Making it work: Long-distance relationships and COVID-19

Couples are separated because of government-mandated house lockdown. Weddings are being cancelled to follow the "social distancing" regulations. Partners on holiday are stuck in other countries because of travel restrictions. These are just some of the ways couples are being affected by COVID-19. Things are not easy right now, so I've compiled some tips on how to make an unplanned long-distance relationship work from my own experience in planned long-distance relationships.

As an international graduate student, I have lived in many countries far from my home in the United States. Through all of my study and world-traveling, I have had some expereince in long-distance relationships and am currently in one that is being affected by COVID-19. I am a second-year PhD student living in Sydney, Australia. My partner had actually been living with me here unitl just two months ago, although it feels like much longer than that. After a year and a half out here, he decided to move back to the US (where we are both from) to find his own path and make a home for us.

So we said goodbye at the beginning of this year, and it was awfully sad, but I knew I would see him again in a few months on our planned trip to Bali! It was great, I had something to look forward to and something I could use to motivate my work. Two weeks ago we cancelled our trip, and that was the right thing to do. Unecessary travel right now is socially irresponsible, and also impossible for some, but unlike many planned trips, this was not just a vacation, it was some of the glue keeping our long-distance thing working. Now, we don't know the next time we will see each other, which is very challenging for maintaining a long-distance relationship. I recognize that many of us are now in forced long-distance relationships, so I'm sharing some tips for making it work in the current situation.

Tip 1:

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate

Communication is key in any relatiosnhip, but long-distance relationships have no chance without it. This is pretty obvious, what do you even do with your long-distance partner besides talking on the phone? It's best to get into some sort of routine where you call each other at a similar hour each day or every other day depending on how often you want to talk to your boo. So, set a time. Try not to let things take that time away from either of you. Remeber that even on days where you are confident and doing great, your partner may not be, and that phone call at that certain time of the day is something we come to rely on. In the current state of anxiety that the world is in, that phone call may be one of the only stabalizing things we get during the day.

Communication is not just about setting a time to talk every day. Communication is not just small talk either. Ok, so in a normal relationship where you see your partner irl on the reg, talking about deep shit can just be overwheleming and we can rely on other ways to be intimate with each other (like shoulder rubs, kissing, making dinner, etc.). Some days, all we want is to have small talk becuase we are exhausted with the other things going on in our lives. That's true for long-distnace relationships as well, but we have less contact with each other, so it takes a bit more effort for us to be intimate. And since we only have our words, having more than just small talk is actually really important.

Tip 2:

Be Creative.

Because we rely on a phone or computer to connect us with our lover, the way we interact can start to become mundane. It's important to not let your relationship become stagnant for too long, but we need to be creative to make this work when we are miles apart. Send flowers, chocolate, or gifts through the mail. Mail delivery is always a great way to change it up, and ordering food or gifts from local business that deliver can help keep your community members in business too. Do you sing, play an instrument or have a unique talent? Write each other songs, poetry, or love letters. Make your partner something homemade or send them a momento so they have something physical from you. Get creative on and off FaceTime. Play games together, start a new TV series, read the same book, or challenge each other with a cook off. If you are in house lockdown, start a new work out routine or online yoga class and encourage them to do it too. Plus, physical exercise is one of the best mood boosters, so don't get lazy just because you're stuck inside. You may be separated by just a few houses or by entire countries, so you'll have to figure out how to tailor these creative expressions of love to your situation.

Tip 3:

Build trust through honesty.

This one becomes very important for those of us who are in the early stages of a relationship and have just been forced into a long-distance situation. With all of the panic and anxiety increasing in society, it is normal to start to feel insecure and nervous about other aspects of your life. To keep you and your partner from going down this spiral of negativity, it is important to remain honest with each other. That means telling them if you feel anxious, sad, frustrated, or scared. You don't need to pretend that everything is OK right now, and hiding your feelings will complicate your relationship and your own emotions even more. Because COVID-19 is wreaking havoc on our society and long-distance relationships have their own set of challneges, you will have to be patient and practice mainting a safe place for you and your partner to share your feelings. It is OK to be vulnerable and to tell your partner that you need them. When you have the capability of easing their anxiety or worries, be the rock for them as well. Just like in any relationship, there is a give and take from both sides, and right now your ability to find that balance is going to be challenged. This may be the first time you or your parnter have had to share feelings digitally, and it doesn't come easily. The best way to start to share those feelings and feel safe doing so is to build up trust by being open and honest with each other from day one.

