A part of me feels like I've always known since birth, it was like a warm fuzzy feeling in the back of my head. Constantly buzzing in my brain causing curious eyes to wander to places I was taught they shouldn't. From a young age, growing up in the home I did, in the small back woods town I did, it was known that anyone different was views in a negative way. If someone were to be the first person to even try a new style, they would be ridiculed and made fun of. And then subsequently, a few weeks later, everyone was wearing said style. That being said, I feel like my environment really limited me from exploring myself and blossoming into who I truly am,
It wasn't until the summer before entering my senior year at university that I finally came to terms with being different. Because I know it's always been there in the back of my mind, it allows me to say that coming to this conclusion wasn't shocking. But that summer, I had a breakthrough of sorts. I had gone to an event with a friend, where 99 percent of those attending were different like me. I remember thinking "This is where I belong." This was the first step of me becoming comfortable with it.
Fast forward to October of that same year. I'm back at school and my friend group is blossoming and becoming amazing, full of so much diversity and love. I was finally starting to feel truly at home, not just with my location but with who was surrounding me. And then a beautiful little brunette enters my life and takes us on an emotional rollercoaster, neither one of us was prepared for. This soon became apparent to both of us.
For a short period of time I was able to call you mine, at the time it felt as though it was the best period of my life. I loved the stolen glances across the library, at the bar and even when walking through campus. The way you would text me after I snap-chatted you saying "Your snap made me think of you, can I come over?" The way you seemed to fit perfectly in my arms at night and especially how my pillows smelled of you when you left in the morning. I felt over the moon that you were comfortable to leave some of your things at my place, borrow my stuff, meet not only my friends but my roommates as well. I never once cared that we only came to my house because I knew that being in your shared dorm room would make things uncomfortable.
One of my favourite memories is from the first night you came over. My friends had ditched me at the bar while I was in the bathroom. When I came out and started looking around the first person I saw was you. We spent the next hour twirling around the dance floor as if we were the only two in the room. I remember it was chilly so you wore my hat on the walk home and how we had to help each other climb through the snow bank to get into my front door. Once inside, I made you a grilled cheese sandwich while we had a skittle fight. You knew I wasn't feeling well and you had no problem staying up with me and talking in the kitchen for hours. When it was finally time for bed, we spent hours intertwined in my bed telling each other about our lives. It had felt like we had just closed our eyes when your alarm went off. I remember thinking about how much I didn't want you to leave me, part of it was because I was scared you would never come back.
Another one of my favourite memories of you is the best but also the worst. Mostly due to the fact it was the first time we expressed how we felt about one another and made it low-key official, but it was also the night before everything went downhill. You came over out of the blue, and brought with you two slices of pizza. We stayed up talking about our feelings and what we wanted from each other. I had finally felt like I was doing something right in my life. When you left in the morning, you kissed me goodbye. This was a new thing for us, it made me so excited to see you later that day.
Now there's no need to get into the detail of that dreaded night, but let's just say it was a rollercoaster of an event. We had both drank a little too much and did our own thing, but somehow we woke up in each other's arms. But on this morning it didn't feel right, something had changed in both of us, but what it was we didn't figure out for a couple days. The result; both of us alone and unsure how to react. Our friends, who were too involved, just as confused as we were, but more importantly, my heart, almost broken.
Now over a year later and looking back, I have no resentment towards you or harsh feelings. The truth is I have nothing but love and well wishes for you, the beautiful little brunette. I know it may not seem like it when we see each other, but that is just how I protect myself. We didn't last long but because of you I've finally accepted that I am gay and I'm now comfortable with myself.
I'm finding more happiness daily, and for that I just wanted to say thank you.