Love Lessons

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

When someone shows you their true colors, stop trying to repaint them. Do yourself a favor & don’t make the same mistake TWICE. Or in my case, thrice. Is there a quantitative measurement after thrice when counting consecutively? Who knows, but, I have a better question for you.

How many times will we have to endure the same heartbreak? Shouldn’t we have learned our lesson last time?

I guess for me, the lesson learned should’ve been that each man always presents himself differently than the one before; yet somehow, he ends up being the exact same. Identical patterns. Similar behaviors. The result has always been the same — heartbreak & disappointment.

To briefly sum it up — same man, different body. Ironically, they were of no relation. Could’ve fooled me though.

These men dived in with charisma and charm. The words slid out of their mouths with so much smoothness that the lies glided past my ears without much thought. The poison was sugar coated and wrapped in a smooth tone just the way I always liked. Sweetness was always my weakness. Words dressed in lies, and seemingly covered in concern, compassion, & love. You see, these men looked good, but sounded better. Their words oozed with everything I’d ever hoped of hearing.

This is where my lessons begin.

Lesson 1: Words

The saying goes, “Actions speak louder than words.” I found out the hard way that actions should be taken into account & consideration, but words matter.

Remember the elementary chant we used to say : “sticks & stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Gosh, I wish this were true. As a former verbally abused woman, words mean alot to me; honestly, perhaps more than they should. I suppose this is why words of affirmation is my love language.

Lesson 2: Love, is that you?

There was a point that I was spending time looking for love, but nothing ever worked. I guess it could best be described as, 2 souls searching for the same love, but coming from 2 different backgrounds. I’m sure it would be safe to say that they all loved me, just not in the way I knew love; yet, I’m led to believe that they loved me the best way they knew how. Their versions of love was both accepted and appreciated. However, I had to learn that it’s possible for someone to love me to the best of THEIR ability & it still not be all the love I deserve. Let’s continue with my lesson number 3.

Lesson 3: You Can’t Fix Them

In most of the relationships or situationships I found myself in, I empathized and allowed more than I ever should have; this is where I often make the same mistake. I wanted so badly to understand their pain, a pain that I never had to endure. I wanted to desperately prove to them what real love was. It was often inadvertently rejected. Maybe due to fear or partially due to the foreign feeling. I wanted to fix the areas that were broken and build them into the man I knew they could be. They never embraced it. I felt guilty over the years to see them remain broken for so long, especially knowing that I possessed the unconditional love to fix them. At this point, I realized 2 things.

1.) Some people don’t want to be fixed because being broken gives them desired attention.

2.)I was raised off love. They seemed to be raised off survival.

To this day, I always wonder if one raised off survival, & one raised off love could ever really ever be the perfect match.

Lesson 4: If He Did It Before, He Will Do It Again!

Love & lessons. It’s almost a revolving door. The heartbreak happens, then an apology, and in most cases — a gift. Once it’s seen that things are not quite “back to normal,” the rage comes followed by a series of actions or insults. And just that quick, we are right back to square one. Maybe he didn’t hit me, but he blamed me for his mistakes. Maybe he was indirectly controlling- so I started doing things he liked to avoid him getting mad or unnecessary arguments.

He calls, me. I’m busy & can’t answer. He starts sending text messages accusing me of being sneaky & saying I can’t be trusted. He accuses me of being inconsiderate.

I call him back. He starts yelling & comparing me to the “last one” that did it, convincing me that I am just like her. It ends in a fight. Hurtful words. He hasn’t hit me, but I know what he’s capable of. The way he yells and screams when he’s upset makes me uneasy. His anger makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to deal with the same thing every time I’m not able to answer the phone so I rush to complete tasks to make sure I’m available. I break my sleep, to make sure I’m able to pick up. He complains about my diet, so I don’t eat much in front of him. He complains about my weight, so I wear bigger clothes to not make my weight so noticeable.

Yes, he apologized. Yes, he even cried a little. He confessed his love, & how much he couldn’t live without me. When I would bring to his attention his hurtful actions, he would project onto me. When he asked me to communicate & I expressed my hurt, he would call me sensitive & narcissistic because “I made the whole argument about me.” He would make me feel like maybe I overreacted. He would gaslight me. He consistently apologized, and the actions never changed. Maybe I could’ve been sensitive, but he didn’t get to decide how much he hurt me. My feelings were valid to me.

Lesson 5: I'm no Saint

Though I’m no saint, I’m not exactly diabolical either. I have my share of flaws, & I’ve even said some things that I probably should’ve held back. I apologized. But what happens when the apology is met with what appears to be inacceptance? Or met with blame? It made me feel as if my apology was in vain. I could have spoken up at times that I remained quiet. I could’ve shut up, but kept talking- possibly adding fuel to the fire. I could’ve sacrificed more. I could’ve compromised better. I could’ve been more understanding or excerised more patience. I know that every store has 3 sides. My truth. His truth. and THE truth.

Lesson 6: The Healing Phase

I’ve experienced how physical wounds heal, sometimes the physical wounds leave scars; but words…those words leave lasting impressions. Words echo louder as days go on, many times they echo louder days, months, & years after it’s said.

It seems almost as if I became whatever they said I was. The words stuck to me, and in a way became my garments. It finally dawned on me. I never was anything they said I was. I don’t think it’s realize how much they damaged me with either thoughts or acts — most of the times, it was both. These men had damaged me to a point of fragility, insecurity, or instability. In my honest humble opinion, by doing this, it’s decreased the chances of be exposing my vulnerability. Even to this day, I find it difficult to be transparent with a significant other. It’s almost as if every time I finally choose to be comfortable, there happens to be an incident that reminds me of why I should’ve never been comfortable in the first place.

Though I’m no relationship coach, my advice would be — Be careful in your approach & the words you speak. Kind words turn away wrath. It’s not always what you say, sometimes it’s how you say it. For me, your tone of voice will determine how quickly I act upon your request. It will decide whether I’m stubborn or submissive. It was determine if I’m receptive or if you’re rejected. Eventually, I realized that those words that I thought were written in permanent, we actually written in pencil. They were temporary & could be erased and replaced by more beautiful words. Words stick, but they are tattoos. Contrary to what I believed, they could be removed.

Love is a wild journey. The ride is filled with the wildest dips, turns, loops, and sometimes appears to take a plunge. Love is a painful thing,

I think I’ve learned my lesson. Crazy enough, each time it happens I try to convince myself that “this will be the last time.” Who knows, maybe I’m actually for real this time.