Love at Kroger

Why does it always happen at Kroger?

Once, I was working at Kroger and a customer gave me a card and it had her number inside. She thought I was cute and she wanted a date.

I called. We went to a movie. It was ok, but... well, that was all.

Then, my first real girlfriend. A co-worker from Kroger. She asked me to a movie. And it got better from there.

One night, I stood at the entrance to Kroger … just inside the doors, and M was walking out. We talked. The entire time I was talking to her, I knew. I knew I should say something, do something.

I had "that feeling." The one I can't describe. What came into my mind that night seemed completely unreasonable. It didn't make any sense. At all.

But love is not about logic.

I loved her... but I couldn't admit it. Saying it out loud would disrupt so much. It … it didn't make any sense.

A few months later, she'd invite me to dinner. And I'd decline. Because, well, I just couldn't... I couldn't give in to that feeling.

And so...and so we were just friends... good friends. People who talked and shared their lives as we moved and dated and got jobs.

And one day, I got an email. It was M’s mom. And, well, M was dead. A crazy accident. My friend … the woman I loved... the first woman who ever gave me "that feeling" was gone.

Then one day, almost exactly 20 years after talking to M in Kroger, I was sitting in a Kroger parking lot. I was crying... I was crying so hard. I hadn't really cried in months... in what felt like forever.

I was crying because... well, because I had "that feeling" again. I was totally, completely, 100% in love. With her. With the person who moved me so much I gave up on logic and reason and just went with it.

I was crying because my logical side was working out all the ways our relationship could go. And they all ended badly.

Well, all but the least likely. There was the … very, very, extremely slight chance that we could go from where we were to a forever place... that something beautiful and brilliant and long-term could happen. But, well, that wasn't really going to happen. All the other outcomes were varying degrees of bad.

Then, then I remembered M. And how I'd pushed down that feeling...how I'd told myself it couldn't happen, not for me. And how she'd died. And how I felt like maybe if I'd asked her, maybe she wouldn't have died... you now, the butterfly effect. Sure, we might not have "made it" as a couple, but maybe her life would have moved enough to keep her alive.

Anyway, I also thought about how I'd missed M since then... How it hurt to not have at least tried.

And so, I stopped crying. And I went inside the store and I bought what I needed to make dinner and I resolved to go for it. I knew... I knew... it didn't make any sense at all. But, I wanted you -- I LOVE you, even now. And, if this was love (it was), I was going to go all-in. No matter the cost, no matter how much it might hurt. I was willing to take the pain because the power of real love was worth it.

We didn't last too much longer after that day. We both knew it didn't make sense. And you had the wisdom to stop.

But, I asked for what I wanted. I gave myself completely over to love. I have NEVER been happier in my life. I will always have those moments with you...

I hope for another chance at love like that.

I know I can give all of me.

Yes, yes... I want it with you.

But I know that's probably not possible.

Someone is out there... and I won't hold back.

Maybe I'll meet her at Kroger?