the smallest penis I had ever seen in my whole life. All I could think of was that Salt 'n' Peppa song and the lyric about having a dick so small you needed tweezers to hold it!

I mean, at this point he’s already naked and I don’t really know how to leave the situation without making it awkward or hurting his feelings, so we commence the intercourse. He was not doing a good job, it was terrible. HOWEVER, I do want to say that it’s not about size because I have slept with other men with small penises, and it was pretty good. It’s the motion of the ocean and a lot of extra work, but I digress.

I lie, I say it’s great and that I already came and that he can finish. WHY! does this man come ALL over his room? He aims his dick like a fucking machine gun being held by a 50 person. It went everywhere and I watched it as it fell onto everything: his clothes (the dirty socks he wore that night in particular), the floor, the closet door, the walls, EVERYWHERE!

But then he did the unthinkable. He picked up his freshly worn, jizzed up sock, brought it up to his face and BLEW HIS FUCKING NOSE in it!! I was mortified. I gathered my things, got in my car, deleted his number, and drove off into the distance, never to be heard from again.

My advice: never ignore the warning signs and almost never date anyone when you don’t love yourself first, because you will date a guy that blows his nose on dirty jizz socks.

#worstdateever