Life Outside The House

Now, call me crazy but I think it’s safe to say that none of us are the same people we were pre-quarantine. Some have gone a full year without basic social interaction and, if they’re anything like yours truly, they were not exactly socialites before lockdown.

Pre Quarantine Dating Life

I am simply a regular 25 year old millennial who didn’t necessarily assume she’d be married with a family, but thought that there would atleast be a “really serious life partner” that I could raise a cat and share my pasta with for all of Instagram to see. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to paint the picture that I’m a shy, quirky girl who never knows the right thing to say and constantly overthinks and is super clumsy and also a nerd (even though that is literally who I am), I am not. Or atleast that’s not how I’m usually perceived by others. I am attractive, intelligent and full of energy in the right company, so I’ve never really had too many issues reeling them in. In fact, I’ve grown to enjoy dating. It’s like taking a romanticed caricature that you’ve made up in your mind and….humanizing them. Getting to know people is fun. And most of my dating stories are not fairytales, but they’re not nightmares either. They’re mostly casual dating scenes that end mutually and civilly. That was until I fell in love for the very first time.

Ah, So This is What Those Breakup Songs Were About

Now, this is story about a first date and I promise I’ll get to that, but for the sake of relevance I must re-count one of the many life changing experiences that 2020 brought to me. Love.

It happened so fast and it started out like every other situationship I’d ever been in. A “situationship”, for the readers who may not have heard the term before, is just short word for a boundless and awkward romantic relationship where you’re pretty much together all the time but have not yet taken the time like two adults who are having sex to talk about expectations and boundaries within your relationship. It was great! We were together all of the time and we even argued like a real couple. I had a cat who hated everyone but did let him feed her every once in a while and we both really loved pasta. I was living the dream. I think it was the first time I had ever wanted to be that close to another individual all of the time. I loved his morning breath and his musk after he worked out. I cooked for him and he burnt breakfast sausages in an attempt to cook for me. We were the perfect couple except we were not a couple. I know, it’s ridiculous. How could you do all of these things with someone who hasn’t made a commitment to you? The truth is, I didn’t care. Having been in love I honestly think it’s a form of insanity. Someone should totally write a book about that or something.

Things Get Better

I had become so attached to this person that things I usually liked doing alone only became fun when he was doing them with me. News about my day, which was about 60% funny things my cat did, made it to him first. His presence had shaped my identity and there are very few things I wouldn’t have done to keep him around. In December of 2020 when we had broken up for about the third time, I knew it was the last time and it literally felt like my heart was breaking and my world was coming to an end. I had never been that girl. I’ve always valued my independence and identity. I swear I was cool even before I met him!

When the smoke settled and I had finally stopped crying long enough to think clearly I was disgusted with myself. I simply could not believe how I had allowed another person to shape how I feel about myself and I vowed to never let that happen again. I thrusted myself back into work and solitude where I slowly rebuilt myself from an entirely different perspective. And my pasta has gotten so much better.

The Pleasantly Surprising DM

One week ago exactly on a Friday evening, I was on my fifth “last cookie” of the night while re-watching New Girl for the millionth time. I had posted a picture on Instagram earlier. A classic full body picture in an open sunny space so that my followers could know that I am still alive and that I had neither gained or lost a noticeable amount of weight since the picture I had posted 3 months ago. I got a DM.

Aaron: You look great, I’m happy to see you’re healthy. If it’s not too forward would you like to go out sometime?

I re-read the message 10 times. Now, any woman with an Instagram is likely no stranger to the occasional Direct Message from a guy who thinks they’re attractive. But I was so pleasantly surprised because Aaron was hot as hell. He looked like a combination of Barack Obama and Trevante Rhodes (who I’m pretty sure gave me my first sexual awakening). Also, he wasn’t a complete stranger either which gave him so many points. I knew him from college and from what I remember he’s a really down to Earth, confident, funny and attractive guy. I have already planned our wedding down to the table settings.

Showtime

There are less than five hours until I’m supposed to meet Aaron for our date. And I know this is a date because my response to his original inquiry was:

“Are you asking me on a date?”

To which he replied “If that’s ok with you, Lol”.

God, he’s perfect. But since my last breakup I have been searching for peace and I think I’ve found it. It’s in my apartment, in my solitude with my tv and my cat and when I do yoga like once every two weeks. I have learned so many things about myself and I’ve found so much joy in being alone. Is Aaron worth the risk? What if I get attached and lose myself again? Omg what if he DOESN’T LIKE PASTA? Maybe I’m not ready for this? I write and delete a message to Aaron explaining why I must cancel last minute about 4 times until I open my fridge and find the only alcoholic beverage I own which is crazy because last year this thing was stock piled with wine and beer for my ex. And as I grabbed the bottle of Merlot that’d been gifted to me by a friend for my birthday, I thought about how different things are now and how different I am. How I’ve read books and bought plants and assembled furniture. How I really kind of like myself, and I think twelve year old me would be cool about where we are in life. I opened the bottle of Merlot and took a sip. Well, it was more of a sip-like chug, but it certainly helped. I closed my eyes and took three deep breaths. I affirmed:

“Aaron is hot, but so are you”

“It’s just a date, you can do this”

“Everything is going to be fine, you’re ready for this”

Life Outside The House

I get to the restaurant that Aaron and I agreed to meet first and decide to sit down while I wait. I tell the hostess I’m waiting for someone and she leads me to cutest little table by the window where you can see the sun setting and the couples passing by on their way to enjoy a night away from the kids. It was a beautiful site, but incomparable to seeing Aaron’s beautiful face attached to his tall frame and broad shoulders. He was squinting at his screen and looking up periodically at the names of all of the restaurants in the little village we were in. He looked like a dork and it was the most adorable thing I had ever seen.

Eventually his eyes made it to the large sign that read Santario’s Ristorante plastered above the window where our table could be seen. His eyes met mine, and even though he was wearing a face mask, I could tell he was smiling by the way his eyes curled. I was smiling too.

He sat down and all I could think about was how cool I must look right now even though there is literal chaos on the inside of my brain. I could smell him from where I was sitting and I was losing my mind. He smelled like a clean river that attracted all kinds of life and was surrounded by pine trees that had just been rained on. It was rustic and perfect.

“Hey”, he said shyly as he pulled off his mask to reveal his perfect teeth and a small moustache that I didn’t remember from college.

I smiled back at him and before I could speak the waiter had appeared by our side to ask us if he we wanted to start off with any drinks. The only drink I could think of that wasn’t an apple ale or the $3.99 bottles of wine I usually get was Merlot. I didn’t know much about it but I knew it tasted good, sounded fancy and would calm my nerves.

“Um...I think I’ll take a glass of Merlot if you guys have that?”

I really hoped I pronounced that right.

“Sure thing!”, replied the waiter. She was a cheery brunette with freckles.

“Anything for you?”, She asked Aaron.

“I think I’ll have the Merlot as well. That sounds pretty good.”

When the waiter walked away and we finally had the chance to bask in the awkwardness of this first date, I asked,

“Do you drink Merlot often?”

He laughed and said,

“No, I really don’t I’m just not good at ordering drinks and it sounded fancy. I trust your taste.”

I let out a small, controlled laugh and smiled at Aaron. I think we’re going to be ok.