mer·lot·ious:

“Mr. LaFrance.” Her sultry voice calls. “They’re ready for you.”

I follow the statuesque bombshell down this lonely hallway to a door inscribed with the word ‘Groomsmen’. She opens the door and closes it behind me. Two extraordinarily dressed men in suits sit before me on thrones. I know I am paying top dollar for their services, but this is intimidating.

“Mr. LaFrance,” One voice spouts. “Are you ready for your endeavor?”

“Yes,” I respond hesitantly.

“I’m Richard.”

“And I’m Joe.”

Their warm handshakes relax me.

“Please, have a seat,” Joe requests.

I sit in front of them anxiously awaiting their next move.

“Reed LaFrance,” Richard says my whole name. “You have reached your final stage. You came to us in search of your soulmate, and we are delighted to inform you that after all the arduous tests you’ve endured, we have finally found your match. Welcome to the Gentlemen’s Club,” they speak simultaneously.

“Now, I know what you’re thinking,” Joe says. “Could we have possibly found the person you are prepared to spend the rest of your life with, in such little time?”

“That is exactly what we’re telling you,” Richard continues. “Marriage may not be for everyone, but we believe LOVE is for everyone. We’re experts in all things LOVE. Everything is designed with you in mind. We have in-house experts who evaluate and test the complexities of male/female relationships so that we can deliver your soulmate right to your door…so to speak. But the question is…are you ready to meet your Lady Love?”

“Yes. I’m so ready! When do I get to meet my queen?”

“Do you know what room you’re in?” Richard asks.

“Umm, the sign on the door says groomsmen. Why? Am I getting married?” I ask with an uncomfortable giggle. The silence now awakens the butterflies in my stomach.

“No,” Richard answers.

“Whoo!” I sigh. “Thank goodness. You gentlemen had me going for a second.” I laugh.

“But, you are meeting her at 7 pm sharp,” Richard quickly rebuts.

My amusement comes to a halt. “Wait! Is sharp a code word for in a few days?”

Their stoic looks answer my question. “It’s almost three o’clock now. I need a haircut, a nice suit, some shoes. I’m never going to be ready in time.”

They interrupt my grievances as if I’m a whining toddler.

“You are in the groomsmen suite,” Joe says while pressing a small button on the table.

Four people walk in similarly dressed in black.

“This is the team that is transforming you from Reed LaFrance, the IT specialist, to Reed LaFrance, the Greek God,” Joe asserts. “I will go through this quickly. You will receive a 30-minute hot stone massage to relax your tense muscles. You will shower. Then, you’ll receive a manicure and pedicure, followed by a haircut and facial. Your tailored suit and spit-shined shoes are already waiting for you.”

“Follow me,” one of the team members beckon.

Exactly four hours later, I am back in the groomsmen suite. The colossal mirror reflects a 6-foot-2 magnificent work of art if I should say so myself. I’m getting seasick from the waves in my hair. My beard and mustache are flawlessly lined. My midnight blue tux is fit to perfection. The black lapels elegantly sporting a black boutonniere and this black bow tie has me speechless. And the icing on the cake, they have me rocking 18 karat gold cufflinks and a pair of 12 and a half Christian Loubs. Now, the only thing left to do is meet the love of my life.

Richard and Joe reenter the room with proud father smirks.

“Mr. LaFrance,” Joe speaks. “We told you from day one we specialize in results. You don’t pay us to set you up with just any woman. We find THE woman for you. We don’t bring you through such a rigorous process to connect you with just a big butt and a smile. We’re not like those dating apps that just ask your age, height, and love language. We have a 99 percent success rate and the one percent that aren’t successful is because they lied about something during the screening process. However, we’re not going to just hand her to you. We want to see if you can find your soulmate when she’s staring you right in the face. If so, we will send the happy couple on their first date.”

“Wait! So, there’s a possibility that I’ll leave here alone? I’m confused. Y’all did all of this knowing that it may be for nothing. I must be in the twilight zone. Who does this?”

My concerns seem to go through one ear and out of the other.

“You will be escorted to the penthouse on the 50th floor,” Richard explains. “You will be given a red envelope that will contain a message that will lead you to the woman of your dreams. You must pay close attention to everything.”

The same bombshell escorts me to the top floor, then hands me an envelope.

“Good luck,” she says as the elevator doors close behind me.

