My Friend

We sure missed you yesterday the nurse & the aid said as I walked into the nursing home to start my shift. I asked why and they proceeded to relay the happenings with one of my favorites residents at the home. They told me how my sweet friend was all excited, that she got all dressed up and was looking forward to going out to dinner with her son. He did not show up they said. Yeah they said she waited all day and finally called him at 6:00 to ask when he was coming to take her out of the home for a bit. He said he was busy. My co-workers were still fit to be tied when telling this to me.

Tho they are expected to keep a professional distance in order to be good at their jobs, sometimes, some days the pain they witness settles into the hearts of these angels who are care takers of the elderly. The nurse and the aid said that my sweet friend just hung up the phone in the communal TV room after hearing her son would not be taking her out and rolled down the hall to her room sobbing the whole way. They said they had wished I had been there to soothe her as they know how close we have become. Truth be told I would have probably made up some excuse to ease the pain of her son being too busy for her on this particular day.

The sweet souls that are here in the facility are no longer tough skinned enough to hear that kind of truth, so yes I would have explained away his busy-ness. I am not a liar in my "real" life however when I am in the facility I do and say whatever it takes to soothe the hearts of those I encounter. At one time all of these folks may have indeed been able to hear the cold hard truth but here in the remaining winter days of their lives, I believe they deserve all the softness I can give them. So I lie.

I have seen this happen so often, a family member saying they will come and don't., It is not as though the residents don't know that their families have busy lives, they do and they understand and forgive the days, weeks, months even years in between visits. However once told they will be taken out or visited they hang on to that with every breath they take. Some may weave excuses for their loved ones if much time has passed as if getting mad at them will unravel the thread that binds them to their loved ones.

When I sat down at my desk my sweet friend came to see me as she does each day and said I will wait for you outside I need to tell you something.

My friend likes to share my dinner break with me each night. We sit outside together she in her wheelchair and me at the picnic table, sometimes she saves her dinner to eat at the same time I eat mine, sometimes we order pizza, sometimes we just have chips and soda together. It doesn't matter what we eat, we just are together. I am not answering phones, making appointments, faxing anything, greeting new families or nurturing another resident, it is just me & my friend.

This day since I had already heard about her weekend and her son not showing up I knew she would want to tell me about it. We meet outside as the evening begins, we make small talk for a while. I tell her about a baby bird that my cat caught and how I brought it to a wildlife rehabilitation center. She tells me I am a good bird saver. We watch the birds together gather around the bird feeder by the picnic table. She then says, he said he would take me to dinner and he didn't. I waited all day for him and he never even called to say he was not coming. Her child like self assumes I know she is talking about her son. Even if I had not heard what had happened from the nurse and the aid, my heart would already know it was her son she was speaking about. Usually only a child can cause the kind of pain I heard in her voice. I ask her what happened and she talks of the sadness she felt after being happy all day thinking he was taking her to dinner. I tell her that he loves her and that yes indeed he is a busy guy. He is busy with two kids, a wife and a new job. I also tell her that I am sure he did not mean to hurt her and that he probably just got busy doing stuff around the house. I want at least in this moment for her not feel the familiar feelings of being insignificant that I know sneaks into her mind each day because of what her life is now like. So yes I make excuses for her sons behavior. She does not tell me of the events or the phone call or the crying. She tells me of her sadness and that he said he would come next weekend. One tear on her cheek tells me the rest.

We are 16 years apart my friend and I, she lives in a small room with as many much loved possessions her small space can hold. I live in a big house with many rooms to clean, a house from what she has told me is much like the one she once lived in. Four strokes in four years have left her body feeling foreign to her. She is tiny as a minute, I am so not tiny, she has a hard time holding her head up, I must remember to hold my head high, she dresses to remind herself that she can, I dress to look pretty.

She is like an elf, an adult with a pleasant history of loving and living yet because of the strokes she is also child like and easily hurt. Her memories of her other life are remembered through the eyes and heart of an adult. The love of her husband, her parents, her children and her profession are all still clear as a bell to her. The today and yesterday memories are felt and seen through the eyes and heart of a child. The instant pain of someone ignoring her or dismissing her words because they take longer to be said. The gracious acceptance she displays when talking about living the rest of her life at the facility. The visible ache when she talks about her son not showing up. She is both an adult and a child and she calls me her best friend.