May I Pour You Another?

MAY I POUR YOU ANOTHER?

Mornings are the hardest for her, especially Sunday. She wakes crying often, the emptiness and quiet are almost unbearable. She volleys back and forth about staying in bed and binge watching something. She decides to pull herself up all while muttering in her head, “just get thru this day, it will not be like this forever”. It has been 4 years since he left her, left her for another woman, it has been a week since another one told her “we’re done”. Yes, to separate heartbreaking departures by two separate men that she has given a huge portion of her life. How could she be in this place again, “what’s wrong with me” she asks, “why am I not valued by anyone, why doesn’t anyone fight for me, for us”? She considered an online dating site, she was on one before, did not yield much action, just fueled the sadness. Why not try again? It could serve as a much-needed distraction, anything would be better than laying around conjuring up all her insecurities. She decided against the online dating and started focusing more on her body, that is it…every time she felt sad, she would strap on her ankle weights and do an exercise until she no longer thought about how unlovable she felt.

She wanted to see him, wanted him to call her and say how sorry he was about what he had said, what he had done. She knew this probably would not happen, but she could not stop thinking of it, crying for it, drinking thru it. The thought of no one caring about how her day was going, no one thinking about her when they woke, before they slept was the saddest thought of all her thoughts, the silence is so loud.

90…89...88...87…every time that sad empty feeling begins, this is her go to skill, counting backwards from 90. A simple method that has proven effective on many occasions, not all times, sometimes the only relief is to go to sleep. She is thinking about accepting someone’s offered to have a drink, seriously thinking about it. She just does not believe in love right now, no belief in it at all, the tears start again, 90...89...88...87.

She logged into her online dating account even though her brain told her not to, told her it would be the same with a new guy. As she swiped everyone left, someone caught her eye and she swiped right. She messaged him and waited for a reply, he replied quick, not sure if that is bad or good. They went back and forth for a while, sharing a laugh, comforting each other during the sadness when briefly discussing past heartbreaks. She decided that she did not want to give up on love, decided that love is what really mattered in the end, why not try again? The date was set, meeting in person, she was terrified, but she knew she had to try. As she dressed for the date she looked long and hard at her image and said these words, “you are enough for the right person, you are loveable and you deserve what you desire”, this was going to be her new mantra, it would be added to her counting to get her thru a difficult moment.

She arrived at the meeting spot, it was nice, rustic, and small, her type of place. As she sat and waited for him her body started to twitch, the thoughts started to dance in her head, she felt the urge to scream and run but she did not…90…89...88...87. She recognized him as soon as walked in, a smile jumped on her brain, “he’s tall, nice”. She had ordered a bottle of wine as she waited for him to help her stay calm, “was this to forward” she thought. As he walked towards her, he smiled, his whole face smiled, this made her feel good. He sat down and put his hand out, he said “wow, you look better in person and cool you ordered my favorite Merlot, may I pour you another glass”?

Disclaimer:

Copyrighted by Christy Houston the author 4/16/21, this is a fictional story, anything realistic is entirely coincidental.