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Living Without You

by Joana Dourado 4 years ago in breakups

A Lie Behind a Truth

Credit: @s.r.s.photography95
"We do not remember days, we remember moments."-Cesare Pavese

Looking back and remembering it as if it were yesterday—the day I first laid eyes on you. I'd been in love once, or so I thought I had, but this feeling was much stronger than what I had felt before.

It wasn't until our first hello that I saw my world suddenly change. I finally saw that light at the end of the tunnel; a light I never thought I would see again. You infatuated my every thought, my every heartbeat, my every word. I became so adamant to the idea of having you that I wasn't going to let anyone in my way.

It did take some time, time that never went fast enough in my mind, to finally have you alone and just to myself. But it wasn't the ending I had hoped for, it was only just a battle won, not the war.

I climbed many hills, fell to the ground, hit rock bottom and got back up with you by my side, but also on my own. I fought many battle because of you and for you. I battled with my own demons at times, allowing them into my mind, turning me insane. But I didn't let them get in between us. At least I tried not to. I fought them away, pushing away every thought, brushing away every tear, thinking that one day it'll all be worth the struggle.

Days went by, years, even. Some were good, some bad, some went by fast, some slow. The feeling of comfort became overwhelming. The lack of actions, the increased number of words lingering around every step in the wrong direction, would torture me more and more. Words began to make no sense to me. They came in as a sentence and would leave as a muddled mess. There were no longer any feelings, any raw emotions coming with them. They were just blurted out for the pure satisfaction of being said.

Regardless of the disappointment, I couldn't see an end to our story. Every day was a new day, a new beginning, and a new page, a new chapter, even, of our story. It was, yet again, a new chance to start again and make amends—work together to better ourselves, for each other, but most importantly, for our individual selves. We needed to become you and I for some time.

I quickly began to realise that this was something much different—something much stronger than I had anticipated. Something that, with time, I would realise was going to take my mind, body, and soul to conquer and overcome.

"Life is pain and the enjoyment of love is an anesthetic."-Cesare Pavese

As time passed by, it became clear to me that no matter what, my life was dependent on you. Everything I saw for the future contained you in some way. There wasn't a tomorrow without you. You were the love of my life, but was I yours?

It didn't come expected, but it came. It came like a sea of roses; very tempting and beautiful at first, however, a total life changer once you lift up the delicately tinted buds. In its depths, this sea of love is covered in an unconscious hate, covered by thorns. A thorn for every tear cried, for every emotion felt, for every negative thought and word that crossed our minds and mouths. We both felt pain. We probably still do.

But why does it seem like you have no remorse, no regret for how our story ended? It's like it meant nothing to you. The sleepless nights, the break-ups and the make-ups, the always and forever we had promised each other, the future we had imagined and planned for so long, the memories...

I tell my future self that it does get easier, at least easier to cope with, anyways. Easier to answer unanswered questions, easier to forgive but not forget, because regardless of what many may say, I'm happy for you. I'm glad you are well, and no matter how I feel, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.

I loved you once,

I love you now,

I'll love you...

Always and Forever.

"I learned to live without you, but I never forgot you. That's the funny thing about love, because it took me a long time to forgive and forget the pain you caused, but a piece of you always remains within me. I couldn't brush off all the good memories we shared and sweep them under the rug as if they meant nothing. So, I put you in a safe place for new memories to be built with someone new. You see, I deserve to be happy again, even if it's not with you, and even though I might reminisce about us every now and then, it doesn't mean I miss you. It simply means I haven't forgotten who you used to be."

-M. Sosa


Joana Dourado

I write what I love and I love what I write!

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