Love in the Time of COVID

Starting this year off, who could possibly have imagined that within three months, we’d experience a total lockdown due to a global pandemic? I know I said I wanted a repeat of the Roaring Twenties but I was talking about the fashion and hedonism, not a virus! Now, we’re about to head into another month long lockdown a month and a half before Christmas.

This year hasn’t been easy for anyone. Between the intense feelings of isolation and mass job loss, it’s easy to understand why the nation’s mental health has plummeted. Personally, I dealt with my dad being diagnosed with bladder cancer and my mum suffering from sepsis, caused by a fistula between her bladder and bowel. Due to COVID, I wasn’t allowed to see my mum for the 85 days she was in hospital; a week of which she spent on a ventilator, with low odds of survival. It’s fair to say it took its toll on all of us. This year has been one of the most emotionally difficult to navigate but I am lucky that I now have my mum home and my dad on the mend. There are so many people that have lost friends and family for so many reasons so I know how lucky I am.

I entered this year single, having had my sense of self esteem decimated by an emotionally toxic relationship that ended by text after 2 years. I promised myself that I would work on me this year; I would become the kind of person I could finally love. After all, if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else; can I get an amen?

So…I entered the wonderful world of Tinder once again. It’s a scarier place than I remembered. Between being ghosted and having men think I was going to drop my knickers when their first message to me was ‘nice tits’, it’s fair to say the waters were rough.

Now, I’m going to say something incredibly controversial but I genuinely don’t care: I really enjoy sex. As a young woman, I have a high sex drive; I enjoy masturbation and essentially, the worst part of being single for me, was not having the emotional and physical connections I had through sex. I am not an addict (contrary to my ex partner’s slights about me) but I have a healthy relationship with sex and I know what I want. I’m proud of that. So, maybe the Tinder thing could suit me.

Then COVID came and bit all of us on the arse. I had dated two men before lockdown; I’d had sexual relationships with them both and both had decided that they were no longer ready for relationships after we’d had sex. It is difficult not to develop a complex but I appreciated the honesty. Both of these relationships taught me what good sex actually felt like. For two years, I had mediocre sex, with no experimentation. The same old routine. A focus on his pleasure exclusively. It was nice to have the focus shifted to me.

Once lockdown well and truly hit, I stopped my quest for companionship; surprisingly, it’s quite difficult to have a physical relationship when you can’t mix households, who knew? When restrictions started to be lifted in June, I took another dive into the dating pool. I knew any dates were restricted to going for a walk. I was up for it. One man I was talking to, I felt a very strong emotional and mental connection with so was excited to get the chance to just talk. The tan lines I still have on my back are testament to how much I enjoyed his company, walking through my local park in the middle of a heat wave. I enjoyed it. I was able to gage that, even without the physical stuff, I could form a connection. We actually got along and I really fancied him, which made our first kiss even better. Okay, so yes, I was extremely disappointed when he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. On top of every other thing in my life, I experienced a full breakdown. I felt like I was going to lose my parents and now, someone I was really attracted to on every level didn’t want me either; it was the worst time. I was lucky though; the man stood by me and supported me. Although he couldn’t give me what I wanted, he made sure that I knew I had a friend which I will always be grateful.

July is when my life changed for the better. After swatting off the men looking for casual hook-ups, I had one match that caught my eye. Do you know when you get a vibe, just from a message? We started talking and I realised how similar we were: our desires for the future; our values and I really liked him. For the first time in my life, I wanted to be bold…via text message (small steps). I asked him on a date. I knew from the first moment I saw him that I was meeting someone who was going to be so important to me. Our first few dates were walks and then we went to restaurants.

On my birthday, we’d been together for two months. He took me out for dinner; gave me a beautiful necklace that I never take off and we went for a walk. Just before he dropped me home, he told me he loved me for the first time. For the first time in months, I knew I could say it back and truly mean it. Being with him feels completely natural and I genuinely see him as the man I want to marry and build a family with. I finally feel like I know what I deserve and I’ve found it in the man I love.

So, this year has been bumpy and the most difficult for so many. Dating was never going to be easy amidst a global pandemic but I have found what I was looking for. Let’s face it: our meeting is going to be one hell of a story to tell the children.