Me, Ellen, and the Girl I Wish I Never Liked

May 28, 2015: A day I just can't forget no matter what. I was on the floor with a hole in my chest surrounded by people who got the same news as me except I wasn't happy, so I look at the ceiling hoping that I'll wake up from this nightmare but I'm still awake and this pain is the only thing I have right now....

A few weeks before May 28, I was in a play and it had been about six months after I briefly dated someone that wasn't ready for a relationship. I had someone that kept me a lot of company. Sofia... she was cute, wore a lot of layers of clothing, but under those layers was a body that was scorching hotter than the sun, and she shared the same humor as me except it was a little more extreme sometimes. Sofia and I were in the same play and I always fall under the curse of catching feelings for a cast mate who I clearly have no shot with.

There's another girl who is important to this story, Ellen. Now Sofia was bi but I didn't care. We just screwed around a lot since Sofia was very touchy feely. Basically, we cuddled and all but it wouldn't be anything serious plus we didn't kiss or anything.... Well, at least not yet. Anyway, Ellen is a good friend of mine and she was lesbian. When we were hanging out a lot and before we got in the play, Sofia and Ellen were noticeably getting closer, like you could tell they were spending a lot of time together while rehearsals weren't happening.

What made things worse was that I knew I was catching feelings for Sofia so I did what was best for me and stayed away from her on that level because it never goes well for me. After a while, the curse kicks in and I'm doing my best to stay away but I couldn't resist. At some point, I even talked to her about my feelings for her and HOLY CRAP, I REGRET THAT!!!!

So after I told her my feelings for her, we ended up "testing the waters" with each other but I call it a complete waste of time or total bullshitting. Anyway, the more that time went on, the closer that Sofia and Ellen were getting and I knew that Sofia and I wouldn't be together so a dress tech rehearsal happened and it was a long day. We ended up starting at 9 AM to about 2:30 PM or 3. After leaving, we went to a mutual friend's place. It was me, Sofia, Ellen, and a few of our other friends who were probably completely oblivious to what was going on with me because they were too focused on Sofia and Ellen and the idea of them being a couple but not only was I there to hang out, I was also there to break it off with Sofia because I knew things weren't gonna work between us on that level.

So when we got to our friend's place, Ellen had to take a shower and I was getting ready to break it off with Sofia but she ended up going in the shower with Ellen. My mind was racing at that point. I honestly didn't know what to do so I just hung out with friends but I was still having pictures of Sofia and Ellen together the longer the shower was on. After they finally get out (I still remember what they were wearing), Sofia was wearing a pair of jeans with a bra and Ellen's flannel but it was unbuttoned while Ellen wore a tank top with pajama bottoms... They were in the kitchen right behind me, making out and sharing a cup of rum. It got so bad for me, I had to fake a reason for leaving. I ended up walking about nine miles that day!

During the walk, I had so many feelings. It was like a roller coaster that just wouldn't stop. I was sad, angry, confused, and a bit in denial too because I really couldn't believe that it was happening but in the middle of the walk, I had to come to the conclusion that I had to break it off with Sofia ASAP.

The next day, I tried to break it off but I couldn't find the words unfortunately. Later in the day, we hung out again except instead of her making out with only Ellen, she makes out with me too so in that moment, the curse was in full effect. I became naive and I thought, "Maybe Sofia and I have a shot so I won't say anything now" but when I got home in the evening, I was happy at first but I felt bad for making out with her and as the night was getting darker, my guilt was getting deeper so I didn't have a choice but to break it off with her.

I didn't get around to breaking it off the next day because I never saw her again until the day after that, opening night... May 28... The play happened and everyone was happy in the Green room but Ellen came in looking sad. Everyone including me went to see what was wrong with her. I talked to Ellen and she told me about how she and Sofia made it official. I didn't hear anything else after that because it felt like a shotgun went off and my ears were ringing. I was on the floor with a hole in my chest surrounded by people who got the same news as me except I wasn't happy so I look at the ceiling hoping that I'll wake up from this nightmare but I'm still awake and this pain is the only thing I have right now. It keeps me awake at night, keeps me focused sometimes, especially when it was time to deal with the aftermath of it all.