Long Distance Relationships: What If There's No End in Sight?

Let's start with a generally accepted fact: Long distance relationships are hard. Really hard. If you've been in one, you can understand what it means to love and long for from a distance; there's a piece missing, not of you, necessarily, but of what you love, of home, of belonging, and even though you know exactly where it is, you can't just go and get it and hold it close. It's frustrating and lonely and fragmenting, and only the strongest couples make it through. These are couples who have somehow lucked into the perfect trifecta of love, circumstance, and timing.

If you've never been in a long distance relationship, well then whoop dee doo for you. It sucks.

One of the hardest parts of long distance relationships, along with the missed FaceTime appointments and the ache you feel when you hear that one song and, let's be honest, the horniness, is seeing an end in sight. Long distance works for some couples because they are capable of being individuals within the relationship, of remaining separate people who have separate goals and plans for their lives, without melting into that oh-so-easy soup of twosomeness that comes when you're together. This is a great thing, it really is. However, it comes with its own challenges. Individualists tend to remain that way, generally unwilling to compromise a dream. This is okay. Nobody should feel the pressure of having to sacrifice their dream for a person, just as a rule of healthy and loving relationships. But what if two people in a long distance relationship have goals and dreams that are so separate and individual that there's no end in sight to the long distance aspect of the relationship?

In order to protect my close family and friends from scrutiny, let's delve into my relationship to pick this idea apart. All of my most serious relationships have involved a long distance component, and all but one have failed so far due to lack of communication or effort or love. I used to think that long distance could never work, that a relationship bound by the miles between the two within it would be its downfall. Now, I have been dating the same man for almost two years, and I'd like to think that he was made for me somewhere in some mythical toy shop. We're both scientists (he's and engineer and I'm a biologist), we're both avid hikers and athletes with strong senses of adventure, we have the same sense of humor, the list goes on. We started dating in college, and it was easy. Then I graduated a year earlier than he did, and moved to another city to start a job. The distance isn't insurmountable; it's a two and a half hour commute across upstate New York, and easily manageable in a weekend. However, now I'm looking into graduate school out West and he's looking into jobs in Maine. I know, I see the problem. Neither one of us are willing to sacrifice what we want for the sake of having a non-long distance relationship.

Even though this may sound harsh, it's actually not as damning as some might think. We're both of the mindset that a relationship that is strong enough to last the trials of distance and time is worth the wait, the wait until we are back in the same zip code, and we are both driven enough to recognize that we won't be following one another across the country at the cost of our career goals. So now what? We're young and in love and in completely different stages in our lives. Is this a recipe for a cheesy Christmas Hallmark movie ending in tear-jerking reunions or for a messy and disastrously sad heartbreak?

My advice for all the couples in the same unfortunate boat as us is this: Just try. If you've made it this far, and the idea of breaking it off hurts more than the idea of moving forward under difficult circumstances, then why take the road of heart break? Take it one day at a time. Life is long, and love is resilient. I don't believe in the idea that fate will bring the two of you together, but I do believe that hard work and effort will. Stay driven, fight the good fight, and communicate openly throughout this process with your SO. It might be a good idea to have monthly check-ins, where you both find the time to discuss what could be better and what is already really great. Maybe it's time to fly out to visit one another; maybe it's time to try phone sex; maybe it's time to call it quits. Whatever you have to say, keep it honest and know that this is the best policy for any lasting relationship. Just take it in baby steps, and know that even though your loved one is far from you at this point in time, they're still holding your hand through it all. Long distance is not a relationship's death sentence; it's the ashes from which a stronger relationship will grow.