These days I'm not too positive what constitutes a date exactly. But I am gonna go ahead and count this. First a little background; at the time of this story, I was 20 years old, going through a breakup with a slightly abusive man who I'd moved back to Arizona for and just generally unhappy in my life and relationships especially. I was working at the Olive Garden in Scottsdale, Arizona as a waitress (and doing very poorly I might add).
I'm going to add a little disclaimer in here for anyone that might find it necessary. There are some *triggering* experiences that I myself have made peace with but could definitely fall under the rape label, there's alcohol involved, sex, and general assholeness. While I personally try to take responsibility for my part in the situation it could definitely be argued that I was taken advantage of, or even that I caused it because he was inebriated himself while I was sober.I won't be using any real names so I'll be calling this man Mr. Bean, or Bean (because he supposedly looked like him).
Mr. Bean and I met through work. He'd been there for awhile before me and was definitely a flirtatious guy that my mother (who also worked with us) told me she knew I'd be into but I should stay away from. He was tall with dark hair, a larger than average nose and olive complexion. Bean definitely had more confidence than most guys my age I knew, which I tend to think is attractive and overlook a lot of red flags because of.
Outside of work we would Snapchat and had a few makeout sessions. The majority of our Snapchats consisted of him telling me to "suck his dick" or "come over right now" whenever he would get drunk. For some convoluted reason, I assumed these were meant to be taken ironically or to be some form of "joke." I suppose I was justifying this type of behavior to make it seem right for me to crave his attention like I was.
One night he asked me to come pick him and his roommate up from a house party, his roommate also worked with us and I was pretty comfortable with them and jumped at the chance to get out of my own place. Picking him up was a nightmare and he was not shy about making a jerk of himself the drive back to his place. Having me stop at Jack In the Box, throwing glass bottles out the window and under my tires, groping me in front of the employees. It was all a bit much, and definitely one large red flag that I ignored hard.
Getting back to his apartment I played nurse a little after he got a little sick, he cleaned up and we got into the bed and started to cuddle. It wasn't long before he was taking it to a more sexual level and honestly, that's what I wanted. I have always used sex to connect with people when I clearly shouldn't and this night was no different. Soon we were having sex, and I was trying to relax and enjoy it.
Bean told me he liked to do anal and asked me if we could. I told him no and that it wasn't my cup of tea. While continuing what we were already doing he goes on trying to convince me that it would be good and it's what he wants. I tried to offer up other positions in place and we move to a more, back based position. Bad move on my part because now he had a front-row view of what he wanted and he took it. I immediately slapped his hand behind me and told him it wasn't okay, after which he tried to continue and I finally pulled away. After that I was pretty over it, he finished and we smoked some weed.
We both went to sleep after that, looking back I wish I'd left immediately because I made it all seem okay and didn't truly make it apparent that what he did was in no way okay with me. I left in the morning, I think I had to work but I'm not too sure. He texted me and told me he wanted to get me a day after pill, which I personally was really interested in. Later in the day, he told me to meet him at his apartment so I did. At this point, I was ready to take this pill and pretend it had never happened. I could have never spoken to him again and been incredibly happy.
After about thirty to forty-five minutes of waiting outside his apartment, he finally showed up, with an entourage. I was shocked, I'm not a particularly private person but I definitely didn't feel this night had anything good to share. Especially since one of them was a girl from work, we didn't have a problem with each other but it felt like a real slap in the face and a bad rumor waiting to happen. But I was there to take that pill and get the heck out of there. His demeanor was very nonchalant, which was what I expected. He hardly acknowledged me though and I felt sick to my stomach the whole time.
Once we were all inside and settled I asked for the package so I could take the pill, and told him I wanted to read the directions. Instead of giving it to me he handed it to the female coworker. I'm not sure if she saw my face or if maybe she just realized how shitty this situation was but she handed it to me and I took it. Immediately, Mr. Bean asked me to see my mouth... and make sure I had actually taken the pill, that I just took in a room full of people. It was MORTIFYING.
Up until this point, I'd just felt gross. But I think I truly realized how bad it was when one of the guys who had been in the room that I'd never met before found me on Facebook and messaged me to make sure I knew just how wrong he thought it was that he treated me and talked about me like that, and how he would NEVER do that *eyeroll*. But this acknowledgment was what I needed to know I wasn't being just a ball of anxiety and that he really had been cruel to me.
The thing about this story though that most important to me is to acknowledge how much it STILL affects me, and all my relationships. Even with my father. At one point I was trying to explain how a man after this had slut-shamed me for this night on the basis of "you will let the Olive Garden guy who treated you like shit fuck you in the ass but not me." Seeing the look on my father's face while I explained how this guy absolutely violated me and I basically just froze and let it happen. Something we both thought I would never be a victim to because I am so darn outspoken and have always been taught not to be scared of a man is something I will never forget.
I even still have dreams about him sometimes. It's a truly strange phenomenon. He always pops into my head when my life feels like it's spinning out of control. Almost like an omen for being taken advantage of by a man in my life. For the most part I've come to terms with this night. I'm still not comfortable with things like this in bed, but I have found my voice about it.