Love Over Agony

Hey guys. Thank you for taking an interest in my story. I’d like to start by saying that this is the very first piece I’ve ever written. I’ve always wanted to tell stories about things that I’ve experienced firsthand but always put it off. I once read that as a writer, you need to make a promise to the reader about what you will deliver. The most significant thing for me is truth. I will tell you a true and meaningful story that could be identifiable or unbelievable. I will write from the heart and talk to you as if we’re in a room kicking it while swapping stories and sharing a blunt.

As the entire world is undergoing a pandemic due to Covid-19, there is also something remarkable happening behind the curtains. The entire planet is in a healing process. Mother Nature is healing from the real pandemic which is the lack of love the human race has shown her. Not only do we not love her but we don’t show enough love to ourselves or each other. I want to share a love story with y’all. One that is unique in its own right and acts as a constant reminder that regardless of what is happening in the world or in your own world, a little bit of love can heal shit you never thought possible.

My journey in the love realm began like many others with inexperience and confusion. Mostly made up of bad decisions and lust. I gravitated to broken individuals that reflected a fucked up side of me to some degree. Years upon years were spent doubting myself as to whether I was even good enough to receive love. Honestly I didn’t really love myself so how could I possibly be worthy of this imaginary feeling. I had no game, I was Captain Friend Zone and I had this knight in shining armor complex designed to make me feel better about myself because I had low self esteem. Shit, this started as far back as grade school well in to my 30’s. Just couldn’t seem to get it right but always knew deep down that it was something I desired more than anything else. I’m sure there’s plenty of psychological reasons for this. For starters I was an only child in a two parent household that seemed relatively normal. No drugs, abuse, neglect or poverty. I took for granted what I had growing up because I just always had two parents that loved me and did a good job of pretending around me. My parents were married for 26 years but never seemed compatible. They were polar fucking opposites to say the least. Dad was a Peruvian immigrant who spoke little English and was a man of very few words. Grunting was an acceptable language for him in a prehistoric kind of way. Yet mom was about as nerdy as an exaggerated 80’s movie. Seriously I can’t make this shit up. Dad had an affinity for action movies, wrestling and extreme couponing before it was considered cool. Mom on the other hand had a colorful array of interests from Stephen King novels, Peanuts comics, radio contests and priding herself on some of the worlds most useless knowledge. It always amazed me that these two somehow crossed paths. Through many years of fragmented stories I gathered that my father “saved” my mother from a hard lonely life just by showing her attention. That was 1975. Five years later I was born. The point in this is that opposites do attract but it’s more than that. I believe that you attract what you need in your life at the time. Usually there’s a lesson to be learned leading up to an awakening of some kind. I’m sure it wasn’t all bad but in the end it all deteriorated. Combine witnessing your whole outlook on what a “healthy” relationship consists of with the fact that I hardly ever had a friend with two parents or the fact that all my male friends were douche bags and all my female friends were attracted to douche bags. The only models of a healthy relationship that I had to pull from was my grandparents. They were old school as fuck in the sense that if you marry the person, that shit is for life. Ride or die no matter how fucked up things get.

Through the course of my life I went through the good guy hopeful phase, I guess it’s love phase, she’s out of my league phase, one night stand phase even the cheater phase. I tried all that shit on to see which one fit better. Honestly none of it ever felt right. Until when I was ready to say “fuck this” an unsuspecting person and I crossed paths. Here I am at 31 years old emotionally unavailable with a shit ton of baggage. My only focus in life is to be a better person and not worry about finding someone to complete me. I get a random message from a girl on Facebook who happens to be one of my good friends younger sister. Twelve years younger at that. Of course I’m not thinking anything whatsoever because I saw her as inexperienced so what would be the point. Fast forward through a fuck ton of Facebook messages and zero sexual interest something bagan to happen. I got to know someone for who they really were. Gasp!! The thought of such a notion. On top of that I had nothing to hide about who I was or what I’ve done. I was an open book about my dark past and inner demons. Yet she never seemed to pass any judgement on me. Completely looked past all of it. It made no sense to me. We slowly started hanging out in secret because there was a fear of what others would think. What could we possibly have in common. Apparently more than I can possibly write down. To the point that we understood each other on frequencies that I never allowed anyone to see or know about me. After a summer of mostly hanging out and talking in 2012, we officially started dating during a fucking hurricane. Hurricane Sandy to be exact. No power, no distractions. The world felt like it was ending for everyone else except us. It was just the beginning.

I’m not hear to tell you that everything was all roses and rainbows because I’d be lying through my teeth. Trust me there were plenty of rocky moments. My past and inner demons continued to rear its ugly head. It was an uphill battle of my self sabotage vs innocence and lack of experience. One thing was for sure that she calmed me in a way I had never felt before. All while seeing the best in me. Always believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself. Without realizing, she brought the best version out of me without trying to change me. Never judging me even though she knew things about me that would make most women ghost me on the spot. She was never aloof and always honest. I never felt like I had to hide even though I wanted to. If you’re a Marvel fan she was the Black Widow to my Hulk. Everything she did made me want to give her the world because she deserved it more than anyone I’ve ever known. In my opinion still to this day she’s way to good of a person to have ended up with me. She’s never once in her life done anything fucked up towards anyone and has always done the right thing. Trust me when I tell you that that’s some fairytale shit where I come from.

After 7 years of growth and struggle we decided to make it official and get married quietly. To us we were already married. We started 2020 with the mindset of change and building our future together. Fresh start and a case of the fuck its. We did things our way for us and no one else. We’re two weirdos with colorful layered pasts and interests. I’m sure in a perfect scenario our wedding would look like a cross between a Bubba Sparxx video and a Royal ceremony. Your talking about a girl who was born and raised in Newark, New Jersey and grew up in Puerto Rico and Tennessee and a guy who grew up in Kearny, New Jersey which happens to be a multicultural shit show in a good way overlooking what was considered to be the hood that is Newark. An 80’s guy and a 90’s girl trying to solidify their bond when a god forsaken worldwide pandemic strikes. Yes we were scheduled to be married during Covid-19. The world feels like it’s ending yet again as we try to start a new journey.

Although this story might seem like one big rant from a guy who can’t sleep while sitting on the toilet at 4am, it’s meant to shed a little light on any situation that might seem impossible to overcome individually or together. The world is in a scary state right now but it will pass. It’s healing itself and we need to use this time to reflect and heal. This is me just reflecting on what matters the most to me in my life which is my partner in crime. That’s who I turn to when everything outside sucks. She’s the only person I would want to be quarantined with. She’s taught me how to love myself and I’ve learned how to properly love her in return. No matter how bad things may get, if you are fortunate to have a significant other that will willingly put up with your shit, not punch you in the face for chewing with your whole face open and doesn’t mace you in your sleep when you’re being a complete idiot then stop what you’re doing and hug them right now. Count your blessings and don’t take your partner for granted. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and truly naked in front of them. Put the fucking phone down and talk to each other. Life can end in a Thanos snap and when it does, there won’t be many there by your side. Love finds a way during any disaster from Hurricane Sandy to Covid-19. Don’t focus on monetary bullshit. The universe has just challenged our existence and everything you thought was important suddenly doesn’t matter. What matters is our mental, physical and spiritual health. If you have a partner hold them close. Whatever you have that you love cherish it.