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MY BIG 2020 CHRISTMAS DUMP!

Including : An Alternative Christmas film synopsis: #PerfectPutin Christmas! : A Lovely Catholic Christmas Family Song gone wrong! And other various dark twisted adult jokes! (WARNING! VERY DARK ADULT HUMOUR!)

By Ross E Fortune LombardiPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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Picture from https://www.publicdomainpictures.net/en/view-image.php?image=237393&picture=christmas-tree-lights-detail

!

(WARNING!)

(VERY DARK ADULT HUMOUR!)

.

!

An Alternative Christmas film synopsis:

.

A business MAN from the Big City, who hates Christmas,

Meets

A Small Town WOMAN, who loves Christmas, that has just moved to that big city.

.

Together after a bit of obvious "will, they"/"won't they" storyline,

One of them has a Christmas epiphany!

.

The small town WOMAN realises that the MAN is right!

That Christmas is not just merely crap,

But horribly, direly crap!

.

Together they manage to raise enough money to go back to the WOMANS Small Town,

And evict everyone just before Christmas!

Turning the whole place into an open-cast uranium mine instead!

.

Giggling joyfully together as all Her previously loved and loving old townfolk weep,

As they are now forced to leave forever!

.

The film ends with the couple celebrating a much cooler holiday instead!

Such as Halloween!

.

OR

The Woman becoming the First Republican Party Female President of the United States!

.

OR

Possibly Both!

(TV film budget permitting!)

.

!

.

A #PerfectPutin Christmas!

.

This Christmas!

.

Remember kids!

.

.

He knows when you are sleeping,

.

He knows when You’re awake,

.

He knows if You’ve been supportive or critical,

.

So be Supportive for goodness sake!

.

You better watch out,

.

You better Not try,

.

You better Not satire,

.

I’m Telling You why!

.

Because O’l Vlad Putin's Claws are in Your Hometown!

.

!

.

Hands up anyone?

.

Hands up anyone that feels that it is in any way shape or form appropriate to encourage the ghost of the long-dead patron saint of prostitutes to hang around your children late at night offering them stuff out of an old sack!

.

"Hoe!"

.

"Hoe!"

.

"Hoe!"

.

!

.

Some Gifts?

.

REMEMBER!

.

.

CHRISTMAS MAY WELL BE A TIME FOR GIVING!

.

.

.

BUT NO ONE WANTS CHLAMYDIA!

.

.

.

.

(or something much worse!)

.

Wear a condom!

.

!

.

SPLAT!

.

SO MANY CHRISTMAS JUMPERS!

.

.

(So many messy pavements...)

.

.

.

(That was a bit too dark even for me!)

.

.

THIS IS WHY I PUT THE WARNING ABOVE!

(WARNING!)

(VERY DARK ADULT HUMOUR!)

!

.

DAD SCENARIO 3

A Lovely Catholic Christmas Family Song!

.

Scene :

Christmas time.

.

A grandmother’s family home.

.

Italian Roman Catholic heritage on one side

.

Irish Catholic Heritage on the other

.

It is a grandparent’s home there are plenty of crosses and Mary statues around as well as one or two pictures on the current pope

.

The children are all showing off all the lovely carols they have learned at Sacred Heart Catholic Faith School.

.

.

Very young son:

“Dad Can I have a go now please”

.

Wife :

“Sure love, it is your turn now.”

.

< My bright-eyed little boy stands tall and proud and burst into glowing Christian song! >

.

Very young son: <Sings>

”Seems like all I can see was the squiggle”

“Hunted by ghosts that lived in my past”

“Bound up in shackles of all my failures”

“Wondering how long is this gonna last”

.

< All the grandparents are beaming with pride,>

.

<Some of the words are wrong but no one cares, He is only a young child trying his best,>

.

Very young son :

“Then You look at this pissner and say to me ‘son Stop fighting a fight that's already been won.”

.

<We ignore the minor error, it’s kind of cute>

.

<My son's confidence grows and he raises the volume In the sort of tuneless way only a little boy that young can!>

.

Very young son:

“I AM DEMON, YOU SET ME FREE”

.

< I and two other dads do a literal full-on sprayed spit take!>

.

< I never thought those happened in real life!>

.

Very young son:

“So I'll shake off theses heavy chains”

“And wipe away every stain now I'm not who I used to be”

.

<My son's confidence grows again! He raises the volume In the sort of tuneless way only a little boy that young can to the last crescendo!>

.

<The grandparent can only look on in horror>

.

<I am in literal dire pain with trying not to bust,>

.

<while also thinking ‘Best Christmas ever!’>

.

Very young son :

“I AM DEMON!”

.

“I AM DEMON!”

.

<His little face lighting up, mistaking my tears of dire laughter as glowing praise>

.

<I am have just about recovered myself,>

.

<it could not possibly get any better than that>

.

Very young <and now very enthusiastic and excited> son:

“Can I do it again!”

.

Wife :

“Maybe later dear”

.

While at the same time jerking her elbow back into my ribs harder than she ever has before!>

.

Very young son :

BUT? Everyone else got to do a number two?!”

.

< She too late though,>

.

< I am howling my head off and struggling to breathe while the rest of the family look on in disapproving horror at me! >

.

humor
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About the Creator

Ross E Fortune Lombardi

Writer. Gamer, Goth

A (Constantly Failing To Be Funny) satirist!

[email protected]

Mutare non est meum

Cantus moriar

BLOG:

http://lombot.co.uk

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