Merlot Mishaps

“I think I should cancel” I say whilst pacing back and forth in my room that looks more like a very messy wardrobe.

“No! its too late now Libby, and plus, you’re supposed to meet her in like 30 minutes” Ayra reasons from the pile of clothes she’s made into her seat.

“listen…you’ve been talking to her for a while now, it’ll be fine.’

She’s right. Okay, I’ve got this. whilst my stomach is doing backflips, I manage to calm myself enough to start trying on and picking out outfits.

“okay, what about this jumpsuit?” I ask, “classy right?”

“yeah…maybe for a different occasion.”

She makes her way to the wardrobe, only a few items left in it and picks out a white, flowy spring dress. The one she gifted me a few months ago after seeing me check it out in the shop.

“now this dress...this always looks beautiful on you” Ayra says with a quiet smile. Ayra and I have been friends ever since our mishap of a presentation in our first year of university. 5 years down the line and we are closer than ever. From problematic family to figuring out our identities and love lives, she has been a constant. Maybe it’s the length of our friendship that lets me know when she’s deep in thought.

“go on…what are you thinking?”

“who said I was thinking anything?”

“come on Ayra, you being quiet for more than 2 minutes is kind of worrying” I say jokingly, but also maybe to ease her. Reluctantly, she does. She’s never been one to be good with vulnerability, but we balance each other out that way.

“well, I was just thinking…do you think this could lead to something serious?” a glimpse of worry or sadness crosses her face and is gone too quick for me to decipher.

“I can’t really say... I mean this is the first date...why? do you think I’ll abandon you because you’ll always be number 1” I say laughing, I don’t know why I feel like using humour to lighten the mood. Maybe I’m feeling weird about how she asked the question. It’s a normal question after all. But why the sadness?

“no not that of course not no but it’s just well I just haven’t seen you this nervous for anything else” Ayra stumbles out, whilst kind of getting flushed. I don’t want to draw attention to it so I ignore it but it never quite leaves my mind.

“you know why, it is my first actual date with a girl, I guess I’m just nervous on how it will go in real life, she might not be my first crush on a girl but she’s the first I’ve actually asked out.”

I fidget slightly trying to hasten what I’ve said. Although Ayra and I practically know everything about each other, she is also, unbeknownst to her, the reason I began to question my sexuality and began to realise, maybe I wasn’t as straight I thought I was. This obviously freaked me out, so I never told her and decided to console my sister, who advised me to never mention it as it could lead to a very awkward end of a friendship that meant a lot to me. So I never did. Even when she came out as gay to me. By that time, the questioning fuelled by my small crush on her turned into me realising I was bisexual. But this friendship was more important so bye feelings.

“oh, so who was your first crush?” she pokes around curiously. Now its my time to get flustered and I quickly make out a humorous “none of your business” before changing the conversation all together.

“shit, I should get going. Hang out after?” I say grabbing my wallet placing my belongings in a little black bag that goes perfect with the dress.

“yes defo, I’ll have drinks ready...Libby?”

“Yes?” I turn around to a perplexed looking Ayra not knowing how to say what she’s thinking which actually starts to make me worry this time.

“erm… you know what… never mind, have fun!” she shakes herself and approaches me for a lingering hug. now I’m the one that doesn’t know how to act as I stutter out a bye and leave. Weirdly awkward is an understatement of what just happened so I quickly send a message to her

Me: Weirdo :’) see you later!

After 5 minutes of typing and deleting she finally responds

Ayra: see you <3

Odd.

I finally reach the restaurant Esra chose. The nerves I had have managed to disappear, maybe because I’m busy thinking about Ayra’s weird behaviour. Making my way in I’m welcomed by the comforting smell of freshly baked pizzas and the lingering aroma of Italian cuisine. After giving my name I’m led to our seat and I’m greeted by her. Wow, she looks stunning.

“Hey! Sorry I’m late, aren’t I?” I begin. She gets up and comes in for a hug.

