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Long term relationships are like biceps — they need continuous exercise

Happily-ever-after is a rolling target

By Aditi BalajiPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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Long term relationships are like biceps — they need continuous exercise
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

I’ve been in a relationship for ten years now. My partner and I met in college and instantly hit it off. Our story was pretty fairytale-ish. We were “just friends” for a year, passed notes in class, stayed up late nights texting each other, and ended up kissing at a bus stop one evening. We made it official and told our friends. Which was followed by a lot of teasing for me, and a deadly threat for him from my high school BFF who did the whole “Don’t ever hurt her or else…”.

So basically, in college, my life was one big fun rom-com.

Weirdly enough, despite the dreamy beginnings, we never expected a happily ever after. He was quite pessimistic about relationships at the time and he refused to say the F-word. (I meant “forever”. Damn, what did you think?) My anxiety-ridden self, on the other hand, used to conjure up every possible scenario that would cause a breakup.

We eventually got married, and last month we completed 10 years of being together. 🎉

The odd thing is, I think our pessimism was kind of why we lasted all these years and are still going strong.

Hear me out — I’m not saying you need to sit down and picture every worst-case scenario in your mind for your relationship to work. I’m saying that no matter how happy you might be, you still need to keep working on it. Your relationship is like a muscle that needs to be exercised and given a whole lot of TLC. If you stop working out, the muscle is inevitably going to weaken.

The kind of exercise your relationship needs

The truth is, you’re probably already doing a lot of exercise on autopilot. However, it definitely helps to be aware of what you’re already doing, and consciously plan for more. It’s a pretty empowering feeling.

Here are some things you can do with your partner to ensure that you’re continuously training the muscle and keeping it in good shape:

  • Dates: This is a no-brainer. Dates are super important, and they provide a great opportunity to keep your phone away and be in the moment with your partner and talk about silly things together. We do a lot of this in the beginning stages of our relationships, but it’s just as important in the later stages.
  • Common hobbies: For most of us, this usually consists of movies and TV shows that both partners like. Which is a great start. If you’re ready to level up, I’d suggest picking a book to read in parallel and discuss (like a mini book club), or playing a sport together.
  • Shared goals: Our culture has some checks in place for this. Get married. Buy a house. Have a child. These are all great goals, but we only react to what society tells us to do. Instead, make the goal your own. Talk about what these goals mean to each of you and if you really want it or not. And if you’re not there yet, pick smaller goals. My partner and I are writing an app together. And raising a pup. There are plenty of options if you just sit together and do some daydreaming.
  • Fights: Yes, I know this is counter-intuitive. But fights are essential in a long-term relationship. They’re like HIIT workouts, where you burn out your muscles for a short interval and then give them space to rest. Fights feel miserable while they’re happening, but they are the periods when you grow the most as a couple.
  • We need to have more conversations about staying in love

    You’ve all heard the quote — falling in love isn’t a choice, but staying in love is. And I’m sure you’ve experienced it as well. Especially during those ugly fights, when you repeatedly make the choice of fight over flight.

    People in relationships face different types of choices in everyday life, which affect them either immediately or in the long term. But we don’t have enough writers talking about these choices. I see plenty of blogs on “Why you keep falling for the wrong kind of person” or “3 reasons you’re staying in a toxic relationship”. They’re all about falling in love or falling out of love, but there aren’t enough people writing about staying in love.

    My partner and I aren’t geniuses. And we aren’t extraordinarily kind people. But we’re in a very happy and satisfying relationship and I think that’s because we keep working on the muscle and we’ve strengthened it quite a bit. So I figured I’d start writing for similar couples out there who have already found “the one” and are trying to figure out what’s next.

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    About the Creator

    Aditi Balaji

    Writing about relationships and all things women. Introvert, fantasy/sci-fi nerd, dog-mom.

    Follow me on Medium: https://aditibalaji.medium.com/

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