I used to read books about love and happy endings, I still do read books about that, sci-fi fantasy books to be exact. I used to live in these books, and like most people it's what I dreamed of and what I wanted. I used to look up to my parents as a love that I'd want, but things happened and they became my first heart break. Things kind of went down hill after that, my mind set, kind of lost its path... if that makes sense. I used to be so happy, skipping everywhere, wearing my dresses, smiling everyday with my crooked teeth. After some wild examinations and some thorough searches, I've become my mind again.
I went through a lot in my high school years, made amazing friends that have been there for me through almost everything. I don't know exactly where to start, I don't want to bore you with pointless details but I don't want to leave important details out, get me?
In elementary school, I was considered "flat." In middle school that "flat" turned into curves and a bum... so seeing all those couples out there, all happy and such, and seeing that guys only came at me for a little something, kind of messed with my head. I started to believe that, I was only my body.. and so I gave my "body" to an old best friend I had in high school. Keep in mind that, I gave it to him after I graduated high school, so I was a virgin throughout my whole life, I say that in case my parents or some relatives stumble upon this story. Back to the story, doing what I did, it destroyed our friendship... and its one of my many regrets.
I also used to believe that I wasn't going to live past 20, mainly because I couldn't imagine it. I thought I would never fall in love, never have kids, never get married or be in my own "home." I thought I was disgusting, too complicated, and insane. I remember the world looking so sad to me... I was so lost... I had lost my parents, not in a death way but my dad was/is an alcoholic, my mom was a mom. I was never close to my mom though, I never knew how to talk to her, how to ask for her help in fixing me. we never had that "talk" or anything. I couldn't exactly talk to my dad because then his "I'll kill anyone who hurts you," persona would pop out and I didn't want that. Plus my family, we hardly ever said I love you to each other. We weren't affectionate, which is probably why I didn't know how to react to "love" when I found it. I was raised to have walls up, to survive being picked on, to not cry in public, to keep my emotions in, so I wouldn't be weak... and it did help a lot throughout my life. I wouldn't change the way I was raised, and even though we didn't show much emotion in my family, we were still a good family, we had fun and many memories, we knew we loved each other, but hearing the words are way more different that knowing.
Some things happened where we used to live, gangs and threats, and being evicted soon after. That moving day is engraved in my mind, because it was somewhat funny and sad. My dad being Mr. Krabs, rented a moving pickup truck, not a giant truck, but an actual pickup truck, so we had to make trips. My brother, sisters and I... we moved everything out, my mom had left in her truck, lived there for a year or so.. my dad left to his moms, to be safe.. After that, my sisters, dad and I stayed at my grandmas for a few months.. I left on my own.. I took my little sister to the park, came back around 8 P.m and my dad went off on me.. so I stayed in the kitchen drawing, literally saying nothing, and my aunt asks if I'm going to stay there and I said yea, so then my dad goes, "Alright, you want to fight, lets fight," and it ended with my grandma coming in, yelling at me, saying I'm disrespectful, and such, I got so mad because I didn't do anything, it was her son who started, So when my dad said, leave I don't need you here, I took it. He said it many times before and I know he never meant it but this time I took it and left the next morning.. When he figured out I was leaving, he looked sad.. but I wasn't going to stay here, I haven't talked to my grandma since then, it's been about 3 years.. I had planned to live in the park, but my boyfriend at the time said no, didn't let me, I even asked my friend if I could stay with her and she said her parents would probably say yes, but only for a few months, so I didn't go, I knew I wouldn't be up on my own in a few months.. so my boyfriend went to his parents.. I told him no, that I didn't want to do that, I didn't want his parents to think I was a lost cause or anything, but he still did it.. I remember him crying when he came outside and told me they want to talk to me, and when he said that the realization of me being kicked out set in, and I cried.. went in told them what happened and yea, I live there now. I think they didn't believe me though, cause they asked if I was pregnant.
My family now lives in their own apartment, we say I love you now, and even though its not the same as before, were still holding on. My mom comes and goes, I know she loves to go have her time, but everyone else is kind of bothered by it, my dad is dying apparently, I don't know his status right now, but he had cancer and cirrhosis last I checked. My sister A, is a waitress now, and she has a boyfriend which I never thought I'd see happen, because she's so weird and random. My other sister E is going through some things in her mind, she feels a bit down but I know she'll get through it, because she's really strong. My youngest sister R, is a brat. I know she'll pass it soon but I wish that soon would come faster. My brother lives somewhere else, pops by now and then to spend some time with us. And Myself, I live with my husband. My boyfriend at the time became my husband, and we now have a daughter. We still live with his family but I'm hoping soon we'll have our own home. Not that his family isn't great, they are, they've been amazing to me these past years.
I just want my own home, a place that I could decorate and make it look amazing. I've been looking for work, but no one would take a chance and hire a girl that's only worked in offices for less than a year and a warehouse job that lasted a few months. I've been thinking about opening my own business though, an idea given to me by my now best friend Alex and an old friend named Oscar. Oscar has his own business, in gaming and so does his girlfriend with eyelashes. I figure maybe I can do that too, by putting my designs on some clothes and other stuff and see if it takes off.
This story is probably all over the place, maybe later on, I'll separate the stories and tell them fully if that's what you want, but if you liked my story, please tell me, tell me what you want to hear, to know. I have so much to say, but never knew where to start.
I hope you guys are having a good day, and if not then I hope it gets better. I'm trying to slowly piece back myself, and I'm hoping that maybe writing this, it'll help me.
Good bye for now peoples.