Loneliness is hard damn

I'm writing this because I just watched the music video to "Watermelon Sugar" by Harry Styles and...it was really good. Frankly, this is somewhat upsetting. I've never liked Harry Styles before, I've always found him pretentious and irritating. Why then, has he just encapsulated all of my fantasies as a mixed Latino man in a three minute music video? Do y'all know? I'm quite confused.

Why am I here? Well, I don't really know but it's probably because I feel as far from that music video as one could possibly be. I'm not surrounded by beautiful women of color, watermelons, or picturesque waves; just white people, who are about as uninterested in me as I am ready to be away from them. My love life is in shambles, if that word can be used to describe things that aren't really there. I don't have any friends I can see on a regular basis if at all, and I've just convinced myself that my path involves opening a monastery and writing poetry books rather than going to college, and, surrounded by respectability politics and adults who are worried about me, this seems like a bad idea.

As paragraph three commences I'm still not entirely sure what I'm doing, I think I'm just hoping that someone will see this, and perhaps the thousandth someone that sees it might have an opinion on it, or think I'm clever, like my grandmother did when I was four. I don't know, do blogs change the lives of articulate lovesick young men like me, or does that just happen to white women in the movies? The data seems sparse. I suppose I just need to speak boldly and somewhat carelessly about my life, to someone besides myself. Miles is really tired of hearing about it.

Perhaps I need advice. I'm still recovering from an abusive relationship with a woman who I loved very much, who I spent close to a year with. When she was angry she would always tell me that I was a misogynistic asshole, and no one besides her would find me attractive. She would also say that I was constantly trying to take other people's cultures because I didn't have one of my own, which hurt because I had told her that I felt rootless as a mixed man in confidence, and she would always use this against me when we fought. I've been working on self love for the past two years since and I've gotten pretty far, and yet when I'm laying awake alone staring up at the ceiling, it kind of feels like she was right. Because if I was truly the wonderful man my grandmother says I am and not this manipulative creep, why are women so rarely attracted to me?

Maybe I'm wrong but I think a lot of men feel this way; lonely and lost, and confused at what we're doing wrong. I've tried to be as sweet as I can possibly be, and tried to exude firm confidence and neither seems to have worked. Maybe I'm just not paying enough attention, maybe I'm just lost in my own head.

I can sound more confident than this trust me (see I'm doing it again), but I don't want to. I'm tired of waking up, fussing with my hair in the mirror, and then hoping the water in my shower will wash off the thick silt of self doubt and insecurity I wake up with every day. I'm tired of trying to present myself as I want to be and failing, I just want someone to look upon me as I am. At this point I've cycled through more than twenty tinder bios, hoping each time that some tweak or clever remark will make me stand out. Maybe if I add that I sell weed I'll get somewhere. Maybe I should talk about how I really am looking for a long term relationship, and I really do enjoy long walks along the park, and listening to women's stories while I feel sea breeze in my hair. I don't know, at this point it feels like it doesn't matter, like I should just give in and go to a strip club, or look desperately for some hook up so at least someone will consider the possibility of having sex with me.

This probably sounds angsty and desperate, but I don't care anymore, I'm past caring, I just want someone to notice me. Is that bad, am I supposed to feel guilty for that in this society, and be satisfied with a hundred pointless conversations that were over before they started, because I revealed I didn't already have the satisfaction that I'm looking for?

I'm not going to answer any of these questions, I think that defeats the point. I heard that having more female friends makes getting a girl friend easier, and I'm more comfortable with women anyway because I grew up with lesbians so if you're in need of a really odd friend who won't be creepy with you, here I am. I don't know what to say anymore, any help, interest, or criticism is welcome. If you ever want to know more about aquatic ecosystems from an intensely spiritually lens, I'm your guy. I suppose someone somewhere would theoretically care about that.

Have a blessed day.