Merlot Memories

Swish Swish Swish. She watched the red liquid swirl around the glass, getting dangerously close to the top, a drop actually spilling out. She watched the drop land on the hardwood floors, lightly bouncing up in several tinier droplets, only to end in a solo puddle. It was one of the things that can fall apart but end up whole in the end, a feat she wasn’t certain of for herself.

She took a deep breath, sighed, and then took a sip of her merlot. Aw merlot, the smoky scent and jammy taste instantly took her back to the beginning. The first date.

It was the first year of college when he had spotted her across the classroom. They were in the same general education course--intro to electrical engineering. Neither of the two wound up in engineering, but a spark certainly went off. For him.

He would pass her notes of humor about the professor, observations of the classroom, and admiration of her. She wasn’t so impressed, until she learned who he was, the family he came from. After about a month of distracting overtures, she agreed to a date with him. He was the heir of a small investment chain, and likely didn’t need to focus on school. She did need to focus, though, and figured agreeing to go out with him would be the only way she could pay attention to her studies.

He was handsome and so young. Too young to purchase the bottle of merlot he had brought for them on this hike. “My parents bought this vineyard as a tax write off,” he explained, doing his best to sound intelligent and worthy of her affection. While she wasn’t interested in a guy for his money, a part of her couldn’t help but to be curious what having that sort of abundance would feel like. This curiosity loosened her guard a bit, just enough to give them the vulnerability needed to connect on a first date.

He opened the bottle, and poured them hearty helpings in two of those ridiculous red plastic cups. It didn’t do the flavor any justice, not like the wide-mouthed crystal glass she was drinking from now. But it worked. That afternoon, they hiked a good 3 miles and ended up at a small swimming hole. They had gone through half a bottle by the time they got there. The sun was beaming down, but it was only 55 degrees out, not quite warm enough for a swim. So he reached into his backpack, laid out a blanket and they sat by the water. She did not expect this level of planning from him. She half expected him to run into the water in his boxers, his pale skin reflecting beads of water, him dragging her in with him. Rather, this planning showed her he was capable of respect, and empathy. She could believe in his humanity.

She could breath. He made good company, and only proved further so as the day progressed on. He alternated between stories about his childhood, and asking her questions deep enough to make her feel interesting. They talked about their dreams, leading to a discussion of shared passion: both wanted to help the world by volunteering overseas.They both felt so fortunate to have been raised in a free state, that they could not stand the indignity they learned was happening around the world. This shared passion solidified a spark for them. While from contrasting backgrounds, they were both humanitarians, wishing to do their best for this world. They could see eye to eye. This connection felt deep, not something forged by a little liquid courage.

It wasn’t long after graduation that they exchanged nuptials on his family’s vineyard, where they were given this bottle of merlot she was now drinking on her own. It was supposed to be like the top of a wedding cake, enjoyed together on their 10 year anniversary. It was the same wine they enjoyed on the day she realized he was more than just a rich boy, when they realized their connection, and silently promised each other a life of altruism and love. Had she listened to her initial instincts, she wouldn’t be sitting here alone, learning of all the moments of betrayal he had given her over the five years of volunteering overseas. She learned what abundance felt like, and what kind of people can form if given too much. Learning that financial abundance isn’t all that it is cracked up to be, she felt broken. While he betrayed her, she felt more betrayed by the lie she fed herself that life would be easier if she just had more. What a bitter taste, that of self betrayal.

Another sigh. She took off her diamond ring and placed it on his empty pillow. No tears streamed down her cheeks as she counted her blessings that she was still young and had an education. And for what it was worth, as she packed her bags to bid their home goodbye, at least this wine would leave a sweet taste in her mouth. Maybe she could walk away whole, like the droplet she’d leave behind on the floor.