Life After Gaslighting: What Healthy Relationships Are Supposed To Look Like

When you have been in a toxic relationship for a long time, it's hard to remember how a healthy relationship is supposed to function. Perhaps due to your upbringing, you never saw healthy relationships in action.

You've probably been living in a state of cognitive dissonance for some time. Cognitive dissonance is where you have information that you know is correct, but it conflicts with what you are being told to believe about it. For example, your partner used to always come home at 7:00 PM, but lately they have been coming home at 9:00, and when you bring it up they tell you that they have always come home at 9:00. Or you see them with a new expensive outfit that they swear they have had forever, but your bank statement reveals a large purchase at a department store and the tags are in the trash.

They want to distort your reality to fit their narrative. You feel like you are going crazy! So to maintain your sanity you start to not check the clock when they come home, and you start to not pay attention to as much detail. This usually comes in the more complacent stage, where you accept what they tell you is the truth, but perhaps at first you were more likely to argue with them about it and shove the receipts in their face. Hard evidence! Look! I caught you!

But you can't win this argument because the gaslighter won't let you. This is not normal relationship behavior.

Now it's time to realign our realities with what we know, instead of ignoring what we taught ourselves to in order to keep the peace with the gaslighter, and start to understand what a healthy relationship looks like.

Opinions are expressed in a healthy relationship without fear. You can even agree to disagree and still go to bed happy! In a healthy relationship, sharing opinions is safe, and having differing opinions shouldn't be the start of a huge fight, unless we are talking about very fundamental things that are automatic deal breakers for you.

Even if they don't agree with you, they still support you. They don't withhold affection or approval, and they certainly don't sabotage your plans. They don't get mad every time it's brought up, they don't freak out on you for going through with it.

No double talk, everything is clear and straightforward. No expecting anyone to be a mind reader. Wants and needs are met through communication that is clear and concise, no having to guess what the other person means.

If you've upset them, they tell you. They don't make you guess, or play passive aggressive games. They come out and say it, and perhaps even explain why it upset them or what you can do to correct it. In a healthy relationship, you don't come home to slamming doors and stomping while they say nothing is wrong.

It's not just all you or all them doing the talking. They share their thoughts and feelings and you do too! You can even talk together about things you would like to see in your future together. You're friends, not just lovers. You respect and appreciate one another's opinion and want their hopes and dreams to come true. And they never use what you tell them against you.

Never date someone you can't be friends with. If you're not friends, and if the person isn't someone you wouldn't let in your friend circle, they're not the right one for you.