Ma Cherie

She was walking in front of me leading me to the balcony connected to Johnny's room. When we closed the door from the outside and our lungs filled up with cold air she lit up her cigarette between two slightly moist lips and took a deep drag. When she released the smoke from her lungs she showed me with exaggeration in her eyes how much she had been longing to go out for a smoke. Once she was done rolling her eyes she convincingly tried to show me how cool she could be. Demanding my attention I saw through every trick she tried.

I felt insanely calm in the situation.

Two falsely decisive eyes landed on me.

I will not be available for a few weeks, she squeezed out from her mouth.

Okay, was my answer.

I saw the disappointment spread across her face when she understood the lack of interest. She quickly adjusted it when she realized how visible it was for me to see what she felt.

The mask was in its usual place again.

She made a new attempt.

Concerning your question earlier, she began with a long pause.

Earlier I noticed that she had taped two of her fingers together. She also shouted at her friend Charlie who had gently put her hand on her knee when someone pulled a hilarious joke everyone laughed at.

I had CBD yesterday and I didn’t deal with it in a very good way. So I fell and injured both my fingers and my right knee.

Self-inflicted, I thought.

Okay, was my answer again. Tremendously uninterested in all the bullshit she tried.

The game she was playing she could continue on her own. It did not bite me anymore.

Yesterday when I realized what I was getting pulled into, it was like a big light-bulb switched on over my head. A heavy weight that was covering my thoughts since I first met you suddenly relieved and I could see. And I saw clear - very clear.

I looked at her and just felt such a power inside of me for the first time.

The whole situation was incredibly laughable. That she claimed to be in love with me felt like a big nothing. Call me emotionally cold. But what should be emphasized is that I, before I got my revelation, always tried to take in account and respect that she did have feelings for me. Ow, it only felt fake, like she just made it up to be able to manipulate me.

I think this is sad because you are such a beautiful person.

You are too. I crossed my fingers in my back pocket where she couldn’t see it. A lie. A big one.

I used to think she was a beautiful person, and very much so. That was a few days earlier, before I realized the weight of control she had over me at that point. Which was going to change. And that - quick.

Last Friday was very dramatic; she told me I had been treating her with lack of respect. I looked at her with tired eyes that needed sleep from overworking and answered shortly on her questions, but I knew for sure I hadn’t treated her with lack of respect. I was always prone to treat people around me with respect.

When I had left the party to go home because I felt too tired and exhausted to stay and if I would, my mood would have dropped drastically, she stubbornly chased me although I had said goodbye to everyone (including her), to keep talking about the situation. I made it clear that it was a bad time talking about it right then and there because I was tired and felt like I was misunderstood by everyone.

She had told her side of the story to all of our friends in common to try getting them on her side of the story. They were my friends too but I chose not to talk to them about it because it was between her and me, they didn’t want to be involved. The only person I told how I felt about it was my boyfriend Pete, who didn’t speak to any of them. I didn’t feel the need to tell the others in our friend bubble either, for me it was enough to keep it to myself. I am a good person, and if my friends know me as me, they know that.

That evening it dawned on me that I was tired of the drama I didn’t see before that existed between us.

I was questioning why I had to choose between her or Pete that I was with at the moment, a good relationship with love and respect. For me, that felt incredibly wrong. But according to her, it was no more than right that I was not allowed to take him with me to meet the people I called friends.

That boundary she made FOR me. And I listened like a puppy, until now.

Pete was not allowed to meet the people we had in common as friends because she was in love with me and didn't want to see me looking at anybody else. Control Freak.

At first I didn’t realize why it always felt so wrong for me. But now, everything was incredibly clear.

Even the letter she had given me, where she had been writing a 45 page love story from her perspective, where I only was a character that circulated around her, became obvious. It was not a love letter from my mistress anymore, it was a control-letter, another try to get me closer to her.

At the time when she had given me the letter of forty-five pages, when I had been so confused in life that I barely knew up or down, she offered herself as support. Poison.

When I am stressed and vulnerable as I was in that moment, I’m incredibly easy to trick, that I know from experience. I had been in Canada for almost a month and already moved to 6 different places. I still tried to find somewhere permanent where I could unpack my bags before all of my money was completely finished. You can probably imagine how stressed I was in this situation already.

The fact that she had decided to leave our relationship right here and now was exactly what I was longing for, exactly what I felt was necessary in my life. There were so many behaviors in her I recognized from a previous toxic relationship.

I felt relieved. I let her go, out of my life, out from my loving aura where there’s no room for players.

I looked her straight in the eyes, opened the door, and left her on the balcony.