Days before Thanksgiving my husband came to me and asked for a divorce. I was in shock, I cried, I begged, I cried some more and I begged some more for him to stay. For us to go to counseling, for us to work it out. I had no idea anything was that wrong in our marriage. We knew things needed to change, we had even talked about learning to be a couple again because we had forgotten how to communicate. We had spent so many years just focusing on being good parents we neglected one another. I knew that much, I knew that we didn't handle our conflicts well and I thought we were working that out. But, he was done. There was nothing I could do. This 10-year relationship I had with the father of my beautiful children was over.
In all honesty, I felt as if I was over. Something in me died, it's still in there, somewhere near my heart, dead and rotting. I laid on a hotel room floor alone feeling the lowest I've ever felt in my life. I cried, I ugly cried, and then my body took it up a notch and I sobbed. Deep body shaking sobs, where guttural noises escaped out of my mouth. I didn't sleep for 5 days and I couldn't eat. How was I suppose to go on, I felt like someone had died.
Someone did die over Thanksgiving weekend: me. The me that was the wife of someone who was my husband for 9 years and best friend for 10. She was never coming back, she was dead as dead could get. I would never get her back and that was devastating to me. I liked that woman, even though she had become sad with some aspects of her life. She was still a good Mom, she stayed home and despite some of the frustrations of being alone most of the time, she kept pushing through. None of which matters now, since she is dead. What would I do without her? Who would I be without her?
I would still be Mandy. Mandy Ever After, even after all this heartache I would still be Mandy. I just wouldn't be a wife. I am still a mother. I am still almost 40, I am still a survivor.
I don't know if somewhere inside I saw this coming, but in August I had changed the name of my blog to Mandy Ever After. I don't even know why I did, I just wanted something new and I liked the way it sounded. Maybe, something in me was trying to tell me. That after all of this, even after all of this heartbreak and disappointed I would still be Mandy.
It's only been a week. I'm not over it. I still cry, body racking sobs still rage through my body. But, I'm learning to control them. I am learning to be around my soon to be ex and speak cordially. I am learning to just parent with him, and not try to have any other kind of connection with him. He's not mine anymore, and I am not his. We are however our children's parents. So, while I may be devastated that I am losing what I thought was my soulmate and best friend, I know that my children are not losing their father. They are not losing their mother. If we are never mature adults about anything again in our lives, we are being mature, caring, gentle people when it comes to parenting our two beautiful babies.
The only advice I have for someone going through this is something a very good friend of mine told me in the midst of my initial breakdown: "Stay in the Moment". Take this crap show one second at a time if you have to. Stay present. Do not worry about the future, or the past, those are two things you can't afford to worry about right now. Go ahead and cry when you need to, I still do. When the kids are at school I spend a lot of time doing things around the house crying. Divorce is like death. The hurt isn't going to end overnight. Even when you accept it's over, you don't automatically feel better.
I just keep telling myself "Hang in there kid! This is just the end of the two of you, not the end of me."