Love Is Blind

The dating world can be such a hassle and a heartbreak to the point we almost say “screw it”.The real world can be even crueler. As of late, and also since the beginning of time America has been eradicating the population of our legacy. Kings and queens of the Afro- Latinx, Carrib, and Afrikan diaspora, who reside in the great Americas have been disproportionately disadvantaged, cheated, and I feel robbed at fair chances of love.

For something that should feel like CPR to resuscitate the broken and broken-hearted is instead our breath being taken away. Literally. We’re dying at the hands of guns, rough policing, policies, and politics implemented to further disenfranchise Black and Brown households. America is in crisis. However, the system is not fully to blame. I wouldn’t be honest if I weren’t to say that we need to take accountability in loving hard and fighting even harder to defeat these statistics.

This brings us to the very pointedly detail that the analyses of relationships have been studying far before my recent revelation. Dating back to 2011 a peak in interracial dating has been denounced.

I want to dissect why, so I’ve conducted an interview asking friends for their honesty and transparency into their dating lives.

Simple things like trust and loyalty seem too big to ask for, and an unhealthy cycle of hurt begins. We slide into our roles as strong black men and women, then we try to convince ourselves we’re better off alone. More often than not this happens to our brothers and sisters. They are attractive, smart, talented, yet can’t seem to find their soulmate. According to a new report by the Pew Research Center, 25% of Black male newlyweds married non-Black women, in comparison to the 12% of Black women who “married out”. There are many stigmas that come along with dating Black women. On a segment of “Iyanla: Fix My Life”, three men admitted that their biases against black women was due largely to past experiences as well as negative preconceived notions, although, they themselves came from a Black woman. Whether it was they are too argumentative or too “extra”. While some won’t bat an eye to the progressive norms of dating, some find it problematic.

The part that I find troubling is the fact that Black matrimony should be inextinguishable, and it is not. In fact, many do not even bother to get the official certification of their union due to how dubious we are, often separated or just ‘making it work’.

Briefly, in my experience, I was raised by a single mother with a third- generational view of a marriage of sustenance; never said it was perfect but I got birds-eye view to what a Black-Love is like. The tying of the ties on Sundays and zipping of the hems of dresses. The alpha (my granddaddy) tending to the family business, and the domesticated catering style my grandmother handled with grace, duty and of course love.

In a race that thrives off of self-love, strength and pride, dating outside of ourselves can help further disassociate “black” and “love”.

Black men are twice more likely to date outside of their race than black women yet the backlash for it is much more significant for women. While the men are deemed as “lucky” and receive kudos as if driving a foreign car, women are judged and labeled “sell outs”. So what is the reason behind Blacks not only dating, but potentially marrying interracially? It doesn’t hurt to ask, so we did. (The participants agreed to have their names declassified).

Have you dated outside of your race? Why?

“Yes, my current girlfriend is actually from Bangladesh, my exes were white and Asian. This is the demographic I’ve been surrounded by since primary school”. Kwami,23

Do you have a preference?

“No I don’t see race, if she’s cute, funny, smart I’m attracted to her... I’ve dated a black girl before and it felt like home”. (LOL) Gregory,22

Do the stigmas of Black women cloud your interest in them?

“No, I’m not afraid of Black women,but i feel like fragile ego’s just aren’t made for our Queens”. Justin,19

Have you received backlash from your interracial relationships? What was that experience like?

“My (white) ex girlfriend’s parents were extremely conservative, they didn’t approve of me and didn’t hide it. She ended things that night”. Chris,23

I’ve learned a lot speaking with these gentlemen but what stuck with me the most was the confidence these men possessed; they translated to me that having thick skin is a major key when dating outside of your race. And I can attest to that considering the climate we are in right now. Suddenly, I start to think would it be safer to marry another race, since they are killing and locking up my potential idealistic husband, you know an alpha male sorta like my grandfather. The government makes things much more complex when it comes to Black families succeeding, from the neighborhoods we can live in, the loans we are able to access, the homes we can buy as well as the inadequacies of universal resources. I am optimistic that I will be a mother one day, not necessarily a traditional way, but definitely not following the trend of single motherhood. Not at the hands of the deconstruct of Black unity, and surely not for lack of devotion. Love is hard, but being at war is much harder. Love unites, and hate divides, I say we focus on the love part and let everything else fall in its place

So this brims us to Part 2 (Intersectionality in The Name of Love..stay tuned)- how is America treating our non-traditional unions? Just imagining that just 8 years ago gay marriage wasn’t even fathomable without discretion.