Moments Before

I sat there circling the rim of my glass watching the legs cascade down the inside. The number four reverberates in my mind. Four years since my last date and four years till 40. This date has to go well. Every failed connection pushes my dreams closer to oblivion.

“I would never have kids in my 40’s. Being an older parent is almost worse than being a mom in your teens.” Gloria’s words echo in my head as I try to keep my heart from beating out of my chest. Her words remind me that I stand alone among my friends, never married and no kids. Every gathering greets me with the usual barrage of questions. Are you seeing anyone? You’re such a great person, why are you still single? You really should put yourself out there more. Have you tried online dating? Their phantasmal pressure has materialized and is ever present.

I breathe deep and take another sip of my merlot, hoping to calm my nerves and silence the questions and doubt I feel before every date. A litany of what if’s, each reaching the conclusion that I am not worthy. Looking down at my phone I notice the time and the scariest what if blares. What if he doesn't show?

I am among the ghosting generation. An entire band of people who embrace the cowardice of ignoring, blocking, or abandoning set plans over honest vulnerability. With a stone in my gut I scroll through my messages. Yup, the restaurant is correct. The time confirmed for 6:30 and no message that he will be late. Then why is there an empty chair at 6:45?

“Would you like another glass?” The waiter's words snap me out of my spiral. “I’m good.” I blanky responded knowing I was anything but.

As the time marches closer to seven, I disable the familiar list of reasons why I find myself ghosted again. Breathing deeply I resolve that it is not meant to be. Now what? Do I leave and release a decade of tears I say aren’t there? Do I give him ten more minutes? A decision that borders grace and desperation. Do I order that second glass of wine and turn this into dinner for one? Blinking rapidly I request my check but before it arrives something catches my eye.

The ease of his stride as he approaches seizes my heart. Clad in black turtleneck and pants that hug all the right places. His smile lays a blanket of tranquility that causes my body to exhale all of its anxiety. The honey colored blazer enhancing his hazel eyes seems to freeze time itself. My mind is at rest. My only desire is to be present with him. In this moment there are no future plans or past expectations, just him and I.

“Good you’re still here. I’m sorry I went to Thomas' downtown. I sat at the bar for ten minutes worried you wouldn’t show before I realized I was at the wrong place. This is where I was meant to be.” His voice was tender and sincere.

“Good evening sir. Can I start you with a glass of wine? Might I suggest the 2018 Brown Estate Merlot.”

“We will take the merlot and we’ll start with dessert.” he says with a wink.

He remembered. With a chuckle and slight grin, I recall the brief encounter that led to this date. “Always start with dessert, it is the best part of the date.” A simple statement among many words yet here they were, my words spilling from his lips.

While waiting for our dessert we run through the typical pleasantries. We speak with such fluidity I begin to lose track of time. In what seems like seconds, a chocolate mousse appears between us. He leans across the table feeding me the most decadent mouthful. His smile reflected mine as if he had taken the bite himself. For hours we tumble effortlessly through conversations. Laughing, debating, and sharing more than my guarded walls had expected. Before I know it the dessert is devoured and the wine is spent. As the night comes to a close I reflect on the moments before he arrived.

I have decided to let go of the societal pressures. Focusing on what could be takes me away from the splendor of the moment. He taught me that tonight. This could be my last first date, or it may be the first good one among many to come. Either way I will not let the moments before rob me of a beautiful night.