My Marriage Ended

I got divorced and it sucked. As if any divorce is a cake walk or something to sing about. I am sure there are some that are wonderful experiences, unfortunately, mine wasn’t one of those.

I loved my husband, still do. Of course I did or I wouldn’t have married him. I thought we would grow old together and have side by side rocking chairs on the porch of the home for seniors. I had waited until my late 30s and turned down other marriage proposals before him. I was even fine with the idea of never getting married. But some things are not meant to last.

After 15 years of the good, bad and ugly, we called it quits. In retrospect we may have held on longer than we should have but neither one of us were ready (or brave enough) to pull the plug sooner. So we filed the paperwork, divided the possessions and with a stamp from the court it was over.

It is actually a very sterile action of ending what began with a ceremony and party. When you get married there is all the fun of the engagement and telling everyone. Then the wedding ceremony and exchanging of rings followed by a reception with cake and gifts. Everyone is happy for you, you take pictures and get lots of hugs.

When I got divorced I got a document in the mail that let me know my life was now completely different. I was alone and it was mixed in with the junk mail and grocery coupons. It was a bit anticlimactic. Then I got depressed. Like a lot of women and men that get divorced. Maybe it doesn’t have to be that way.

When a baby is born we spread the news, everyone is involved and family shares in the event. The same is true with a funeral. There is community, family, announcements and a defined time. There is a beginning, middle and end of life, why not for marriage too?

I think part of the reason so many of us fall into a depression when we get divorced is that there is nothing to mark the passage. If I had been widowed there would be a funeral or memorial. People would come by with casseroles. I would get hugs and people would check on me. When you get divorced people just say things like they are sorry, maybe it is better, why or good, he was not right for you. Then you are expected to go on with your life as if nothing has really changed. I was alone when I took off my wedding band and put it away.

But everything has changed! Half my closet is empty. The bed seems really big. I have to watch TV alone. Then I discover that couples don’t like to do things with single people or they are used to the idea of not inviting you places because I always went places with my husband. So I spend a lot of time alone at home.

I took me a long time to figure it out. I am now in the process of planning some sort of transitional ceremony or event. It will most likely be just me but I feel like I need something to mark the change. Part of the feeling of depression was actually more of a drifting because it didn’t feel like anything had been completed, buried or memorialized.

I think more of us should do something to mark the milestones in our life both the good and the bad. The end of a marriage is a big milestone and if we don’t honor it in some way, it will haunt us as unfinished business. Maybe I will have ceremony in a dress or bury something. Not sure yet. But I do know it will help me feel as if things are complete and I can move on.