When you hear love what do you think about? Most people imagine romantic love. Between a man and a woman, a woman and woman, a man and man, what have you.
The feeling that makes your heart beat faster when the phone buzzes. The kind that makes you envision the future with them. It is a beautiful kind of love. It is a love I have.
But that isn't the only love that exists.
There's that first love, the innocent kind of love. The kind you experience when you're a kid.
There's family love, an almost forced kind of love. You love them because they're around. Because they live with you. Because they grow up with you.
There's one-sided love, the kind that clings to one person. It is stronger from one to the other. It clings, it needs, it isn't reciprocated.
There's toxic love. Mutual feelings but relationship slowly kills you without you noticing. It chokes you, keeps you there, makes you feel like no one else will care for you except them.
There's friendship love, some say the best kind of love. It usually lasts a lot longer than the other types of love, even the good types. But friendship love can also be one of the most dangerous. It is gentle, it slips in. When you enter a new relationship you tend to be guarded.
Just naturally you guard yourself. But friendships, no. You don't do that. You don't worry about them hurting you, most just trust immediately. And sometimes that works out. Sometimes it is fine. But other times, that heartbreak, from losing a friend. Well, it makes you feel like you're dying inside.
It makes you feel like this is far worse than romantic loss. Because there will always be another out there. Another to kiss. Another who will want to take you to bed. But that person may not understand you. Hold you through the great times and the hard times. Sure, your S/O can do that. Maybe, but sometimes you don't have a S/O. Or your S/O is abusive or not around, be it physically or emotionally.
Friends are meant to love unconditionally. It is better than familial love. Because they choose you, and you choose them. Everyone talks about, sings about, makes movies about losing a boyfriend, husband, wife, girlfriend. But no one talks about your best friend breaking your heart. They don't discuss that, in reality, you don't make up with them. Something petty happens, something stupid. And we revert to children.
We stop communicating, we're all selfish and in our own worlds. So focused on what we lose that we can't see how it is affecting the other. Me. Me. Me. All the time. When deep down, all we want to do is...
"You're my best friend."
"Please don't shut me out."
"I love you."
"Please, we can fix this."
"Let's talk about this."
"Talk to me."
"I'm human and I make mistakes."
"Please accept me for the flawed person I am."
"I'm not perfect."
You may say this, you may only think this. Maybe something is holding you back. Maybe you're scared to tell them. I was scared. I am scared. In fact, I am terrified. All the time. But I risk it, because without risk we get no where. And once, it burned me. I was left curled up and hollow.
Only to find someone to fill that void that she left. And now it has happened again. Not as bad as before. We communicated. And now the ball is in her court. And while I know deep in my core she's never going to speak to me again. The foolish side of me, the idiotic part of me still hopes that she will come back.
That we will have a stronger friendship because of it. That she will realize that I would go to the ends of the earth for her if she would let me. I sit here with an aching and hopeful heart, knowing it is useless to hope.
So, why do I continue to let myself feel this way? If I know it ends in pain? Maybe it is because I am a masochist. Maybe it is because I want to see the best in people. Maybe it is because the idea of burning bridges left behind me scald my back and burn the ends of my hair. Maybe it is because the thought of leaving something broken makes me physically ill. Maybe it is all of that.
I know I'm not the only one. I can't be. I'm not that special. So, there must be others who feel the way I do, and knowing you're out there... well it helps. If you're reading this, maybe, it will help you too. To know you're NOT alone. And I feel you. I feel your pain, your anguish, your happiness, your fear.
I can do this.
You can do this.
WE can do this.