Little white lies

I find it hard to make peace with my own happiness, isn't that strange? You think that once you find your happiness it is easy to feel peace. Yet, for me, I find it hard to accept what makes me happy, and I find myself forcing my own being into thoughts, mindsets, relationships, and lifestyles that I think make me LOOK good or as if I have myself together.

I have brought myself more misery trying to fit into places I know I don't belong. I have always been the one that doesn't fit in, I have realized that I am the black sheep and while I have always felt pride over it, I have also felt the shame of it more than I have felt the pride in it because I have assumed that punishment is the only thing tied to being different.

I find it hard to express myself if it is not in a metaphor. I think in a way it is me trying to avoid having to say it outright, I avoid what I want to say and hope that people will pick up on my subliminal messages instead of making me have to spit it out.

This leads to nothing but my truth being a secrecy. I have grown up on little white lies because I have always thought that these tiny glitches in the story have been what made me safe. I have always felt the need to hide who I am, every part of me has felt shameful. I have always skirted around the truth even when there was no reason to lie. Perhaps I learned this as a child, I believed everything I did was worthy of being yelled at or looked down upon, and growing up I kept that in mind; it wasn't just sitting on the back burner of my mind, it was the whole stovetop on fire ready to combust.

A recent example would be my 23rd birthday, I wanted to feel free, connected to myself and my partner because the whole relationship I had felt as if I had to hide everything about us and myself, I decided to go to Moab, UT for a couple of days, yet when it came to just say what my birthday plans were to my family I tried to skirt around the fact that my birthday idea was to go to Moab with my partner. I felt as if I had to hide it because of how my parents were and how they viewed my partner, paired with how I thought my sisters would feel about it, would they feel abandoned that I hadn't included them? Instead of being able to enjoy my trip, I worried about how it was viewed, how my sisters felt, how my parents felt about my relationship so much that I ended up trapping myself into feeling as If I was 16 asking for permission to live my life.

There are times when it is almost effortlessly that I can spit out my emotions and thought processes; and there are times that it feels as if my throat is a bear trap, when this occurs most of the time instead of speaking out my emotions, I bleed them out.

I have always had a bit of a problem with lying and it was never for malicious intent or creating gossip but in all reality, I grew up thinking that lying kept me safe, even when I told the truth it still somehow was rewired to get me into trouble, or as if I was in the wrong no matter the circumstances. I grew up in a household where my parents gave us the impression that it was their way or the highway; there never was compromise or listening to what your child felt or needed. I grew up thinking I was there to please my parents not find my own joy.

I have always felt as if I was a prisoner hiding their prized possessions in the walls and under mattresses so as not to get anything taken away or discovered. I have always rewired my thoughts and come up with lies to distract and redirect people from who I really am and how I choose to exist.

Little white lies have made such a huge impact in my life, that went from white lies to big black ink stains on my life. We all know how it goes, you can tell your lie once but then you have to make that lie keep going because you already said it as the truth.

I never realized how much my little white lies had been affecting my life and my psyche, to me they never seemed like lies, it seemed like my anxiety getting the best of me for whatever reason as if I felt I was constantly doing something wrong.

I've learned that there is a big difference between helpful advice and trying to control someone into something you personally want. I felt as if all of my lies stemmed from being the person someone else was constantly trying to control, so I felt the need to hide things. I have always kept everything of myself a secret, I have constantly been one big lie.

So, I began to try to become more straightforward about who I was. I began to realize the only one who thought I was doing anything wrong was me, and perhaps my parents, but because I wasn't basing my happiness on what made me feel good, and more so on what made others feel good to see me like, I ran myself into a ditch of depression and an identity crisis. I was more deadset on trying to be what my parents wanted rather than what was natural for me, instead of realizing for myself what would make me feel good would be accepted by those that truly loved me.

Something as small as saying where I was going without a made-up why or how. Simply because that is what I was going to do. I didn't need to care what others thought of my actions or my life. Caring has always been what put me in this spiral of lies. I realized I don't have anything to prove, at least to anyone outside of myself.

The truth really will set you free, lies never work. It is never a one-time thing it is something you have to keep feeding, a story you have to keep writing until you find a way out or just tell the truth. Lies have no legs on their own, so you become the transportation for it, you run for it.

I find it hard to live my truth because I am worried about what others think of that truth, and I know that even Jesus got judged and wasn't supported 100%, so how could I expect to be accepted so fiercely and even so, if I feel content within my existence, isn't that all that matters? It really isn't so much that I care about what people think about my life but the confrontation of getting in trouble for my truths.

I grew up thinking that all my actions would get me in trouble, no matter what I did growing up it seemed as if even my breathing was wrong, so now growing up I can't help but think that somehow I am waiting for someone to get angry with me and make me "pay the consequences" of my lifestyle and how I choose to be happy.

This all feels as if I am in a video game and I cannot beat the boss of "Living my Truth" I have constantly hidden behind these lies and excuses, because I am so worried about something that my inner child knows can no longer happen. I know that I am safe now but maybe I haven't allowed myself to believe that.