Goosebumps spread like wildfires when I enter the penthouse. I’ve stepped into the Garden of Eden. Right here, before my eyes, are ten gorgeous women, all dressed in evening gowns. Each of them in their own little space beaming like they want to take me home. For a second, I forget I have an envelope in my hand. I open it and in bold letters, the card reads…

You can only ask three questions. The process of elimination will allow you to narrow it down to three ladies. If you play your cards right, one of those three ladies will be your soulmate. Think long and hard about the questions you will ask. You only get three shots. Your clue is…Merlot.

Merlot, that's a bottle of wine. What kind of clue is that? I stand before all of them sweating but trying to remain cool. I had never been in a room full of beautiful women vying for my attention.

“Good evening ladies. I’m Reed LaFrance and I’m told that my soulmate is in this room. I get three opportunities to figure out who you are. I’m a confident man and I am certain I will find you. You all look beautiful.”

Each woman sits alone at a table for two. I figure I need to ask one question that will get rid of seven of the women at the same time. I notice each of them have a drink on their table, but only three of the ladies have red wine in their glasses. Merlot typically comes in red, which leads me to ask my first question.

“Are you drinking a glass of red wine?”

I watch one by one those who were not drinking red wine leave the penthouse. My heart pounds hoping I made the right decision. The last lady to exit the penthouse congratulates me on getting one step closer to my soulmate.

“Yes,” I praise myself. Three ladies left and one is my soulmate. I have two questions left to ask, so I better take my time. I read the card again.

I mumble trying to decipher the hidden message. I study the card and look at each lady. Then, I look at their drinks again. I think I know my second question.

“Ladies, there are three of you left and I believe I’m about to eliminate one more. My question is for you,” I point. “How many glasses of wine have you drank tonight?”

She looks deep into my eyes and deviously answers, “three.”

I smile, introducing them to my dimples, as the provocatively dressed woman gets up and leaves.

“Congratulations,” she says, “you’re one step closer to meeting your soulmate.”

She was the only one of the three drinking red wine from a shot glass. The card says I get three shots to find my soulmate. So, all I had to do is find out how many shots she had taken.

“Now, it’s just me and the last two ladies.”

I gently take their hands and seat them at the same table. I sit across from them so I can look them both in the eyes. I think if I look into their eyes, I will know. For seconds, I just gaze. I’m being pulled in one direction more than the other, but I’m too afraid to listen to my gut. There is too much at stake to just ignore the Merlot clue. Maybe I’m supposed to figure out which one is drinking Merlot. That must be it. One of those glasses of red wine contains Merlot. Maybe it’s just that simple. Surely, they’re not basing my fate on who was drinking a glass of Merlot.

I sit there for a few moments with a huge lump in my throat. Both women donning poker faces. I decide to step out on faith and ask my final question. “This question is for both of you.” I take a deep breath and ask…

“What is your favorite alcoholic drink?”

My stomach drops like a rollercoaster when they reveal their answers. The gorgeous woman on my left says…

“My favorite drink is Ace of Spades champagne.”

I knew it, I say to myself. The gorgeous woman to my right with the deep topaz eyes, voluptuous lips, and cheekbones as high as Mount Everest is my soulmate. I knew it when I walked into the room. We locked eyes and I knew she was the one. And then, she reveals…

“My favorite drink is Ketel One vodka.”

“What?” My smile falls like an avalanche. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. She is supposed to say Merlot. My soulmate’s favorite drink is Merlot. I just asked my final question. So, how am I going to figure out who’s my real soulmate…by playing rock, paper, scissors? Okay, think Reed. You can do this. You didn’t come this far to fail. Your soulmate is sitting in front of you. So, choose! I look at the card one last time. I read it word for word, repeating the message in my head over and over again. And then, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I clear my throat and begin to speak.

“I’ve been looking for you all my life. They said you would be staring me right in the face. And here we are.”

I take the hand of the woman on my right, and with no hesitation, I lean in and gently kiss my soulmate’s lips. The other woman unobtrusively leaves the penthouse.

“How did you know?” my soulmate asks.

“She said her favorite drink is Ace of Spades champagne,” I explain while showing her what is written on the card.

“Clever,” she responds reading the words…If you play your cards right. “Ace of spades is in a deck of cards,” she says having an aha moment.

“Exactly,” I pat myself on the back. “Just as a bonus…most people swipe right when they like someone. You were on my right.”

She smiles and says, “Ya know, there is one question that you could’ve asked first that would’ve led you to me immediately.”

“What could I have asked that would have eliminated nine women at the same time?”

“It’s the one question people ask when they first meet?”

I sit there totally clueless. “What question is that?”

She puts her hands on my cheeks and says…

“Hi, my name is Merlot.”