Tip 4:

Surprise each other.

This is another way of creatively expressing your love for each other. Some people say they hate surprises, well, I don't believe them. Obviously the best surprise you could give your partner is showing up on their doorstep...at least that would be the best surprise for me. Obviously now we aren't able to do that, and even in ideal situations, that sort of surprise might not be plausible. So, other ways you can surprise them are sending them things on a whim. Of course send them something for their birthdays or celebrations, but many times the days where we aren't celebrating something are actually the days we want to know you are thinking of us the most. Organize a scavenger hunt with one of their family members or friends, drop off baked goods at their doorstep with a handwritten note, or send them a text or photo in the middle of the night so they have something to wake up to. Being creative and having fun with the way you interact with each other now will strengthen your relationship when you are physically back together. Do as much as you can now to make sure you can pick up where you left off before the shit hit the fan.

Tip 5:

Pan a trip together.

Okay, obviously this one is a bit difficult to do, however, once things are back to normal, you both are going to be biting at the bit to get out of your house or even country and see each other in a new setting. Even though you may not be able to set an exact date for this trip, planning it or discussing where you will next see each other keeps your end goal in sight (more on that later). Let yourself get swept up in the planning of a vacation together. Talk about what each of you enjoy doing and the places you want to visit. You have an indefinite amount of time to plan this, so when it happens it should be pretty close to perfect. However, make sure to leave some space in your holiday itinerary for you to just be together. Focus the "trip" planning more on the catching up and time spent holdng each other. No judgement if you travel and only see the inside of a hotel room. We get it! When this is all over and you are able to physically be with each other again, there is a lot of time needed to rekindle your unique relationship and debrief after this global event. Be open to that happening as well. Work on that while you are apart so that when you do see each other again you don't feel like strangers. Reunions are emotional in general, but this one will be intense in its own way since it is and will be an event that affected the entire planet. Remeber your patience here as you plan your next trip together.

Tip 6:

Have an end goal.

I couldn't decide which one of these tips was the most important so they are all randomly ordered, but this one is definitely a must for a long-distance relationship. Long-distance relationships don't make sense unless there is a time frame that is in sight when you will both be back together again. For me and my partner that time frame pivots around the flexibility of my PhD program which is anywhere between 6 months and 2 years. Now, that is not a realistic time frame to work with and it does not work well when you are setting expectations of each other. So, we constantly reassess it. The challenge we face with pinpointing that time frame is similar to the one that is present for couples dealing with travel and safety restrictions due to COVID-19. The end goal is for you to be physically together again at some point in time, but now, we don't know when that will be. Because we cannot control the time frame of the end goal we need to focus on other aspects of the end goal. Think of what you want your life to be like when you are reunited with your love. Think of the kind of person you want to be when you are able to be together again. Manifest that. Communicate that. Work on that. Just because we cannot set an exact date for our reunion does not mean we should lose sight of the end goal or stop working towards it. One way to manifest it is to write about it. Imagine your life with your partner when you are back together and describe it in written words. Have goals you can control while you apart that get you closer to your combined end goal. And of course, talk to each other about it. Be flexible with each other if goals change, and they will. That's life. It will help you set realisitic expectations of each other during the time spent apart.

Tip 7:

Keep the romance alive.

I am jealous of those couples that are self-isolating together. I mean I know that the liklihood of driving each other nuts is very high, but at least there is always sex to relieve that stress. In a long-distance relationship we have got to get creative yet again to be intimate, but don't let the challenge stop you from trying. Again, practice makes perfect here and you are going to have to create a safe space for being intimate over the phone or via video. Sexual frustration is going to happen when on house lockdown, so I think it's time to just say it. Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy and in times like these, it might be the only way you can relieve the sexual tension. For those of us that have been doing the long-distance thing for a while, we already know this, but it's also important to build your comfort, set boundaries, and work on telling your partner what you want. If you weren't great at communicating how you like to get your pleasure before, doing it over the phone will definitely help you get there. Gather some confidence and talk dirty to start, send photos or videos, and then build up to whetever version of phone sex works for you. This is also the time to test your partner and see what kind of fantasies they have. If you enjoy writing, try sending something provacative to get them in the mood beforehand. Most importantly, make each other feel safe. Allow each other to be vulnerable and protect their comfort. It takes a lot of trust to pull this off well, so again be patient and encouraging.

