Love Life of a Lone Traveler

There's a whole story as to how I came to be so Obsessed in Love for these three women...

Well, three stories, connected through Me.

Green is Hayley

Orange is Lili

Purple is Rhea

(Black is a sort of Objective Emotionless yang-y sort of voice

Blue is a sort of Loving Compassionate yin-y sort of voice).

It was my Dream as a child to ride a bicycle across the country. This Journal is from that time as I did that. The three girls are all from back home. I didn't want a series of short shallow relationships/hook-ups as I moved around. I Loved these girls. I missed these girls. I valued these relationships. I knew that I Wanted to be with them.

But I didn't know... Who Wanted Me?

So endlessly did I think about the possibilities, as I rode that bicycle. Her, Her, or Her. Any combination of the two. To be with All of them. That was the official plan, actually. When I got back, victorious from my ride, I would pursue each of them, and it would all just work out naturally. If they were all interested, then it'd be like an episode of The Bachelor, except I wouldn't ever choose anyone. They'd have to sort it out themselves. Worst case scenario, we move to Utah and I have multiple wives. That seemed like a pretty good ending.

But at the same time, each relationship and story was unique and in it's own place. So while I wanted a CONFLUX—a night of all of us Together (which I called "Star Dune" as a code word) I understood the likelihood of that was low. Based on lots of variables, some known some unknown (including, but not limited to: the current relationship status between each individual Lady and I, their movements/position in Life, the meaning that each relationship held) I came to choose one girl over the other two—either of the other two Ladies being a potential happy ending for Me, should Lady Orange reject Me.

So I chose Lady Orange. That made the most sense to Me. In fact, nothing had ever made more sense to Me in My Life, than that. She was everything I ever Needed...

I had messed up, in the past. I didn't pursue Her when I should have, so She chose another man, and I instead pursued Lady Green. They each mean so much to Me, and the emotions for both of them so powerful, and subtly different. The only way I could describe that difference is like different hues of color. Different wavelengths of Light. Lili feels Orange. Hayley feels Green. Once I understood this, my Mind made the association. Now, whenever I see something Orange, I am reminded of Lili. Whenever I see something Green, I am reminded of Hayley. Hayley abandoned Me, and ran off with some other guy. I chased after Her, while Lili gave Me some emotional support, as a friend. I never got Hayley back, instead spiraling into a morbid depression, which is when Lady Purple appeared. Rhea feels Purple. She Healed Me, put Me back together. Then I left, again, to finish my ride, My Dream...

I made a vow of celibacy, and upheld it.

I couldn't stop thinking about them, every day. Down the Mississippi, to the Southern Coast. Through the middle of Texas, against the Wind. Over the Mountains of Colorado, higher than I'd ever been. In the deserts of Arizona, I was once afraid of them, of dying there. Of not making it. I was no longer afraid. Everything was in front of Me. I Just had to reach the coast. I Just had to prove I could do it...

I reached the coast at Santa Barbara. I rode north up the coast, tortured by the situation.

She was hurt, I know She was. She was hurting Herself, and All My Love for Her, Everything of Me that I thought could Heal Her, did not. Defeated and replaced by chemicals that take over Your Mind, Numb Your Heart, and Destroy Your body. If I could Help Her, then I would. But I can't if She won't let Me. Just like My Father, She chose the drugs over Me.

She Just didn't Want Me. It didn't matter how True My Love was, I wasn't what She Wanted. I don't suppose I Know exactly what that was; money and sports cars, penthouse suites and high-living, big arms and washboard abs—all things I've never had and will never have. I had better things. I had The World. I had Wings. I had Freedom. I could ride anywhere—ANYWHERE on my bicycle. I was exactly the Man that I wanted to be. I was above all those lower devices. Money was nothing more than resource to Me. I went months without buying a thing. Why would I spend hours and hours and hours at some stupid job that I didn't care about, just to pay for an expensive toy that I didn't want to sit in traffic in, and an apartment that I'd get bored in? And I don't know why I don't have visible abs. I guess I eat too much Peanut Butter. I climb mountains. Aren't I good enough?

And I was too broken, it was all too messy for Her, to even include Me in Her life. The gifts that I offered, Family, Brotherhood, Care, Love; not enough.

In the end, they each Rejected and Abandoned Me. My Heart is still in pieces. Nothing makes sense anymore. I completed My Dream. I rode my bicycle 12,500 miles across my country. Yes, at least I did that. But I Failed to Win Love. I ran away from a lot of girls that were interested in Me along the way. Women that had what I Needed. But I Wanted Her. I thought it would mean something. Now I'm Broken, and have nothing...

But Home, and Hope.

I'm with my family now, no longer anything left to prove.

And one day, a Lady that has what I Need will see Me and give Me a chance, and help Me Heal and achieve My Potential. And I'll Love that woman forever, Just for that. Or, perhaps one of them will reach out to Me first; fix things. Whoever it comes from, I Need Romance in My Life. That Love is what Saves Me. These are Lonely, Melancholic days, as I manage my emotions and pent-up and unmet sexual desires, and try to disassociate in My Mind all these colors so I can think clearly, while Waiting for the Love that I Need to come to Me. I'm working hard, to prepare for the Good things, and the future that Her and I will enjoy, Together...

If You want to read the whole story, simply google, "To Reflect Upon The Moon" to check out the book I wrote of it all, for Free (: