Chapter 1: Not a leap of faith but jumping to my death
I just got confirmation that this was supposed to happen. Like why? Why can't I go. What do you want me to do now? I don't know who I am more upset with. Intu, my son's grandmother, or myself.
He is doing so much for me. Yea, I'd like to believe that this is going to end very soon but, Intu keeps telling me.
"You have suffered long enough and you are still suffering."
It's an active argument we always have.
"What are you doing?" I say
"I am doing what's best for you" she says.
"How are you doing this, what are you doing?" I cry.
"Sweetie, You have so much happiness coming your way."
"How can you say that? I have a job and I need more opportunities, You are trying to convince me that I am supposed to continue with this guy who is in jail, and that he is going to make me happy and take all my stress away. Do you know how stupid that sounds! That is impossible! What is wrong with you? You are going to put me in a fucked up situation! I m scared and you are putting me in a horrible situation. I don't want to get hurt again. I am not ready to die. Im not finished with my mission. I have a son to take care of! I have to do what's best for him. He is the reason I am still here. I can't just uproot him and move him to another state! I can't risk losing him. Why are you doing this? I don't know what to do! I just want to take care of my son. I want him to be safe, I want to be safe, I don't want to do this, I'm scared, I don't have anyone down there—that is not going to be good."
"You will have everything you need if you just trust me. I have gotten you this far. You know this. I have never let you down. I need you to trust me. I know it's hard, but you just have to trust me. I can't tell you what's going to happen, because I don't know yet but we have made it together. I am here for you, I have always had your best interest at heart. You are hurt. I can't let you continue to suffer anymore, you are growing weaker, and it's really important that you trust me on this one. I know it's hard and Exte's is really in your face right now, but just go sit alone, relax, close your eyes so we can do this together. I really, really, really need you to trust me. Can you please trust me?"
"What if I make a mistake? I'm scared intu! Im so scared!"
"I know, Kai, Trust my words that I love you, and I got you."
Juene and Intu's voice spoke in unison for the severity of that statement.
"Why did you just do that? Can you leave Juene out of this?"
"I have no choice but to include him, if I don't include him we can't save you."
"I hate going in this blind sided."
"You are not blind, You have your vision, You have me and we are going to do this together. Please take my hand, let go, and come with me. I promise everything will be ok."
With all my strength, pain, and doubt, I let go, and let Intu guide me the rest of the way.
I heard the loud screeching of my phone ringing. It was like a piercing group of cats mimicking an old telephone. Startled the fuck out of me. It was Juene. I picked up and heard noise in the background. I was close to getting irritated until I heard his voice.
It was soft, smooth, and covered my entire body with every word he spoke, as if I was drowning in a beautiful chocolate river.
I felt the strong sincerity in his voice. I don't understand this power he has over me, as if he walked up behind me, grabbed my side, slid his hand across my torso, gently pulling me closer. His left arm relaxed on mine, our fingers marrying together.
"Hi, what you doing?" I am barely coming to the surface after almost left breathless.
"Did you get it?" he was asking me about the money that he sent me earlier that is still sitting in my cash app account. I didn't accept it for a multiple amount of reasons, but I only told him one of those reasons.
"Yea, I did, but I left it in there because I have nowhere to put it." I didn't tell him about my straddling bank account that was already closed. Like everything else, I just didn't make a big deal about it. The debt of my life was piling up with every breath I took.
"I wish you had of told me that before I sent it so I could have used another way to pay you, I could have sent it through western union." I couldn't even breathe, his concern worried me so bad.
"It's not serving any purpose just sitting there. It's not something that needs to just sit there when you need that now."
He wasn't yelling at me, but I really couldn't help but feel like he snatched my soul and my heart out of my body with the way he scolded me.
"You need to communicate with me so things can go accordingly. That ain't shit. I was going to send you some more, I'm glad you told me. Money is very important to me."
He stresses that a lot, money is of no value to me, because I am always without it, and with my experience of having it, it caused me nothing but problems. People treat it like it's life, I can't blame them. The government dangles it over our heads like we are some people they can just bully around and take advantage of. Unfortunately, they are doing a great job at it.
He was different, even though he knew money is a requirement, he didn't make it a requirement, more so a need that can be easily given if HE really cares.
Well, he cares about me a lot. I can't think of a single thing that I could have done to deserve this, but after my conversation with Intu, she explained it all, I find it still hard to believe.
"Look, I gotta go workout. Let me know what you decide to do with it so we can go from there. Ima call you later. Ok?"
"Ok," I responded as if I was vomiting up my heart.
"I love you." It's like he read my mind, and felt my desire for him to tell me that. It was as if I pulled it out of him without saying a word. That shit was scary.
"I love you, too." How did he know what I was feeling?