Tip 8:

Be reliable.

This is a general tip in being a good human being, but it is very important here for specific reasons. Since we aren't able to physically see our partners showing up for us in our daily lives, we might not think that they are. However, it isn't hard to be reliable in these situations. Pay attention to the things your partner is doing on a daily basis. If they are stressed at work, do something a bit extra to relieve that. Give them space and time to vent to you if they have had a bad day. Be someone they can count on for emotional support. Celebrate with them when they are happy. Be as involved in their lives as possible even when there is distance. Again, because there is instability in the world right now, it is very important to have someone to count on that can stabalize you when you are impacted by the panic. To make sure you both are happy while being apart and while dealing with the pandemic, it is important to continue to encourage each other to go after your goals and passions. Be a person that your partner can count on to cheer them up or push them to do better. Once the sense that your relationship is solid is present, you both will be able to face the challenges of the day that much easier. Be reliable to give your partner peace in the stability of your relationship.

Tip 9:

Take care of each other's balance.

Balance is what we all want in every aspect of our lives. However, in reality, life is a bunch of ups and downs and we seldom sit in a space of perfect balance ever. Right now most of us are out of balance and restrictions may make it harder for us to find some balance we can control. Self-isolation should not mean disconnecting yourself from loved ones, but constant phone calls are also not healthy. Make a schedule that includes activities that promote your productivity, physical health, mental health, and social health. Make sure you are not overdoing it in any of those categories to compensate for the uncertainty of the world. Share your schedule with your partner so that they know how you are taking care of yourself. Of course it is OK for some days to be heavy in the phone calls to friends or in the work productivity, but striving for balance always neesds to be a part of your day. Each partner can help with this by creating schedules and routine. Now that days are starting to blur together and we may be wearing the same clothes for too long, routine is very important. Routine is something that aids in relieving anxiety as well, so even if you are not going to work, get up at the same time every day, make your bed, eat your meals like normal, move, and talk. Make sure your partner is included in your routine. Help your partner go to bed and wake up on time. Encourage good habits. Having another person keep you accountable will help to ensure you don't become nocturnal or eat all of your quarentine snacks too quickly.

Tip 10:

Take care of yourself first.

This is another important one that is listed last to leave you with something we might not think about when trying to maintain a long-distance relationship. Again, when it comes to trying to control the uncontrollable, remember, you yourself are the only thing you can control. A benefit coming from self-isolation is that there is now so much more time to self-reflect, which is something most people don't do enough of because we are out trying to control everything else but ourselves. Now we have some time to do some self care. Although this is a time where helping each other is a super high priority, you won't be able to help anyone if you aren't taking care of yourself first. Slow down a bit. Work through your emotions. Write down your fears and desires. Find some peace in yourself and your situation. As I am an anxious person in general, this whole crisis has me back and forth between panic and peace every day. I finally realized that all of the worrying that I am doing is not helping anyone. My anxious waiting for the phone to ring or my constant scrolling of social media to see the latest updates on the virus were causing a constant buzz that would not let me sit still for five minutes. Try to turn off notifications that are not essential. Give yourself a break. Walk away from work for a bit. Use different parts of your house to work, eat, sleep, and relax. Once you find some peace yourself, your energy will be much more helpful to your partner. Take this last tip for yourself regardless of your relationship status. No matter who you want to help, they will be much more receptive to your help when you are healthy and relaxed.

I hope these tips help you work through a planned or unplanned long-distance relationship a bit better. As we are all impacted by this global sitioation, it may feel like we don't have the time or capacity to work on strengthening our relationships. In reality, the relationships we have with our friends, family, and partners will be the most important things that will see us through this. With all that extra time on your hands, why don't we start working on some self care and relationship communication? Wishing everyone luck in these challenging times.