My Best Christmas Present

I admit I am not a lover of Christmas. All that build up, the crowds in the shops, the glaring Christmas lights and hearing that same Christmas song over and over. Not to mention stress and worry about money.

I like a quiet Christmas. Even though I have enjoyed many Christmases over the years the best ones for me have been the ones on my own in peace and quiet. Most people do not understand this, mind you many do not understand that I am perfectly happy alone.

Here is a little background concerning my first gift. To begin with in order to understand the meaning of my gift is to know I am a female to male transsexual or trans man. I came out long before I was able to start on hormone treatment. I have severe depression and I have needed to be stable before I was able to commence treatment.

I started my treatment but I had another severe bout of depression and had to put things on hold. Once I was well it took me a long time to get back into the system again. There were lots of issues but mostly surrounding misinformation and investigations into other health issues.

Trans men generally need to bind their chest in order to appear more masculine, breasts are often a big part of the dysphoria which is felt by a trans man. To give you sense of how strong that dysphoria was for me I will tell you now I was very large breasted. Binding was an awful experience for me as a really like to be able to breathe, I was always sweaty all year round and far too hot. I always felt you could tell and at times I reckon you could as I went through binders really quickly as they lost there tension.

Eventually I did get back into the system and was cleared to go ahead for chest surgery. My operation was at the beginning of December. It was a huge thing after all these years. I had had anaesthetic a few times and it always scared me. I do not like the feeling of being out of control. I also knew this was going to change my life forever.

Surprisingly I was not in much pain afterwards although the drains were a pain in the backside. It was not comfortable but I had a strong sense of euphoria and for the first time in a long time I cried. I struggle to cry usually, I am not ashamed, I just don’t do it.

The drains were cumbersome so when it was time to have them taken out it was a relief. That’s when I got my Christmas present, I felt so free. Okay I had scars but there was no binder, no breasts and I could breath properly. I was finally feeling comfortable with myself and so much more confident. I could strut my stuff.

My second best Christmas present brings us to this Christmas 2020. Its been a bloody awful year for everyone. Although it has not been the best 2020 has been my year, my year to look inside myself. The last few years being very stressful and heartbreaking as I had split with my partner after more than 10 years.

This year has been a year of looking at my shadow self and accepting who that shadow is and that it is a part of me. I finally let a lot of things go and learned a lot about myself. I was also able to reconnect more fully to my spirituality which I never lost but had drifted away from. All this and having chest reconstruction surgery has given me so much more confidence in myself and a peaceful clarity I have never had before.

My Christmas present this year and for the New Year is a contentedness and knowing have the confidence to do the work I have always wanted to. My passion is for spirituality and alternative healing and well-being and I am now ready to go for it.

I know I will still face challenges and I still need to work on myself but I would not have it any other way. We all need to grow and learn. Merry Christmas.