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Lost Love

Lost Love and Its Lesson Along the Way

By Angie AmatoPublished 5 years ago 4 min read
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Lost Love Part 1: Overall History

As humans, whatever we do creates a domino effect or the butterfly effect. It can either change us for better or for the worse. We'll either succeed our farthest or fail our hardest. However, failure comes with great success. Even when it comes to the person we love. I met him when I was 15. As a 15-year-old girl, all I cared about was how many friends I had, the parties I was gonna attend, and even being hung up on boys. Not all teenage girls are like this, some are smart and focused on finding themselves through their academics or hobbies. I wish I did that. Instead, I threw myself at guys, relationship after relationship. Some lasted a day and some lasted a year, but this one, this one I'm still currently in.

This love has taught me something I never understood. It's like everyone who has lived this that explained their theory was right. He was 18 when I met him. He was stunningly handsome and everything I wanted. He skateboarded, he played guitar, he smoked cigarettes and he was the most honest man I had ever met. Finally, a guy who wasn't going to screw me over. Little did I know it was me screwing every guy over. He was going teach me, though—teach me who I really was, what I really wanted from this recycled thing called life. We fooled around for six months before I got so drunk that I begged to be his girlfriend, and so that's what happened. He made a promise, though, that he would never leave me, no matter what. He wasn't going to abandon me due to him having abandonment issues. He had come to know himself. He had to learn just as well as I did.

However, I kept leaving him. I pushed his abandonment issues to the brink of no return, and royally screwed up anything positive for this man. I would walk out the door and come back as I pleased. Eventually, he grew tired of this and put his foot down. He wasn't so nice to me anymore. His feelings began to shift and change. He would show me he was angry with me if he was angry. He would show me he didn't care if I didn't care. All I did was challenge him and challenge him, and he'd spit that medicine I fed him back into my face. I felt the need to escape every time things got bad. I didn't realize the effect that would it would have on him. Our relationship got worse, I got worse. After my brothers death... he admitted his infidelity after I admitted mine, and I paid the price for that. When I did what I did, I told him two days later. Two days later, I didn't think he would bring up his shenengians he did years ago—two years to be exact. I didn't even know it occurred. This shook me in ways that traveled through my heart and shattered my spine.

What came next was worse. I paid the price for both of our mistakes. He would bring it up whenever we fought. He would constantly tell me how he should have left me on this day or that day. Other days, he would remind me that he made a promise to never leave. About a year after my brothers death, things were still very distraught between us. I decided to leave him, believing he would never be happy sticking around me and that made me unhappy. I had to give this boy's heart a break after all. However, he did not want that, and he came to my house telling me he wanted me back. That I was beautiful that he would throw all the dirt behind us. I was stupid for believing that. I ended up pregnant that night—six months pregnant, jobless, with a jobless baby dad who could care less if I dropped dead.

What I've learned, though, is that you can't be the woman a man wants if that man does not want you at all. He will only change for a woman he wants. I've used those cards and I'm all out. I'm no longer anything good. I'm nothing he needs. He would rather drink the poison until it kills him instead of walking away. Now, there's many arguments and sides to this story. I wasn't a saint, and I wasn't loyal. I wasn't honest and I wasn't trying to be better until it was too late. Lost love is lost love. Some things in life will be lost and never to be found. Sometimes I pray that someone will come along and change this bitter view of his. I apologise everyday. We're no longer together. We're no longer a team, but looking back, were we ever?

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