Memories and Solace

February 10

"Heyy."

"Sup?"

"You ok?"

"I'm worried about you. Call me back."

I scrolled my phone again and again. It's been one month, twenty-four days to be exact. This is our latest text, well, I guess not ours, only mine. The all-read-only texts that make me uneasy.

I analyzed our chat over and over, trying to find a glitch or maybe a clue on something wrong I've done. I was so worried about him though I feel like not going to text him anymore. My best friend forbids me to text or calls him, but to ignore all these feelings inside me is just too much.

I want to text him. To hear his voice. To hold his hand again. To kiss him. Well, I just have to wait. One more day.

I took a deep breath, poured a glass of merlot, continued to scroll and re-read our chats as I let my mind travel far, to our first date.

December 31

It was the coldest day in the season. I just had an amazing dinner with this guy, and not sure why I let myself tailed him to his place. His eyes, dark and deep, drowned me in his gaze. His smell, classic woody perfume with a subtle floral touch, led me into the forest, warm and calm.

"Merlot?" his crisp voice interrupted my reverie. I nodded. A sweet and smooth red wine, something I never really liked before.

"You like it?" he asked. His arms wrapped around me. I nodded, again.

"I am not a wine drinker but this is really nice," I said. He chuckled.

"You need more of this since your job is pretty stressful, you will enjoy its companion," he said with absolute certainty. And I nodded again. This man really knows how to crack a joke, give a piece of great advice, and be flirty at the same time. I never expect that my thumb can help so much by swiping right and now I found this perfect man.

"Oh tell me about a stressful job, Captain, I bet you deal with them more," I tried to be as flirty as him. He laughed, I can see some colours rising on his cheeks.

"But I think I have found a better companion," he looked me in the eyes and kissed me slowly. My heart was beating fast, oh, how I miss being so adored like this.

"Happy New Year, beautiful."

.

.

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History of chats - January 4

"What do you want for your birthday?" I sent this text while strolling at the mall for hours.

"Right, I didn't realize it's next week! Nah, I don't need any, lol. You are the cutest."

"Oh come on, such a Capricorn, work too much and forgetting days! I will get you a surprise!"

"Damn you got me! Does being a Capricorn mean something bad? I hope it's not! Ok gotta go, another flight to catch! xx" said him.

.

Suddenly I felt enlightened. I reopened my google search about 'how to understand a Capricorn man', 'how to make a Capricorn loves you', and 'Capricorn men traits when in love'. Maybe he is just being a Capricorn, you know? They are famous to be a little awkward when they know they're in love, so he will be back to me soon. Articles after articles, one forum to another.

I bit my lips. Probably not, my brother is a Capricorn and he's not anything like that.

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History of chats - January 14

"Are you alright? I hope you have a good day after last night." I started to worry about him since he was so drunk last night at the party with his co-workers. I remembered that he didn't reply to my text in hours.

"Hey, yeah, I'm good, just had a rough night. I still need my sleep. I have had this headache since last week. So does my back pain. Hope you have a good day too." That was his last text that day.

.

What if he is sick? What if he is in a coma and nobody could let me know? My heart is full of anxieties. Again, I googled so many things, trying to diagnose what might have happened to him. My mind is in a big mess. Tears fell again for the umpteenth time. I prayed that God will keep him safe.

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History of chats - January 17

"Happy birthday love! I really miss you, let me know if you are free tonight maybe we can have steak and merlot at your place? I have a surprise for you, birthday boy!"

"Hey, thank you so much! I am sorry I won't be in town tonight, there is another sudden flight I need to catch. I'm sorry."

.

My tears dropped on the screen and made it blurry. I'm scared to death thinking about stuff that could happen to him as a pilot. What if he is dead? It sounds crazy but I searched all over the news to see if there is any force majeure. I checked his social media, nobody said anything on his last post. If he's dead, there should be 'RIP' comments all over his posts, right?

My body was shaking and my chest hurt so much. Looked like I lost someone that I have never even had. Then there was a soft whisper in my ear:

Or, maybe he just doesn't care anymore?

I closed my eyes, repeated the truth and not denying it. I was too petrified to accept the fact and let him go, but I think I'm ready now.

I poured out the last bit of my merlot. The dark red-coloured liquid filled my throat with memory and solace at the same time.

Suddenly a beautiful and warm fog covers my heart, I feel at peace, something that I long for so long.

February, 10.