My World Was Shattered

I could say I hate you or that I loathe your existence, but then I'd be lying to myself, to you and well everyone I cross paths with in the future.

I have a kind heart, that beats in a broken pattern because my soul is overtly trusting of everyone I cross paths with, despite all the warnings my brain will spew at me. You were a one of a kind person for sure and from the very start I knew that I was going to end up hurting, but I never expected my entire world to be shattered, to have so many options swept off the table in your exit out of my life.

We had a crazy ride in the time we were together and I'm still trying to recover from the whiplash of it all, though I think all along I knew when the next curve in the road was coming and eventually I took the blows with ease, I became numb and I lost touch with myself in an attempt to keep dodging bullets and jumping through hoops to appease you and your selfish tendencies.

I defended you for months, when someone would beg me to open the locked door and tell them why I spent so many days in tears or staring blankly into space, when every time my phone buzzed I'd lose another spark of light from my eyes when I realized it wasn't you, when it had been almost a week since I'd last heard anything from you and it took all my energy to get out of bed just to take a shower. I made up excuses when I would disappear for days into your apartment, laughing it off when someone would stop by and comment on the state of the place, forcing smiles when people questioned if I was happy.

I was breaking the entire time, but I had to be brave and strong because if I even faltered slightly you were on me like a hawk and I would retreat back into myself again.

I loved you in a really big way, but to you I was just a game of cat and mouse, something to keep you entertained in your lonely and to try and mold into something horrid with your sticky sweet words and once in a while actions. I believed it when you told me you loved me, but slowly over time I believed it less and less.

You disappeared for months and when you came back, I was whole again, I had fixed my heart and you were beyond pissed to see that you had left no lasting mark. The things you called me when you learned how I'd chosen to heal what you broke, but you better know that I will never make an apology for the way I chose to repair what you shattered. I may look fragile and I may wear my heart on my sleeve, but I know when I've had enough and I refuse to let myself become a victim again which means I know when the claws have to come out.

You may have shattered my world once upon a time, but not today and not tomorrow. I thought I loved you, I thought that I could spend the rest of my life with you until you admitted that for us to work I was the one who had to change and that was the moment I knew what kind of person you truly are.

I pray that the next girl you try to lure in with your pretty words, I pray she sees the fangs before she falls in love with your lies because you have to learn how to be happy with yourself and understand that relationships require both partners to grow together and they both have to change for it to work equally.

You may have left a lasting mark once upon a time, but now I laugh at how long I let you feed off my positivity and turn into bitterness because you couldn't stand the way I loved myself despite my flaws.

I pray one day you love the reflection in the mirror instead of just smashing it, though I'm not sure if that could ever because you seethe self-hatred with every move you make.

Once upon a time, I would've kept up the self-destructive behaviour of trying to save you from yourself, but not anymore. I said goodbye to that girl a while ago and I won't reverse my life to save someone who doesn't want to be, so to you I say farewell and have a nice life because forever will my heart be on my sleeve and forever will I love myself flaws and all.

Once upon a time, I would've have spent months crying myself to sleep and wondering where I went wrong, but that girl is long gone because although I made a few mistakes I owned up to them and you still chose to put all your wrongdoings off on me as well.

Today, I say no more.

No more apologizing for things out of my control.

No more letting a boy, parading as a man, rule what I believe about myself.

No more letting a toxic relationship define what love is supposed to be.

No more letting a lonely person shatter my world.

No more becoming a victim.

Today, I stand tall and beautiful.

Today and every day after I will wear my heart on my sleeve with pride.

Today, I will stay optimistic even in the face of bitterness.

I am more than my past, but that doesn't mean I won't talk about it because without my past I wouldn't be where I am today.

I am more than the boys who want to play games with my heart.

I am more than pretty lies I've been told in an attempt to shatter my world.

I am resilient and I will stand by that forever.

You are nothing to me, you won't leave a lasting mark in my life because while maybe for a while my world was shattered; it isn't anymore and I'm grateful that you helped me see my worth because that's how I healed myself.

Once upon a time, you shattered my world but as far as I'm concerned that was a lifetime ago and those wounds have healed. Maybe we'll meet again in another lifetime and maybe you'll have learned how to love yourself by then, but as of right now this is the last goodbye.

I may have loved you, but not anymore.