The Best One to Continue and the Worst One to End
Everyone has a collective group of friends, each individual in their own way bringing pieces of themselves to the table. But there is always going to be at least one you favour the most.
This friend is the only one that can truly lift your soul when it’s tired, can help you fight a little harder when you think your strength has gone, can make you laugh when all you want to do is curl up in the dark and cry. They have this ability to just "be" and still be the world's greatest.
This great friendship also comes with the biggest hurt, fears, and risks. This friendship is the one that will burn you from the core when it ends and leave you in a million pieces, much of which you will never find again to put back together.
I am a ride or die girl. I am the type of friend that will do anything for them. Anything, no limits, I love too hard and hold too close.
One day that dread will set in in the pit of your stomach. You feel nauseous, anxious, scared, panic... You feel every bad feeling and emotion possible... because you know something isn't right.
Intuition. Mine was like a super power, or a super curse, depending on what way you look at it. I know when something isn't right, I feel it in every part of me—it is yet to fail me, unfortunately. I wish this time it was wrong because that intuition also told me it would end.
My heart was racing and my mind was spinning, trying to come up with words to fight for this friendship, trying to look back and analyse that one event that literally blew a hole in our own little world and changed everything. Broke everything. Broke me. Broke them.
They were given an ultimatum. They had to choose between me and that, the other force of nature. They had to make that choice because that other force wanted it all, needed to have it all in order to keep them contained, confined, and place an all encompassing lockdown on my best friend's life and heart. They were a great tsunami that had ripped a pathway of destruction through everything and everyone else and I was the only thing left blocking its path. And for good reason, I couldn't let them get swept away in this tsunami. I saw what was already lost, that I had been trying to get back for them, all the other souls that had slowly been burned out of their life. I tried my hardest. I promise I tried. I really tried.
But the decision was made and a side was chosen.
I lost. This time I lost. I lost them. I lost us. I lost that one person I held so close to me, knew everything about. I lost my best friend, my mind, and most of all, my heart. It broke my heart! I failed. MISERABLY. My biggest failure. I tried to protect them and I failed.
Hearing words of compassion from the others did not help. It did not reassure me telling me that what was happening was for the best. There is nothing "for the best" about this. It did not help me trying to tell me I did not fail. I failed! They don't know what we had shared and been through together, what this person had saved me from and that I couldn't save them right back.
I couldn't even begin to explain why I hurt so much without spilling secrets, secrets which I promised would die with me and they still will (I could never break a promise). How do I explain it without going through every conversation that meant the world to me? I couldn't. I couldn't begin to explain it. There is no specific starting place, nowhere for me to begin or end. I just knew the others were not my best friend, they were not them. No one compares to them. No one ever will. I just want my best friend. It is as simple as that. Losing a friend like that has broken this already weakened heart, I lost the other half of me.
I fear I will never recover and heal from this goodbye—maybe I just need to give it time. I have all those amazing memories we made, locked safely away in my mind, ready to be resurrected when I need them, when I want them. But that invisible, yet torturing wound is all I have left and I'm sure it will stay as a reminder of the greatest friend I could have asked for and the harshest lesson that I will never find another like them again. It was a once in a lifetime sort of deal.
We all have to continue to live life and carry the regrets. You have to love harder than you should. Pick someone and give them your secrets, show them your battle scars, tell them everything. Let them break promises. Find your best friend, lose your best friend, find the love of your life, and lose them too. Losing people is part of the journey, part of the pieces that builds and dismantles the human soul. Let yourself get hurt and ride out the pain to live another day.
Life does go on after any loss. All loss is great and it hurts. Goodness, does it hurt, there is no doubt. All loss takes a little piece of you with it that you will never get back. It will take a long time to move forward, but do take your time. Do it in YOUR time, move at your own pace, don't let anyone rush that process. No one's pain is comparable. It is similar but never the exact same. You should suffer as long as you need to, take your time to go through each motion, but don't forget to open a window every now and again to let in some new, fresh, clean air, and light to brighten even the darkest of your days.
You have got to keep on going. You are brave, certainly braver than you give yourself credit for. You are a little hearty warrior in a big world. You are the epitome of strength. You are a pillar of shining hope.
Just keep on keeping on. Because what else are we going to do? What else have we got?