Life from the Outside

Monotonous life, exciting life, addictive life. I live in the present but with the future so close in the horizon. The past is just a mere memory that increasingly weakens and fades. I have already lost innumerable memories that are being replaced by others every day. I look at you and see a sudden reflection of me, an attraction, a vision, a taste, a thought, a simple smile ... a vague memory. Because I ask, because I say, because I continue in this infinite but nevertheless pleasurable pain and agony that so often revolts me but I also feel love.

I do not know, but what do you want me to say? That he lies to you and pretends that everything is all right? Lives without really living? Can he continue in this endless melancholy forever? Perhaps one day when you read these words you'll realise my suffering, my opinion, my indecision, my mind, maybe, just maybe you'll understand me.

Restless nights, worrying nights, desperate nights, nights where I think of you and just you. You were my everything, you were my life, you were me, you were my world. You left without saying goodbye and here I was, left alone, displaced without a roof or ground, without a single reason to live. Utopias no longer belongs to me, so instead I dream when there is no motive, no motive to live.

However, hope still has not died, the hope of having me back again, of having you by my side just like old times. Thou hast created me, thou hast matured me, thou hast made me who I am today.

Words cannot describe how much I miss you, how much I miss your smile, your voice. You are only mine, no one else's. Selfish? I know, but I am like this for a reason. Because I love you.

I know that I look indifferent, disinterested, indignant, insensitive. No. No, I'm not, I just cannot prove it. I've always had problems in this "field." I even laugh at my stupidity, who knows, maybe it's unconsciously simply protecting me, keeping me sane. Is it because you are used to being hurt? Or am I really insensitive, heartless? But if it's the last one, why am I writing this in the early hours of the morning?

As I understand you better, sometimes I get scared of my likeness to you, our similar ways of thinking. I know that the theories you tell me when I visit you seem crazy to others, but not to me despite refuting them. I also make these kind of links, believe everything, but I never reveal them because I think that you should never reveal everything you know.

We always have a card up our sleeve, an asset, so when we really need it, we use it to crush any theory, opposition, or person. The truth I already knew, but simply never told you, not for fear, but not to hurt you, because I know how much I would hurt you. However, I also did not reveal to them that I knew but I had evidence in the case of denial. However, it was never necessary, because he decided to tell you, even if it was in a despicable way, without character, a coward.

I tell you, I often see his habits in me, like nail-biting, I know he seems harmless and totally unrelated, but I suspect it is not so strange. Well I think I'm going to stay here and simply say that I prefer you and preferably here with me. All these words are unnecessary just to tell you exactly what I should tell you.

I love you!