Mindset Matters

"Why are you still here? Useless b***h!" he mumbled as he stumbled in the front door.

At that moment, she knew what she had to do. "I'm moving out," she said to herself in a low voice, knowing he wouldn't hear. But he had already gone back out the front door, leaving the door wide open and slamming the gate.

"I can't do this anymore..." her voice was louder this time. "We are getting out of here Rex. Don't you worry." Her dog looked up, but only at the sound of his name. He was used to the chaos too. Being in a relationship with an alcoholic can make you feel crazy. It had been eight years of adoration and praise when sober, followed by stark insults when drunk. He loves me, he loves me not. I need to get off this rollercoaster. Her thoughts were wound in a tight knot from the pit of her stomach to her throat, and up to her brain.

Just then, she heard the gate slam open again. Fuck, he's back. Get up and act like you're doing something. She made it to the sink to wash a dish. He walked over to her, laughing like a child. "Hehehe. Come here. Why're you mad baby?" he reeked of alcohol and bad decisions. "I'm not mad." She lied, knowing it would be worse if she reacted. "You're a bitch! I'm done with you. I can't stand you, don't you get it?" His emotions were always all over the place. She remained calm. "Ok, I'm leaving you, but you have to give me time to get my stuff."

This conversation had happened too many times to count. They owned the house they'd lived in together for the past three years. He'd stay out all night, only God knows where, and she'd cry herself to sleep. He'd come home the next day with a half-hearted apology, claiming to not remember what happened the eve before. She'd tell him how mean he'd been, and he'd belittle her story. "It can't have been that bad!" he'd say, rolling his eyes. "It was bad Bryan. Don't tell me how to feel, you weren't even really there." After her frustration came out with tears, he'd recoil a bit. "I didn't mean that! You know I don't mean that Amber. I'm a piece of shit. I'll stop drinking. I need to stop. I'll stop."

Her anger would dissipate over the next few days as he stopped drinking for an "acceptable" duration of time, dependent upon the weight of the fuck up. Then, the cycle would start again.

Today, it had been two weeks since this happened. Whatever little hope she was holding onto was gone now. She walked around like a zombie in her own home. His acts of love didn't excite her anymore and his insults didn't hurt her. She was numb. As he stumbled out the door for the last time that night, she headed upstairs to pack her things, emotionless.

The next month was like a whirlwind. His apologies fell flat, and he didn't fight much when she told him she was leaving to find inner peace. He'd decided he needed time to himself also, as he didn't like who he was becoming. She acted fast. Amidst the pandemic, for the first time in her life she was able to work from home, which made the transition to another city easier. She didn't have much money saved, but being paid while working remotely provided her with a safety net she'd never had before. She found an apartment in Los Angeles, California, where dreams were made. Amber Brown had finally escaped the cycle.

Unpacking was long and tiresome. Her studio apartment was too small for the stuff she'd acquired in the house she had left behind. She found herself stepping over boxes, and on the verge of exhaustion she stubbed her toe. She kicked the box she stubbed her toe on for revenge. She laughed at herself, and decided to stop procrastinating and unpack the damn thing. Inside, she found old school report cards, pictures from high school, and hand-written notes from friends. Underneath a stack of papers was a mysterious black notebook. What is this? "Moleskine," she read. It must be Bryan's...but how did it get in MY memorabilia box?

Curiosity often distracted Amber from the task at hand. She found herself sitting on the floor now, thumbing through the pages of the small, black notebook. It was mostly blank inside, but there was writing on one page that read:

"The problem with being empathetic is you feel sorry for assholes too."

Wow, how accurate...she thought. Intrigued, she turned a few more pages and found a handwritten letter addressed to her and dated just over 10 years ago.

June 2010

Hiiii Amber,

You know I love surprising you and I know you love surprises. I can't believe today is the day we graduate high school. Crazy right?! I am going to miss seeing that smile every day. You told me you love writing, so here is a new journal for you to write all your deepest, darkest, most special moments in while you're discovering yourself in college. I know you are going to thrive in college.

She paused. College is where she and Bryan met. It felt like a lifetime ago.

You are so smart and talented. Don't fall for assholes, like you always do. You deserve someone who will give you attention like I do. Ha! I know we didn't have much time together, and now we are going our separate ways. I hope our paths cross again because...I kinda, sorta, like like you a lot. I think I could love you if only we had time to let it unfold. I hope you don't see this right away. I am going to slip it in your room at your little going away shin-dig on Friday night. I don't know why I couldn't tell you this in person. Call me when you read this.

