My Story with L

I met 🐧 my sophomore(?) year of high school. We quickly became friends. We connected, or so I thought, and she was an amazing friend. A little bit after that, started dating...

At first, it was almost amazing and nothing but bliss... Or so I thought.

Fast forward a bit (because I don't remember fragments of the relationship), she didn't take too much interest in my interests (such as anime, yaoi), regardless of what she told me, her attitude proved otherwise. Which wasn't too big an issue, I know nobody likes all the things I do. But she didn't even pretend. I guess, that made me sad.

Anyway, throughout the relationship, I noticed more and more about her. She was manipulative and abusive. Whenever I expressed an emotion or thought that disagreed/went against her, she would make me feel small, or ashamed of what I said and how I felt. She was also very controlling and very against me hanging out with my friends. Whenever I wanted to/attempted to she would guilt me into canceling my plans.

I remember one time, I was struggling with my depression before I knew that I had it, I told her that I felt like nobody cared about me (because I thought I could confide in her) and she started crying and got pissed off at me. Giving me the silent treatment for a few days. And when I finally got a hold of her, she kept telling me how much I hurt her because I "clearly didn't care enough to notice" how much she cared.

Our fights were always like that. Or she would manipulate and turn the entire conversation/fight about them and basically force me to surrender and comfort her in fear of losing her.

Every so often, we would have random conversations. This and that, like a regular conversation but she would call herself a whore... And I thought it was some sort of self hatred and tried to make her feel better. She would say that every so often. A few times throughout our relationship, this guy messaged me. He said hello which was normal but also weird because I had no idea who he was... Until he asked about her. Later, I asked her about him (asking if she knew a guy by his name) and the just of it was that they were sort of evolved at one point and that they "sort of had sex." Later that week/month, he messaged me again, saying that he missed her and wanted her back. He asked that I have her contact him... Which lead me to believe that she cheated on me...

Fast forward that for a few months... Before I came out as trans. We went on this date(?) down at the pier of our main streets. I can't exactly remember the events that led up to it but I remember us going into this bathroom. In the bathroom, she pulled me into a stall. I remember having this very uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. She shut the door and got really close to me. She then proceeded to slip her hand down my pants and touch me. I can't remember if I said "no" out loud or if it was just in my head but she told me to relax and that it was okay. My body was frozen and I felt myself cower/submit. I don't know how long we were in there but it only seemed to stop because someone else came into the bathroom.

I don't remember too much of what happened after but I remember feeling this lump in my throat and the intense feeling of wanting to cry... and having to swallow those feelings. Then having to comfort her and tell her everything was fine and having to pretend that what had happened didn't affect me...

She broke up with me one month before our anniversary. She then handed me a letter and the ring I had given her. To summarize the letter, she said that I was too serious (which goes back to me telling her that I wanted something intimate but not necessarily sexual). And that wasn't something she was ready for.