My Ex

It was a long time since I last saw her. And it hurt. My heart ached and throbbed just to see her again and I could blame no one but my self. I had pushed her away and made her leave. In my mind, I could picture her perfectly. She had long dark brown hair and the most beautiful light green eyes that seemed to see right through me. Her lips were full and her freckles seemed like nothing more than angel kisses making her all the more beautiful. She had a round face but it was perfect. No matter what anyone tells me I know she deserved better. I guess the worst part is knowing that I will never get her back.

She was the most innocent thing when we met. Her blush burnt crimson on her cheeks and her eyes still held that wonder in them. She was the cutest person in the world when her brows furrowed. I knew when she came off that city bus that she was a princess among us peasants and that I wanted her as my own. I was a show off then. Thinking that my skills with Dance Dance Revolution would impress her. She didn't really care about that she just wanted to have fun and enjoy the time she had with her friends at the time. That made me fall for her even more.

We all hung out together for a while, my brother and his girlfriend, her, myself and another one of our friends. It took me a while to realize that she was hitting on me as much as I was hitting on her. I only found out because of her asthma attack. I remember seeing her gasp desperately for air and wanting to protect her. But I knew nothing. Between the five of us, we got her fit to calm down, but she isolated herself. I don't know if it was out of anger or embarrassment but I wanted to help.

We talked for a long time. She talked about her family and how she thought I was cute and that I was out of her league. She was so naive then. It was late and with our age, we had to be home before police caught us. Amazingly we walked together with our arms around each other to her uncle's house.

We were together. I would sneak over to her house. She would visit mine. Oddly both our parents approved. Things were like they were meant to be. Similar to how you read about them in story books. It felt exactly like that. I panicked. I left. It's not because I wasn't content because I was. There was something inside me, screaming at me that I would fail.

It kept screaming and screaming that I would let her down and she would leave. That nothing would work out the way it was supposed to. I wasn't good enough and she would find that out and leave. This voice would go on and on. I even let a friend of mine borrow my phone so if she called she couldn't convince me to come back. I was convinced that I would ruin her life.

Eventually, the emptiness that only she could fill was unbearable and I came back. She was so happy she cried. I remember thinking that this should be the only time an angel should cry. When they are so filled with joy. But what I did changed her. When she looked at me she had doubt. It was so very tiny but I saw it. I ignored it for a while. She would get sad when I left. I knew what caused it. She was afraid I would leave for good, just like before. After a while I told her that her sadness made me not want to come over at all. It was a lie.

The voice eventually came back and I did leave. Reinforcing all the doubts that hid in her mind. We became one of those casual on-again off-again couples that you would see around and shake your head at. The difference though is between our break-ups I would have some one else and she never would. I ended up having a kid with the other. Way before I was even ready.

When my angel found out... I saw her heart break. I saw the millions of shards it splintered into and I shoved her away again...

After years of this and the two of us finally having a child of our own, four with the other, she told me she was leaving. She told me what I had once told her, "If I'm single when we see each other again, we should give it a chance."

She took our boy to another state, I completely agreed, still do. She's happily married now and by the grace of God we're friends. I wonder if I'll ever find someone better or that can take away the ache I feel. It's my own fault for pushing her away. My own karma. But I think its about time to forgive myself.