Do you like me too? Circle one:

Yes

No

HAHA

Love, Alan

Alan Jacobs was one of her best friends senior year. They had several classes together and hit it off. She had a little crush on him back then, but her sights were always set on dating jerks, like he said. Ugh. Maybe if I had seen this back then, I wouldn't have fallen for Bryan's fake charms. Amber knew she was not in a place to be romantically involved with anyone, and probably wouldn't be for a long time. "I have too much healing to do, right Rex?" Rex had just climbed onto her lap. Pets have a way to sense our sadness and appear just when we need them. "Hey buddy," she said, "I think it's time for bed."

Amber climbed into bed and turned on her positive affirmation recording to fall asleep to. Even though she was much more at peace in her new apartment than she was in her home with Bryan, she suffered from bouts of anxiety since leaving. Hell, her heart was broken and she felt alone in the world. But, in true Amber fashion, she was determined to overcome the depression that had overcome her. So, she was using affirmations to reprogram her thoughts in an attempt to manifest the best new life for herself possible.

I am loved. I am love. I am healthy. I am whole. I am rich. I am free to give. Money is abundant in my life. I am strong. I am powerful. I am worthy of all good things that come to me.

Monday morning came soon enough and Amber was on a job hunt. She had disclosed her move to her current job, and they had to let her go as they needed someone who would return to work in-person once the pandemic ended. She grabbed her coffee and sat down at her computer to search for work, but she couldn't stop thinking about the notebook and letter from Alan. Give me a sign. Let the work I am meant for come to me. She decided to type in Alan's name into the search bar instead.

ALAN JACOBS

Founder of APPTASTIC App. Developers Group!

232 Cedars Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 92092

Alan runs a business? He lives in LA? What are the odds? Something was pulling her to go see this place. "It can't hurt, right Rex?" Once in her car, Amber repeated her affirmations. She tried to say them several times a day for maximum effect.

I am loved. I am love. I am healthy. I am whole. I am rich. I am free to give. Money is abundant in my life. I am strong. I am powerful. I am worthy of all good things that come to me.

She pulled up to the building and was surprised to see a young guy running toward her car. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with green lettering that said, "Have an APPTASTIC Day!" His Covid-19 protective mask matched his shirt.

"Hello Miss. Need valet?" he asked.

"What? Oh yes! Wow its my lucky day, valet parking in LA! Thank you so much!"

As Amber walked up to the building's automatic doors, she couldn't shake this tingly feeling she had throughout her body. A chipper woman in a similar T-shirt and matching mask excitedly greeted her at the door. "Hi, you aren't going to believe this, but we are doing a giveaway and you are the 20th person to enter the building today." A siren went off and several people in different colored APPTASTIC T-shirts ran over to her. Some of them were clapping while others, in regular clothing, looked curious.

Then she saw him...Alan. He was walking toward her carrying an oversized check. There was a man with a professional video camera filming in front of him. The camera man pointed the camera at her.

"Hello Ma'am! As the founder of APPTASTIC, I would like you to know it is your lucky day! You've won $20,000! It's part of our Summer Surprise Series! Would you mind posing for a picture? Here, grab the other side of the check."

The employees gathered around, giving enthusiastic thumbs ups, while laughing and talking behind their matching masks. Shaking, Amber held the other side of the check and managed to pose for the picture.

"I would love for you to stop by my office so I can interview you for our video series if you have a few moments?" Alan asked.

She followed him down a wide hall, through a glass door, and sat down on a big white leather sofa, far from his desk. She lowered her mask for a quick breath of air. She felt warm. "Is this for real?" she panted.

"Wait, Amber? Amber Brown? With all the commotion I didn't recognize you! What are you doing here? I mean, it is so good to see you!"

Her eyes darted to his desk where she saw a picture of Alan, his beautiful wife, and their daughter. She noticed a wedding ring on his left hand.

"The other day I found the Moleskine notebook you left me and I asked for a sign from the universe because I just moved here...and I'm looking for a job and what the fuck just happened?"

"It is really great to see you Amber. The $20,000 dollars is for real. We are running a campaign to get more foot traffic and attention here. You know I love the element of surprise..."

As Amber skipped out of the building $20,000 richer, suddenly everything made sense. She had made the right choice in putting herself first. Her life felt like the mysterious blank notebook, and the pages were hers to fill.

I am worthy of all good things that come to me.

The End