My Only Friend

The case, from the start, sent me into a spiral of anxiety and depression and it led me to have online relationships. It was a safe haven from reality. No one knew who I was and a plethora of people were going through issues just as I was. Our issues weren't always the same, but we shared the feeling of being alone. The friendships never lasted long though. Some lasted days, others months, and one particular one, two years and a half. The particular one is definitely the hardest to speak of because it was one of the most important relationships I had.

While I was staying with my dad during winter vacation, as my mom was off in Las Vegas, I was on a website called Omegle. I was looking for online people to chat with. It was hard to find anyone who wasn't trying to get nudes or sexts. After some time online, I met Thomas. We had two common bands as our interests and soon hit it off really well. I felt like I was blessed to have found someone so fun that I had a lot in common with, after I got to know him. I developed a crush on him some time soon and we were flirting every so often.

He was a very private person and would rarely say much of his personal life. I, on the other hand, shared most of my life experiences with him, excluding the case I was going through at the time. He was caring and understanding about the situations I'd tell him. I felt extremely close to him because of how good we connected but then red flags started showing.

We constantly role played, pretending as though we were physically with each other. It was comforting. Then one day he got sexual during it and I went with it. I was more than happy that he found an interest in me. Weeks later he told me that he had a girlfriend. My heart was shattered. I knew our relationship was too good to be true; nonetheless, I was happy for him. He was still a dear friend to me and I wanted to keep it that way. However, every month he would try to sext with me. I asked him about his girlfriend and he would ignore me and tell me he had feelings for me, leading us to sext. I made myself believe that they had broken up since he said he had feelings for me, though it wasn't confirmed. I'd try to get her out of my head and focus on him and the moment so I could appreciate the attention I desired from him. There would be times where he would say that she was out of the picture. Other times he would tell me to not ask questions and to simply enjoy the moment. Every time, I fell for him. However, with each time, the very next day he would tell me he wasn't serious about what he had told me the previous night and that it was just a joke. This went on for a year and with each month it got worse.

The first year was a bunch of up's and down's with him. There would be times where he would tell me he had feelings for me without the intention of sexting and it would throw me off. We both loved the show How I Met Your Mother and would quote lines from the series to each other. Our love for Disney was mutual just as much as our weird sense of humor. He was like my other half. It was a unique friendship that we had and, although it wasn't always the best, it felt nice to be so close to someone.

There was one special moment in which I can never forget. We had an 'on and off' again relationship because we were confused of how we felt towards each other though we always came back to one another in time. This particular time we hadn't been talking for about a week and I had been having a bad day because of a situation with a friend. My friend had started having feelings for an online guy friend of mine that I was crushing on and she knew of my crush on him. The guy friend then started having a crush on her and I was hurt and wanted to cry. I turned to Thomas and messaged him at 12 AM and luckily he was still up since he spent most of his nights playing on his Xbox due to his insomnia. He asked me what was wrong and I asked if we could face chat, he quickly agreed and we started face chatting. He again asked me what was wrong and I told him the situation I was in. He told me he was sorry and that I could stay on the call until I wanted to fall asleep. He was still on his Xbox so he placed his phone onto it and would continually look at the screen to make sure I was still on the call with him. He'd make a funny face every time to make me laugh. Later told the friends he was playing with that he had to go because he needed to talk to a friend.

He then started talking to me about my issue and asked how I was doing. He didn't like the fact I was hurt and much more crying over someone he didn't think deserved it. We stayed up for a couple hours until my mom came home from work at 2 AM I fell asleep a little while after and apologized profusely for not calling him back. He said that it was fine and not to worry about it then followed up with asking me how I was feeling and if I had gotten any messages from my friends. His main focus was to see how I was doing and made sure that I put the heartache to the side so I could focus on the good parts of the day. I've treasured that memory since.

The downside part of our relationship was his lack of communication and stubbornness. He always wanted it his way. When I didn't want to sext, or I'd make up an excuse as to why I couldn't, he'd get upset and proceed with a short conversation or not talk to me for hours. It felt awful to keep being on hook when deep inside I knew he was only using me and that what he said he felt for me wasn't genuine.

He would get jealous with any guy I mentioned and either show it without even trying to hide it or be insanely passive aggressive. I had trouble understanding his game because it was so complex. One day he'd cheer me on to talk to a guy and the next he'd groan and ask why I was talking about the guy with him. At one point I had a crush on a guy from my school and I was texting Thomas about it and he got very annoyed. He said that he didn't see what I saw in him and that if I liked him so much to talk to him. With another guy that was a close friend, I had put his name on my Kik profile and when Thomas saw it he went berserk. He asked who that was and wouldn't change the subject until I answered him. When I told him he was a best friend of mine he immediately took offense and said, "I thought I was your best friend." Although he was right, he made it clear to me on multiple occasions that I didn't truly know who he was because we didn't know each other in person. He didn't care if he hurt my feelings because in his mind he was right and that was all that mattered. His happiness mattered more than mine and it was unfair.