Losing another friend.

If this is it.

If this is it, and the amount of time you spent in my life is over, just know I will be ever so grateful. This year for me has been grey, maybe not grey but clear. Nothing has been in colour for me for a while, until I met you. I have to admit my feelings were never really here in the present but now I know what I will miss. They are here, I know what my emotions mean now. It’s a weird one really.. online friends come and go, not to mention real ones. But you were good. You were something I haven’t had for a long time.. in fact, ever I think? For you this is probably easy. You probably have done this many times before. Found the average person. Got close for a while and then got bored. However for me I allowed myself to be vulnerable.. I’m glad I did because I now know that this isn’t going to be something I’ll be able to have. I am not worthy of friends or love. I don’t deserve that, and that’s the truth. Since I lost my bestfriend, my Nan. I’ve gone downhill. Ive let myself go.. I’m not thin, I don’t have perfect teeth, a pretty smile or a happy mood. I’m just existing. I’m trying to find my way.. I think I’ve been trying to be found since I was 13. It’s tough because the only person who saw me is gone now. Forever. I will never see her again and that hurts me everyday. Every minute, every second. Until I found you .You came on very strong which threw me away. It repulsed me actually, I laughed at it. But then I realised what if. What if this could work? Maybe I found a good friend. Then we started calling every night- I know your bored of our calls now. But they meant so much to me. You listened to my stupid theories and ghost stories. We spoke about everything. You let me talk for hours about myself, never really discussing much about your life. I did notice little things that you would say. As you gradually allowed me to get closer.looking back now I think we both needed to trust more, if I’m honest I know deep down i cared ALOT. But would never show it because I know everything is temporary. Even I am. Everyone can be replaced. I told you things I haven’t told anybody, but I guess that doesn’t matter now. Because it’s over right? Whoever you meet next I hope you can trust them with your whole heart. You are a good guy, your someone who deserves to be treated the best. I hope she brings out the best in you, I hope she doesn’t make you feel the way I did when I was to scared of my own emotions. I hope she makes you happy. I know i did for small periods of time but the next will hopefully make you happy forever. Because you deserve that. The first day we met. Boy oh boy was I nervous, I was excited to be able to actually meet you but the nerves jumped first. I told you to fuck off, I’m sorry about that. But you still didn’t give up on me. You turned up? And listened. If I’m honest I had a good time. The moment I knew I wanted you in my life was when you agreed to do the stick n poke. I was like yes finally someone crazy to hang with. Thank you Jesus for sending someone fun. Or satan? Thanks satan. I’m kidding it was when we kissed and then you just snuggled into me afterwards. I just knew you were going to mean a lot to me. I have to admit all that was going through my head was “don’t get attached” and “it’s going to hurt when this person leaves”.

Intimacy freaks me out. A lot. However with you we just clicked? It felt fine. It was like meeting an old friend. Your dark curls and chestnut eyes. Oh and of course the perfect eyelashes. You are a beautiful human being. I could never say that to your face but you really are. You gave me your hoodie which smelt like you. I wore it to bed each night, didn’t want to sound like a crazy person so let’s not talk about that. I still have it. I put it on and wore it that day you said you were leaving.. when you blocked me. I didn’t cry I felt numb like, like an empty box. It’s like you helped fill this box up whilst you were here. But when you left everything disappeared, I became empty again.I don’t blame you for leaving by the way, you have to do what’s best for yourself sometimes so I respect that. I was sitting at the computer doing my homework numb. I don’t tell my family about any of this because they know I will ruin it so, I had to pretend to be okay. I remember thinking of emailing you because that’s all I had left. But then I remembered if you wanted me in your life you would have stayed. So I sat there in silence trying to clear my brain of everything. Then I kept smelling this aftershave perfume? It was you. Your hoodie right next to me. I put it on. That’s all I had left of you.

An hour later I get a message from you saying you want me in your life again. Which I was glad to hear. It made me realise how much I care about this, us. Slowly did I not know that it would soon be over as I predicted. The thing is I would have let myself be more free around you but I knew in the back of my mind this wouldn’t last. I never let it bother me much to the extent that I’ll care a lot. Deep down subconsciously I know It did. After all that drama throughout the week we agreed to meet again now looking back I wish I hadn’t because then I wouldn’t be so upset with myself. You met me at the park in our spot. You were sat under a willow tree it was sunny and you were in your red fuzzy jacket. You looked adorable. As soon as I sat down you gave me a hug, how I could do with one of those right now. In those moments it just felt I don’t know... right. I felt safe. Content? I actually felt okay. What a interesting night. Maybe if we had gone all the way you’d be here.. truth is I can’t be intimate for anyone.. I know now that’s all you wanted me for, but I wish that wasn’t all that was on your mind that day. I want to be held and just talk about random things. Not to say we didn’t, the way you told me about your favourite book. The way you listed out the details of the book, and just seemed happy to be listened to.. I don’t know why but I found it intriguing. You never spoke much about yourself.You even showed me your wrists.. I over stepped there but I just didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me. I thought maybe that would make you relax and trust me more. Obviously I was wrong. I’m sorry for that. That night was one of the best nights I’ve ever had despite not doing much I just felt like a normal person for once, after years of not getting too close to anybody it was pleasant. The fact we got stuck inside the park. I would have stayed there all night with you. I wish I did now.

Can I just say isn’t it funny once a guy gets what he wants he all of a sudden doesn’t care anymore, why are we only our bodies? Why am I as a person not enough?

That’s when everything went down hill. This time I wasn’t the one to push you away, it was you who did that. The messages got shorter and the calls never came. I’m not asking you to message me 24/7 I’m just asking for some kind of check up to know you haven’t forgotten about me,That’s all. It’s irritating knowing your not busy but you can’t even message me.. it makes me feel like I don’t matter anymore. So thanks for that. Anyway, so I tried to bring up the fact you were being blunt with me, maybe I was overthinking maybe not. And the reaction I got was okay whatever night. How do you think it makes me feel? You know how much I overthink and it’s like you don’t care. So why should I. We haven’t spoken for a whole day now, so diary, I think this chapter is over with now. He isn’t coming back this time, I know it. This is why this chapter is called ‘this is it’ because I know it is. I don’t think you will ever read this because it’s a note on my phone first of all. But if you could read this I want you to know that, the time we spent together made me feel normal for once. I haven’t me up with a real friend in a long time, you played the part well. I did love you,I still do but I don’t deserve this. It’s driving me mad all the time. I just wish you never said you love me because it makes me think I’m losing something that’s worth saving. Maybe I’m overreacting but truth is I know this was just two days of fun for you. You loved my company because you were lonely, you didn’t love me. However I’m still so grateful you showed me affection and love that I haven’t had from anyone, maybe we will both find what we are looking for in the future. But for me I don’t think I have one? All this heartbreak in life is too much for me. My heart can’t take this. I never was distant with you i just questioned everything you ever said. Because of something like this happening.. I’m sorry for wasting your time. But for myself I have to move on, this will hurt like a bitch but it’s okay. I’ve been numb for a while.