MY BIG 2020 CHRISTMAS DUMP!
Including : An Alternative Christmas film synopsis: #PerfectPutin Christmas! : A Lovely Catholic Christmas Family Song gone wrong! And other various dark twisted adult jokes! (WARNING! VERY DARK ADULT HUMOUR!)
!
(WARNING!)
(VERY DARK ADULT HUMOUR!)
.
!
An Alternative Christmas film synopsis:
.
A business MAN from the Big City, who hates Christmas,
Meets
A Small Town WOMAN, who loves Christmas, that has just moved to that big city.
.
Together after a bit of obvious "will, they"/"won't they" storyline,
One of them has a Christmas epiphany!
.
The small town WOMAN realises that the MAN is right!
That Christmas is not just merely crap,
But horribly, direly crap!
.
Together they manage to raise enough money to go back to the WOMANS Small Town,
And evict everyone just before Christmas!
Turning the whole place into an open-cast uranium mine instead!
.
Giggling joyfully together as all Her previously loved and loving old townfolk weep,
As they are now forced to leave forever!
.
The film ends with the couple celebrating a much cooler holiday instead!
Such as Halloween!
.
OR
The Woman becoming the First Republican Party Female President of the United States!
.
OR
Possibly Both!
(TV film budget permitting!)
.
!
.
A #PerfectPutin Christmas!
.
This Christmas!
.
Remember kids!
.
.
He knows when you are sleeping,
.
He knows when You’re awake,
.
He knows if You’ve been supportive or critical,
.
So be Supportive for goodness sake!
.
You better watch out,
.
You better Not try,
.
You better Not satire,
.
I’m Telling You why!
.
Because O’l Vlad Putin's Claws are in Your Hometown!
.
!
.
Hands up anyone?
.
Hands up anyone that feels that it is in any way shape or form appropriate to encourage the ghost of the long-dead patron saint of prostitutes to hang around your children late at night offering them stuff out of an old sack!
.
"Hoe!"
.
"Hoe!"
.
"Hoe!"
.
!
.
Some Gifts?
.
REMEMBER!
.
.
CHRISTMAS MAY WELL BE A TIME FOR GIVING!
.
.
.
BUT NO ONE WANTS CHLAMYDIA!
.
.
.
.
(or something much worse!)
.
Wear a condom!
.
!
.
SPLAT!
.
SO MANY CHRISTMAS JUMPERS!
.
.
(So many messy pavements...)
.
.
.
(That was a bit too dark even for me!)
.
.
THIS IS WHY I PUT THE WARNING ABOVE!
(WARNING!)
(VERY DARK ADULT HUMOUR!)
!
.
DAD SCENARIO 3
A Lovely Catholic Christmas Family Song!
.
Scene :
Christmas time.
.
A grandmother’s family home.
.
Italian Roman Catholic heritage on one side
.
Irish Catholic Heritage on the other
.
It is a grandparent’s home there are plenty of crosses and Mary statues around as well as one or two pictures on the current pope
.
The children are all showing off all the lovely carols they have learned at Sacred Heart Catholic Faith School.
.
.
Very young son:
“Dad Can I have a go now please”
.
Wife :
“Sure love, it is your turn now.”
.
< My bright-eyed little boy stands tall and proud and burst into glowing Christian song! >
.
Very young son: <Sings>
”Seems like all I can see was the squiggle”
“Hunted by ghosts that lived in my past”
“Bound up in shackles of all my failures”
“Wondering how long is this gonna last”
.
< All the grandparents are beaming with pride,>
.
<Some of the words are wrong but no one cares, He is only a young child trying his best,>
.
Very young son :
“Then You look at this pissner and say to me ‘son Stop fighting a fight that's already been won.”
.
<We ignore the minor error, it’s kind of cute>
.
<My son's confidence grows and he raises the volume In the sort of tuneless way only a little boy that young can!>
.
Very young son:
“I AM DEMON, YOU SET ME FREE”
.
< I and two other dads do a literal full-on sprayed spit take!>
.
< I never thought those happened in real life!>
.
Very young son:
“So I'll shake off theses heavy chains”
“And wipe away every stain now I'm not who I used to be”
.
<My son's confidence grows again! He raises the volume In the sort of tuneless way only a little boy that young can to the last crescendo!>
.
<The grandparent can only look on in horror>
.
<I am in literal dire pain with trying not to bust,>
.
<while also thinking ‘Best Christmas ever!’>
.
Very young son :
“I AM DEMON!”
.
“I AM DEMON!”
.
<His little face lighting up, mistaking my tears of dire laughter as glowing praise>
.
<I am have just about recovered myself,>
.
<it could not possibly get any better than that>
.
Very young <and now very enthusiastic and excited> son:
“Can I do it again!”
.
Wife :
“Maybe later dear”
.
While at the same time jerking her elbow back into my ribs harder than she ever has before!>
.
Very young son :
“BUT? Everyone else got to do a number two?!”
.
< She too late though,>
.
< I am howling my head off and struggling to breathe while the rest of the family look on in disapproving horror at me! >
.
About the Creator
Ross E Fortune Lombardi
Writer. Gamer, Goth
A (Constantly Failing To Be Funny) satirist!
Mutare non est meum
Cantus moriar
BLOG:
http://lombot.co.uk
Comments
There are no comments for this story
Be the first to respond and start the conversation.