Monogamy? I’m not convinced…

Yes, this could be seen as slightly hypocritical, or absurd, coming from a serial monogamist. The total time I have spend NOT in a monogamist relationship, since the age of 16, was a whopping 2 months. I am now 22, and still in a loving monogamous relationship. And as much as I love and respect my partner, I do tend to take a realistic approach when it comes to relationships.

Although I admit statistics are not always the most standardized and accurate representation of experienced reality; it may be a good place to start. We do know that on average more than 50% of marriages end in divorce (yes, I know this is probably the millionth time you’ve heard that), but that number even goes up to 70% in some countries. It has also been said that roughly 90% of relationships that begin before the age of 30 do not last. It may be difficult to say for certain how accurate these numbers are or how they may change in the near and far future. But one thing is becoming quite clearly; monogamy might just not be all that… practical?

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not suggesting that everyone should break up with their significant other or jump into a polyamorous or otherwise relationship. I am certainly not going to. But then again, I think ignoring these facts is both naïve and delusional. Although it is this very acceptance of monogamy as ‘fact’ or ‘status quo’ that provides us with a temporary sense of comfort and security; it also leads to blind complacency and to our own love lives’ ultimate demise.

This stems from what feels very secure and easy in the moment, yet may lead to ultimate ‘failure’; complacency. We, as human beings, love to be critical. We often enjoy criticizing political issues, celebrity dramas, and generally others’ opinions and actions. But what we rarely like to criticize is our own way of life, and the aspects of it that feel comfortable to us, even if they don’t make all that much sense. Some may feel slight unease by critiquing an aspect of life that they see as ‘matter of fact’, whilst others may experience an ‘existential crisis’ and even extreme anxiety. After all, questioning a core component of life as we know it, can be daunting to say the least.

I believe this is the reason why my blatant criticism of monogamy has been rarely well-received. It has actually been often met with a rapid defensive response such as

“oh no I could never actually imagine myself with anyone else, not even in 20 years’ time”

… even though just 1 hour ago she told me how she often fantasizes about passionate sex with her co-worker. After I tried to unpack this statement with this very friend, it became clear to me that the reason she did not want to imagine herself with someone else was because she didn’t want to imagine her partner wanting to, or being, with someone else in the future. It was less so about what she wanted for her own future sexual and romantic experiences, but more so about the restrictions she wanted for her partner. It was astonishing to observe how even the mere suggestion of them willingly continuing to be together in the future, and at the same time perhaps want or think about other romantic and sexual experiences, was quite offensive and bizarre to her.

What’s bizarre to me is that it has been reported that 40% of unmarried relationships, and 25% of marriages, experience at least one incident of infidelity. Now, I know it is hard to judge these very human situations using only numbers. But it’s probably fair to say even during these acts of infidelity it's still likely that at least some of these individuals still had feelings for their own partners. Now without getting into the intricacies of infidelity and dishonesty, this is still an important point to think about when discussing monogamy. Does the expectation of a one and only long-term romantic and sexual partner in fact go against our innate or otherwise human needs and desires? Perhaps.

What stands out for me in this discussion is our own: ego. We don’t normally get offended when our friends dare venture outside of our friendship and establish other friendships of their own, as well as enjoy the company of a group of mutual friends. Since we can, and are even expected to have more than one friend, our friends’ other friendships do not normally impede on our own egos. I think this may be because our friendship with them is just as valid even when they are enjoying the company of another friend. One friendship does not necessarily take away from the other. But of course we know that when it comes to romantically and sexually monogamous relationships the opposite is believed to be true. Since the social norm is set at monogamy, at least even temporary or short-term monogamy, as respectful and loyal partners we are almost excepted to suppress any romantic and sexual thoughts and feelings we may be experiencing about anyone that is not our partner. That is not to say this is unanimous, some may not experience this, but for those who do, they are expected to suppress such shameful internal dialogue or terminate the relationship; thereby allowing them to once again be ‘free’ to engage with any potential partners. But one thing is still unclear –

Does this very shameful internal dialogue signal their lack of love and interest in their own partner? Or is completely normal and a part of the human experience?

Theoretically speaking, I think I have raised some interesting points here. Ones that are probably worth further discussion; with ourselves, our partners and in wider society. However, I would be lying if I said that I would be okay with my current boyfriend voicing these thoughts and/or acting on them. I am after all also human, and my ego and confidence would certainly be hurt. But I can’t help but wander what will happen in the future...

As a society, setting our societal standards around a concept that has proven to NOT work, doesn’t make a lot of sense. Many aspects of our current society are built around monogamy: marriage ceremonies, legal marriages, mainstream television and film, criminalization of polygamy and the general unspoken rules around monogamy that inform the majority of individuals’ discourse and actions. Yet, as we have seen over and over again, this may just not work.

This may sound unenthusiastic, and even quite annoying, but I don't have the ultimate solution. Perhaps we might just have to accept the fact that we crave to feel a person’s exclusive love and attention for periods of time that vary in length, maybe we could even classify this as ‘short-term monogamy’; but we can only be so happy and satisfied with one person for only so long? I truly don’t have a universal answer that will solve the mystery of why (long-term) monogamy has not worked, and what might. But I am also certain that only open and honest dialogue about this will get us closer to realistic solutions that will help our love lives be less focused around jealousy and emotional trauma, and more so around fulfilment and long-term happiness.