“Hey, no worries I’ve not been here for long” she says smiling. I didn’t know someone could be even more beautiful in real life. Online dating is and connecting with each other on social media is one thing, but nothing is better than meeting in real life.

Small talk ensues and the laughter fills the air surrounding us. Even though we’ve been speaking online for a couple of months now, I find out more in a 5-minute talk with her. Her confidence eases me into a natural flow of conversation, and I feel my remaining nerves completely fade away. After making my order, which I already planned out after a quick browse of the online menu before getting here, I make it when she recommends getting a bottle of red wine to accompany our food.

“Merlot is my favourite” I smile, that’s Ayra’s favourite too.

“Is that good with you?” she continues when I don’t say anything.

“yes, of course!”

We continue chatting away whilst our food is being prepared when our bottle arrives. I never know what to do when they pour the first glass for you, so I just smile at Esra, who is just looking at me, maybe trying to figure out what I’m thinking.

“if I’m being honest, I was a bit nervous at the start, it’s always different meeting in real life” she says after a moment.

“Are you kidding? You’ve made me feel so at ease, I was shitting myself!”

“you did that for me! For what it’s worth, I’m glad we’ve finally met up” she picks up her glass.

“Cheers, to new beginnings, maybe?”

I let out a chuckle.

“cheers”

At this moment, like knowing what was going on, my phone pings with a notification from Ayra.

Ayra: I know this isn’t the right time to say this at all but… I think I like you... more than friends, can we talk please?

My grip of the glass falters ever so slightly sending the content of the glass all over the table and splashing a bit on the top of my dress. Great!

“is everything okay?” Esra begins. Slightly concerned about what could’ve warranted that reaction.

I scramble around

“omg Sorry! I don’t know what happened let me get some paper” I say whilst trying my hardest to not knock over anything else.

Whilst I try getting the obvious stain out with some water, I realise its just not going to cut it. So, I just focus on getting myself together. What was that message? What do I do now? Feelings from the past come rushing back and in an instant, I’m taken back to the time I had my forbidden crush. All the days Ayra made it her mission to make me feel special and my feelings blurred. The sleepovers we spent talking about anything and everything and I realised she was my safe space. The time I decided to get over it. Going back to this date seems very different now.

I go back with scrunched up tissue to try salvaging the table.

“I’m really sorry about that, didn’t think I’d be clumsy today” I say trying to make the whole situation lighter.

“that’s okay, the message must’ve thrown you off, is everything okay?” she comforts.

“you could say that, yeah. Everything is good just my friend going through something.” A bit of a white lie, but not far from the truth.

The rest of the date goes smoothly but I can’t stop thinking about the message. I think Esra could sense my wandering mind at the end.

“Well, I had a really nice time Libby, maybe we could do it again sometime?”

“I had a good time too, without the merlot next time” I say smiling.

“I’ll remember that for next time”

…

Finally, on Ayra’s street and I don’t know how this is going to go. I know my nerves for the date were ridiculous but how am I this nervous for my best friend? The pink stain has dried, and I can’t even cover it with my light jacket. After the message, I didn’t reply, maybe because I didn’t want to be rude on my phone earlier, maybe because I didn’t know how to reply over text. So, I decided to just come to her house.

After one knock, I hear her making her way to the door.

“look what you made me do!” pointing at the stain on the dress.

She looks flustered and welcomes me in.

“sorry, I don’t know why I messaged then I wanted to say something before but you were getting ready and you were- “

I cut her nervous rambling off as I reach out for a kiss. Unexpected from me and shock from both of us as we ease into it.

“you have horrible timing Ayra” I say pulling away, slowly realising what just happened.

“yeah, I’ve never been good with timing” she says blushing and making her way to the kitchen. What does any of this mean?

“you know I don’t want to lose you right?”

“yes, I know me too, we’ll figure it out” she says from the kitchen.

She comes back with two glasses of Merlot.

“to make this easier” she nods to the glasses. I chuckle. Hopefully I don’t make a mess this time.