Loving Your Self

Self-love. Three years ago, if anyone asked me, “Do you love yourself?”, I would have answered most certainly, “yes, of course, I love myself!” While thinking, “I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the absurdity of this question. Why is this even a question? How could anyone possibly not love themselves? Really?”

Today, the question gives me great pause. And I am compelled to unpack the three words at the core of this question. Do. Love. Self.

Let’s start with “do”. A quick Google check and I find this description: perform (an action, the precise nature of which is often unspecified). Do in this context means to perform an action. Good. That's settled

Now on to, in my estimation, the most overused, misused, and misrepresented word ever…love. An intense feeling of deep affection – that’s how love is defined, yet those words seem woefully small and inadequate. Love is deep, yes. But ask any parent, “Would you kill someone in order to protect your child?” Ask the same parent, “Would you give up your life to save your child’s life?” The unequivocal answer to both questions, which leads to the next one, “why?”, clearly indicates that love is not a feeling, which is too much of the time, fleeting.

Love is the willingness to take extreme action. Love is the unshakeable commitment to the decision to always act in a manner that supports and promotes the highest and best outcomes. Love is an action. It is something you do.

Self, I find, is a complicated place and space. Self, we say this word all the time, without giving critical thought to exactly what it means. Does the word refer to the physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual self? Are we looking at these selves collectively? Individually? Our present self, past self, or future self?

For clarification, once again, I consult Google. Self is defined as a person's essential being that distinguishes them from others…now I wonder, “What makes up my essential being?”

This leads me to reframe the oh-so-critical self-love question. The real question is: Do you live — assuming living is a series of actions— in a manner that contributes to the best outcomes for your essential being? The answer to this question lies in understanding the exact nature of our essential being, defined as the non-physical part of a person regarded as their true self, capable of surviving physical death or separation. While we are alive on planet earth, the physical and non-physical are inextricable, interdependent, and inseparable.

Here is what I know today, care for my essential being cannot be found: getting a manicure or pedicure, shopping online, sitting in a hair salon, getting a massage, going out to eat, not even taking a long hot bath!

Love for our non-physical selves, our essential selves – our emotions and feelings, our goals and dreams, our character and values, our intellect and ideas, our humor and quirkiness, our humanity and belief in the uniqueness of our divine purpose— must be conscious, thoughtful, intentional, energetic, vigilant, and deliberate.

My affirmative answer from three years ago was not a lie. It was ignorance. It was a delusion. It was illusionary. I didn’t know what I didn’t know about do, love, or self. Our essentialness manifests itself in our ability to express, honor, examine, understand, change, manage, channel, and fully lean into our emotions and feelings. In order to love who we are, we must learn who we are, and we must know who we are.

We must sit quietly and search for the right questions to ask ourselves, wait for the answers—maybe in a long hot bath – and then act in alignment.

How do you pour into your mind? Do you listen? Do you say kind words to yourself? How do you feed your spirit? Do you meditate? Do you journal? Do you get enough rest? Do you nourish your body? Do you exercise? Do you honor the deepest desires of your heart?

The questions are the answers. And through those answers, I met and fell in love with my essential self.