Mirrored Vision

I said it, I meant it, and I was right. Still, I wish I had the power to reach into the multi-verse to pull those gut-wrenching words from all of existence because there’s absolutely no way I can make it up to her now; no way I can ever make her feel like she belongs in my world ever again.

Many moons passed before I realized the pain I’ve inflicted on her fragile psyche, but I swear, it wasn’t out of malice; it was a deep-rooted frustration that took over me like a sail in a storm. A frustration so vast, it dates back many years before I even knew her intoxicating presence. Still, when red blinds my vision and guilt clouds my thoughts, my world shifts from bright and contrasted to an unsaturated hellscape. When the scarlet agony consumes me, words spit like venom, leaving my throat coated with red-hot embers even the purest spring waters couldn’t soothe. It isn’t until after the bullets burst forth from my mouth and pierce into her fragile heart that I recognize the damage is also seeping into her soul. She already has unwanted demons fighting for her sanity, and to her, in those moments, it appears I want to join in the fun also. Of course, I don’t. I wouldn’t say I like seeing her in pain, much less keeping her gaping wounds from healing properly. It’s all on my inability to unclench my unresolved traumas, and I recognize this unfortunate fact.

Hell, soon after I met her, my problem became apparent: I swam too deep in her presence like my life was hanging in the balance. I didn’t think I would need to find an escape from the calm sparkling spring glistening before me. Oh no, never did my thoughts dare wander towards how dangerous water can become; how easily you can get swept away by its magnificence.

Her crimson torture was calmer still but flowed deeper into parts of her being that she didn’t have any clue existed. The agony bled through every crevice, eventually taking over her soul like mold in bathroom walls. Like an idiot, I didn’t think to hire a mold inspector; hell, or even think to buy a mold detector to figure out if there was an issue myself. No, I simply added to the growing problem by spraying scalding water on already burned wounds. Just like she won’t ever feel like she belongs beside me in this reality, I won’t ever be able to forgive myself for ruining hers.

My life was still, content, and warm until it wasn’t. I foolishly believed my grasp on the water’s flow was like a map etched in stone, but in an instant, I was blown away by how the waves towered over me. I desperately scampered toward the shore, but the gritty golden sand was uncompromising. With the heels of my feet firmly dug into the easily malleable sands, I sunk into the microcrystals with every step until, without delay, the blood-red waves of her actuality pulled my helpless body further from the shore’s safety. I knew when the sight of the tantalizing shoreline became obscure, my future with her was bleak.

A high-pitched ringing in my head caused me to writhe in pain. I couldn’t breathe as her flaming crimson tossed and turned me like a ragdoll. I was utterly powerless. Bewildered, I tried to break free from the chains that held me down below the surface. I could only get so far before the consequences of my malicious words and disheartening actions gripped my feeble frame so tight, like a python smothering its prey until my lungs gave out against the coils of her torment.

In the end, I couldn’t handle her crimson anguish, so I fought back with my own. That seemed to be the only way to keep me from drowning in hers but little did I know, consequences follow you, and I would only be drowning in my own self-destruction.

To the female version of myself: I never said I could walk on water. What did you expect from me?