My Love

Love

I am so happy you clicked in to explore my point of view on love we all have different opinions but the fact that you decided to delve into mines says something about you... You are willing to ingest other’s opinions fully before releasing your own. Or maybe you’re just bored and wanted a quick read. Either way thank you for tapping in.

Before I even jump into my experience, I am going to say the last thing you should be worried about is a relationship, if you’re not right with yourself, even if you think you’re a ‘city girl’ or its just for money whatever. Love has a weird way of creeping up on us when you don’t want or care for it. I will say that me falling in love changed my course in life. My love is eternal and consuming. Which leads me to say the most important love you will ever have in your life is first self-love, love of one’s self. I know some people might think the love they receive from their child is most important, but you're wrong. If you do not love yourself properly your child will pick up on that. You are their blueprint for how things should be in their life that ranges from self-love to relationships, even to how you clean the house. I do not love myself the way that I should, over this past year that has definitely changed but I still have some ways to go. At my lowest point, when I did not love myself at all I tried to pour all the love I had in my body into other people around me. That didn’t work and here’s my theory. Your body and soul kind of knows what’s best for you. For example, when I eat fried foods, I get a terrible nauseous feeling, almost immediately after I ingest this food. But I love to have Popeyes here and there. The same way when I know for facts I haven’t slept in 3 days but try to push for a 4th and I wake up passed out when the last the I remember is stopping to take my shoes off. I think that your body, mind and soul KNOWS you aren’t using your love correctly. I am speaking for me right now but if you can relate comment and let me know. When I loved people in the past I felt like I was obsessed from my brother to my friend to my significant other. Like if they weren’t texting me in the morning or calling me while I was at work or I didn’t hear from them for a whole day whew! I feel like that was something inside me checking up on that love that I was using incorrectly or trying to make me get it back. Now I don’t stress over these people, over anyone really. I enjoy my time alone until I’m in the house alone watching something scary lol. I feel like I can love these people from a distance and I understand that these people do not belong to me. None of them made any promises to me that I have to hold them accountable for, so they can be free to flow away and back to me as they please.

I have only loved one man in my life besides my father and 3 brothers. I met him when I was 15 but the way I was raised I was not allowed to date and I was scared to. So our history is really up and down more downs than ups. For the last 2 years I was in a relationship with the love of my life, that I met the end of my ninth-grade year and I have loved him since that day when he took my drink and disappeared into the back of the class. Where we stayed until school was out. I often feel like we’re meant to be in each other’s lives because we have always found our way back to each other. We are not together now but I am so thankful to have experienced life with him. The best ideas I have gotten have come from being around him and he says something beautiful about me and I feel like there’s nothing I can’t do, and I know he’ll support me no matter what. I wish I could see myself through his eyes. But I did not and still do not love myself the way I should to be in a relationship. I can have friends and I even have an amazing relationship with one of my brothers. But when I am in a relationship, I cannot think about anything other than what he wanted and needed to be happy, all I want to do is relieve his stress and give him memories of things he’s never done. On the other hand, with all of this thinking I am doing I also create a “play by play” of how things will go, which brought out a terrible and overly emotional side in me and caused a lot of heated discussions. Focusing on someone else’s life while yours is stagnant creates resentment when you don’t feel like your life is progressing the way it should and I don’t blame him for anything because he always supported me. This is the point of this entry to explain from my experiences how self-destructive pouring yourself into someone else can be. It’s like I'm filling up this pitcher of my love juice to pour into everyone’s cup at my table but my cup is empty at the end. All I did was pour poison or ammunition into those cups. The reason I say poison is because for the right person that is supposed to be in your life, your juice makes them a little sick they have to go heal themselves and come back, sometimes they don’t come back. I say ammunition because we all know about those bad people that see a caring person and decides to use them up. Loving without self-love is self-destruction. But that’s not always a bad thing sometimes you need to burn it down so you can rebuild. I just know that some people cannot handle the metamorphosis hence the fore warning.

I feel like if I put my success first when I graduated, I would’ve been in a better position. Because a lot of my stress comes from where I am in my life at 23. That was one thing I didn’t know about my love before we got in an official relationship, how overpowering it is, my love comes second to nothing, there was no limit to what I would do for my love. But can you imagine where I would be if I filled up my love cup first and then dispersed it where I deemed deserving? Well we’re going to find out. My only advice I can give on love is fill your cup up first. If you’re 15, 16, even 14 and you feel like you love yourself immensely I won’t say you shouldn’t be in a relationship, the big sister in me will definitely say that scream it even. My personal opinion is that young women should not date until after they graduate college and are in the midst of living their dreams, I feel that is the only way you can’t get sidetracked. Not to mention I did not know a thing of depression until the first time we broke up, I did not leave the house for months. Before him I never cared about relationships or who liked me, with the exception of my poetry leader after school, he was my muse before I knew what it was. But, when you’ve already accomplished your dreams and when you meet the right person you will cultivate new dreams together whether that is a family, new business venture, or just small personal goals you never thought about. I will say that having the right person on your side will help you realize things about yourself you never knew. Some people meet their forever and ever at young ages which there is nothing wrong with it. But if there is anything, I have learned on this journey with him is if they are truly your forever and always nothing can change that. You share a connection that time and distance only intensifies. So, keep an open line of communication and that door will always be open.

I am not a professional anything, I am just sharing my thoughts, they are not law. I just hope that my words will help you in some way. Whether I help you see you are not ready to be in a relationship even though you have deep feelings for this person, or that it’s okay to carve out your own path in a world full of relationship goal posts, or give you that final push you needed to make a big move that will change everything for the better. Having a happy life alone or with someone starts with loving yourself. I do not in any way have the guidebook on the steps you have to take to love yourself. I am bringing you on this journey with me while I figure out how to love myself and make myself happy with who I am and what I have accomplished. Again, thank you for tapping in with me. I am not a professional writer so if you see any areas, I could improve in let me know. Or if there’s a topic you would like me to write about, I am open to all constructive critiscism.