My Dating Journey Through Matchmaker Hell

The most bizarre time of my life began, five years ago, when I decided to re-enter the dating world. I chose a secure site that marketed success. The following events are true but all names were changed to protect the innocent and the guilty. You can decide what verdict applies to each.

My goal? I wanted to meet someone to spend casual time with and abandon my self-imposed isolation.

The Pilot Episode 1 -- Ana and the Horse.

Intrigued by her profile and pictures we communicated by text for a week before we set up our introductory meeting with drinks. She matched, in person, her pictures and profile. Her voice rang with confidence. The date turned negative when, on the second drink, she said,

"I like you and I think we are hitting it off quite well. In fact, I think our relationship will do well and I would sleep with you, but I have to ask a question first."

"If we are to be together, would you buy me a horse?"

Stunned, I played along and responded.

"What kind of horse and when are you wanting this horse?" I asked.

Encouraged, she spoke louder and said,

"I have one picked out and ready for delivery tomorrow. He's only twenty thousand dollars."

I laughed and said, "No thanks." and ended the date.

For some reason, she blocked me before I arrived back home.

Episode 2 -- Julie the Catfish

Her profile appeared fresh and full of energy. Her photos with full brown eyes and brunette hair were beautiful, simple, and tasteful. She didn't live far away, and we agreed to meet for an introduction at a rooftop bar.

I arrived first. Halfway into my beer a woman appeared on my left. A gnarly woman with thin dirty blonde hair, smoker's wrinkles around her mouth, and beady eyes.

"Hey there, big boy, you ready to buy me a drink?" The rank staleness of her smoker's breath overwhelmed me.

"No ma'am, I am meeting someone here any minute now." I declined.

"I am your date," she said.

"Where's Julie?" I asked, as my eyes searched past her.

"I am Julie," she answered. "I understand I don't look anything like who you were expecting, but I hope since we hit it off so well online that it wouldn't matter to you."

Shocked, yet curious, I asked her, "Who is the person in the photos you posted?"

"My daughter, she's married with two kids, and she's okay with it. Are you?" She asked.

"Let's see, you pose as your daughter on a site to meet men. Your profile listed transparency as one thing you were seeking and honesty." I said, and swigged the last of my beer, then added,

"Nope, I'm not okay with it."

I stood up and left. Her craggy voice rose above the din of the bar as I walked away.

"Men are so shallow."

Her catfish profile vanished by the time I got home.

I felt disenfranchised with the entire online dating process, but I had signed up for a three-month membership. Armed with better skills from my experiences I decided to continue in my search.

Episode 3 -- Susan the possessive.

Several weeks passed and I dawdled around the date site, somewhat disinterested when I came across an interesting profile. I hearted her profile, and we began a two-week process from chatting online, talking by phone, and then arranged to meet.

The first introduction went smooth, and we met the next week for a Friday night dinner date. Labor Day weekend was upon us and I told her I about my planned weekend with my extended family, including my terminally sick brother.

Sunday night I called her and it seemed like another person answered the phone. In lieu of a greeting, she said,

"Don't ever call me again. Your profile is still active on the site and you logged on this weekend."

"I logged on to show my daughter your photo." I replied.

"Yeah, right, you're a cheater! Bye!" The line went dead. I wondered how she knew that I had logged on without doing so herself.

Later, I checked the site and I had been blocked.

A glutton for punishment I continued the search for a companion.

Episode 4 -- Joanne the Banker

Several weeks passed when I received a heart from Joanne. She lived forty-five miles away but I didn't see that as a problem. Joanne photos showed her attractive with her blue eyes, blonde hair and a polished professional appearance.

As an upper level executive Banker she liked to talk about her success and high income. We met for the introduction and it went very well so met a few days later for dinner. I regained hope that I would attain my goal of finding a companion online after our excellent date.

We alternated travel and on the second date she came to my town for Sunday Brunch. The meal complete, I sipped on a Mimosa, when Joanne said we needed to talk.

"I really like you and enjoy being with you, so I think it is time we talked about sex!"

I snorted some Mimosa up my nose and sputtered, "Okay?"

"I have special desires in this regard and wondered if you'd be comfortable with my ex-husband joining in with us? She stared, unblinking and raised her eyebrows wanting a response.

"Ex-husband? What do you mean?" I turned flush and all my senses went on high alert.

Joanne pointed to a bald headed man sitting at a table across the room.

"John, my ex-husband, is here and wants to meet you. We still partner up but don't live together, and we always have a third. Would you like to meet him?" The man she called John waved at me.

I put my head down, placed my napkin on the table, and my eyes met hers for the last time.

"No!" I declared. Disgusted, I stood up, walked away and left the restaurant.

What the hell was going on in this world of dating? What a colossal waste of my time and energy. If it is this difficult and crazy on the man's side of the Date aisle, what in the world is on the woman's side?

And yes, you already know. By the time I arrived home I had been blocked.

I quit, and gave up for a while, but I still had a month's membership to use up.

Episode 5 -- Anne the Gold

In short, I met Anne on the site, and we held court many evenings. We enjoyed our conversations and laughed often. Neither one of us alluded to meeting each other for weeks.

We talked about our similar experiences on the site with catfish, paranoid possessives, gold diggers, and many other weird scenarios . Her experiences were as strange as mine and some worse. The ugliest experiences she dealt with included the plethora of male body parts transmitted.

She asked, "Why do men want to send lewd banana fruit photos instead of flowers?"

I didn't have an answer except that I was definitely a flower guy.

The last week of my membership we met for drinks and talked about our travels to Chicago, New York City and the Caribbean. I thought the intro date went well and looked forward to the dinner date we set for the next Saturday.

Saturday came and one hour before the appointed time she sent me a text to inform that she had to cancel. I called her.

She told me, "I cancelled because when you said you went to New York on business that the most expensive Hotel you stayed in cost seven hundred dollars a night. I don't stay anywhere that charges less than a thousand. I'm sorry, I enjoyed meeting you, but you can't afford me. Also, you didn't send me flowers."

She hung up.

I guess she was serious about the flowers versus the banana fruit thing.

The next day I deleted my profile and photos and that began a laborious process to close the account. I recommend that anyone enrolled in a dating site study multiple languages first, to better navigate the exit requirements.

The Finale

What had I learned about online dating? I decided that I would find my own way to meet a companion. The curtain that is created by the Dating sites allows people to alter their persona and lurk in the shadows. After my bizarre experiences the best advice I can give for dating is to do it yourself.

*Find someone who has public and transparent general information and some demonstration of common ground through work, community, or even social media. Ask a shared friend to introduce you, if interested.

*Join a social group online with common interest, like Vocal. You will learn a person's mind and heart quite quickly reading their works.

*Let your friends introduce their friends that they can vouch for.

*My mom encouraged group gatherings when I was young, it's still good advice today.

*Take a class or go to a church of your choice.

*Volunteer in your community and you will meet people of like mind.

The day after the Dating site cancellation I received a weekly promo email from the Date site that listed Thumbnail pics of the newest potential matches. Number seven was my ex-wife.

"Should I send a warning?" I thought.

"Nah, everyone on the site deserves what they get. It's a match!"